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Original poster

This is bullshit, isn't it?

28 replies

MummyBeerest · 17/09/2013 14:44

My mother and I just don't get along. I have posted on here about my issues with her before.

DH, DD and I are in the process of moving. We've outgrown our tiny house, and we need to be closerto DP's job so we can save on gas money and DP can see DD for more than 2 hrs a day during the week.

It's about an hour away from where we are now. I should note that my mother will not come to visit us because she hates our neighbourhood. However, she does not want us to move to another city either.

Finally I got fed up with all of the passive aggressive digs about us moving, so I finally asked her why she was so adamantly against us moving given her knowledge of our situation.

She finally tells me that she fears she may lose her job in the near future, and she'd have to sell her house. And she always figured that, should this happen, she and my sister (who lives and works with her,) would move in with us! And she doesn't want to leave the area she lives in, so she'd prefer it if we stayed here should thise circumstance arise.

Oh...and rent-free obviously, as she won't be working!

Am I being a selfish daughter, or is this, in fact, bullshit?

OP posts:
Mueslimorning · 17/09/2013 14:46

Do what's best for you and yours. Try not to let mum guilt trip you into staying. Been there...

KatyTheCleaningLady · 17/09/2013 14:53

It's Bullshit.

bestsonever · 17/09/2013 14:54

No chance! Move out before any of that happens and make it clear that your move is irrelevant to her future as you would not want her living with you anyway wherever you live. Stand up for yourself and your family.

MrsGeologist · 17/09/2013 14:54

It's bullshit. Move and be glad your dodged the bullet of having her live with you.

PTFO · 17/09/2013 14:54

do what is right for you. Your mother needs to stand on her own two feet, If she suspects she might lose her job then she should be planning for that, ie looking for new job, saving up. Understandably IF things were better between you, then you would have offered to have her stay but that would have to be offered and agreed upon, to stop you moving is totally unreasonable. Plus if she was desperate for somewhere to live would she turn it down even if you were an hour away..not that desperate then!

LisaMedicus · 17/09/2013 14:58

Complete bullshit.

Move further away if possible, and never, ever make extensions/family rooms/playrooms look like they could be available.

My dad lives with us. He is an utter sweetie. It works really well for us and has been amazingly beneficial. I WOULD STILL NOT RECOMMEND IT WITHOUT REAL, SERIOUS, CAREFUL THOUGHT AND PLANNING.

If it went wrong, and it sounds like it could go horrifically wrong, you would be left torn between living in hell or making your own mother homeless.

CailinDana · 17/09/2013 15:10

Who cares whether it's true or not? It's up to you who lives in your house.

Hegsy · 17/09/2013 15:15

Bullshit if your house is to tiny for you DH and DD how on earth does she think her and your sister would fit?

Move and quickly!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/09/2013 15:17

More PA bullshit on your mother's part. Ignore such rubbish spouted by her.

maisierose91 · 17/09/2013 15:20

Most definitely sounds like bullshit. In what dimension would that be a reasonable solution to her problem; burdening you! Sounds to me her and your sister need to have a serious 'worst case scenario' conversation and start preparing themselves.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 17/09/2013 15:20

FFS. She is laying on a guilt-trip because she thinks something might happen sometime in the future in relation to a job that she currently has which might actually never happen.

Eh...complete BS if you ask me.

as LisaMedicus has it, make sure that extensions etc never look like they are available for accommodation purposes.

KoalaFace · 17/09/2013 15:20

Bull. Shit.

FetchezLaVache · 17/09/2013 15:21

Bullshit if your house is to tiny for you DH and DD how on earth does she think her and your sister would fit?

^^This.

I think even if you had a vast mansion it would be more than mildly uncomfortable to have someone you don't much like living with you. Your mum (and sister, if she would honestly have gone along with the plan) sound entitled and a bit bonkers, frankly.

BalloonSlayer · 17/09/2013 15:29

And she thought that would make you want to stay??????!!! Grin

Can't you find a neighbourhood she hates even more than the one you are planning on, just to be on the safe side?

Lavenderhoney · 17/09/2013 15:46

Its bullshit and emotional blackmail.

Go ahead with your move and say its a done deal. Don't get into a discussion with her where she feels part of the decision marking. Talk about other things and don't have her to stay straight away and make a big drama out of an hours move!

something2say · 17/09/2013 16:29

Be prepared for her fallout when you tell her. By this I mean hanging up on you, rehecting you, telling lies to people about you because she doesn't like your decision.

But really, it could have been this issue or the next one - the crux seems to be that she is manipulative and you wouldn't want her living with you - thats the problem, not that you have said no.

So wheny ou use this vehickle to get that message across (or this vehicle eventually does get that message across) be prepared for some fallout.

Gather your support around you and reinforce positivity.

NandH · 17/09/2013 17:15

Absolute bullshit!
Sounds to me like she'd be the type to move in 'temporarily' and end up never leaving, I wouldn't allow this is I were you! You have your own family to support now. Move, its clearly best for your family!

BlissfullyIgnorant · 17/09/2013 17:28

Sounds like she's making it up to guilt trip you into staying in what she says she thinks is a crap area. This tells me she doesn't want you to do better than her.
Go ahead and move. You obviously feel its best for your family so you should trust your feelings. If she's passive aggressive with you why does she think she can move in any time she wants? Don't let her walk all over you - for the sake of your family and for yourself.
I am, of course, speaking from experience.

Wellwobbly · 17/09/2013 17:38

"Am I being a selfish daughter, or is this, in fact, bullshit?"

The fact that you even ask this question says that you are still hopelessly ensnared with your mother.

Do some work and study on narcissism and its hooks, and work on how you can unhook yourself.

She has no right to lie to you, treat you like you exist for her benefit. She gave birth to you but she doesn't own you.

Set yourself free, OP!

Original poster
MummyBeerest · 17/09/2013 20:21

Thank you all for your replies.

It's true, my mother is pretty narcissistic and has really impacted my view of...life, in general.

I would hope my sister would never go along with it, but, she has zero intent on moving out on her own or paying
rent. Ever.

DH and I both agree it'd be a terrible, albeit hypothetical, situation.

It'll never happen

OP posts:
TessTackle · 17/09/2013 20:55

MummyB Her crap should stay as just that, hers.
You have your own life and family and she should respect that. I honestly think you need to put your foot down and tell her she is being ridiculous and disgustingly selfish. Hope it all goes as planned.

Hissy · 17/09/2013 20:58

it's guilt tripping you because you are progressing in life. She can't bear it!

Ignore and do what pleases you. you are not responsible for your mother. By rights, if anyone were, it'd be the DD that lives with her...

If she lost her job, she would get more help with the rent staying put than coming to live with you.

Her moving in with you is NEVER going to happen... NOT on our watch!

Original poster
MummyBeerest · 17/09/2013 22:19

Thank you Tess and Hissy Smile MN, you're like my therapy.

I agree it should be my sister's responsibility to help out my mother, but since my sister has never been expected to do anything she would never even think of it.

OP posts:
Hissy · 18/09/2013 00:36

.. Not your problem then love! Grin

Oh you can ooh and ahh, tilt your head and say Poor thing, but that is as far as it goes.

Is your H supportive of you? if he's likely to be firmer, allow him to be the big bad guy that has put his foot down if she ever forces the staying with you issue...

Then if she still won't budge, tell her that you agree with him and that you don't want her living with you.

Sure it will be a mini grenade to lob into the family, but sometimes it has to be done...

Original poster
MummyBeerest · 18/09/2013 00:54

I agree! Grin

In fact, I warned my mother years ago (when my sister was 18 and doing dick all,) that this would happen. No, my mother protested. My sister would marry a wealthy man and laugh at us all.

My sister is now 26, single, debt up to her eyes and living rent-free with my mother. Though, my sister can afford to go to the Dominican Republic next month. Hmm

My Dh is very supportive thankfully, and has played the bad guy many times on my behalf (I never ask him to.)

He was there when my mother brought this up and raised an eyebrow and asked point blank, "you are joking, right?"

OP posts:
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