Mother / Madonna / Whore (Syndrome)????

[schooldays]

I am going to counselling following a really shitty marraige.
I would always have described it as an abusive relationship but counsellor today (who has also worked with exH) said its more like the above.

Sounds like a bit of a cop out to me - what do ye think??
Ever heard of it??

[DioneTheDiabolist]

There are indeed plenty of horror stories OP. However you are not the partner of these men. Nor are you the partner of any of the men studied for the Madonna/Whore research.

You have your Ex, so you will deal with him. His anger scares you. What can you do to not be exposed to this right now?

You don't have to separate anything. He was your DP. He destroyed your relationship. You coukd not stick around and let him destroy you and the DCs, so you walked away from the wreckage. It was a brave move and it was the right move. ATM you need to focus on yourself and forget him for a while.

Your relationship has ended. How do you feel?

[schooldays]

i feel mostly numb. and he keeps popping into my mind and then i feel worried about him. mostly numb though..

[DioneTheDiabolist]

He has his family and his counsellor for support, he will get through this. His welbeing is no longer your responsibility.

What can you do now for yourself and the DCs?

[Fairenuff]

Make sure you keep your doors locked when you are home so that he doesn't suddenly come in. Does he have a key?

[cjel]

CAn you think of anything you would like to do or plan that will start you to build your new life? Something that he never wanted perhaps? A treat of pizza and dvd evening?
You have done the right thing. I still feel deep love for my ex and worry about him even though |I went through so much hell with him and he has OW. I can love and care for him from the safety of my lovely new home and not have to have the fear and bullying in my life.
You are the same its ok to still care for him but you must learn to care for yourself more.
You say you don't often get praise - well start to get used to it - and give yourself praise for you decision you've just made.xx

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I don't mind you posting about it as much as you need!

[schooldays]

Thanks guys for the continued support.

He has a key but i can put a chain on the door so he cant get in - well i guess he could get in if he really wanted to but i dont think that will happen.

Wait til ye hear what he has done now!!! He text me a few hours ago to ask if i wouldnt mind still bringing his suit (for the wedding this wkend) to the dry cleaners) HELLO WTF??

As per not a word or acknowledgement about what was said earlier on both sides ie marraige over sick of you (me) - well im taking the car and the tv (him) How Bizzare!

its like he is obsessed with this wedding and hasnt even processed what has happened.

any psychiatrists on here! i know i know its not my problem to work out his frame of mind but seriously whats up with him??

[AnyFucker]

There is someone he really wants to see at the wedding ?

he is obsessed with keeping up appearances of the Big Man ?

he is a complete dickhead and you will never get any answers ?

I think it's a combination of all the above

detach

and don't take his suit to the dry cleaners, but I think you know that

[DioneTheDiabolist]

He is trying everything to open up a line of communication. He cries. It doesn't work, so he tries something else. He threatens. It doesn't work, so he tries something else. He asks for a reasonable favour.

Pack his stuff into a bag and have his brother collect it tomorrow. Do not contact your Ex. Do not call his brother until tomorrow.

What he has done is ask you to get over your hurt and do my laundry. This is what psychology specialists call extreme fuckwittery.

How are you doing now OP?

[cjel]

Dione I have been studying counselling and love that specialist term, I haven't come across it yet but it makes a lot of sense in a lot of cases

[schooldays]

extreme fuckwittery that is - finally an answer!!!!!!

have had two missed calls frm him - no intention of phoning him back

seriously though - i understand that in his almost childlike way he is trying to open lines of communication - thank you for helping me understand it cause genuinely sometimes i think i am losing my mind

so how do i move on and make a good life? heres the tricky bit.

how do i make myself relax enough and feel good enough to actually go to bed early and rest, not open a bot wine and smoke 10 cigs??? am hyper although exhausted (and have been for quite a few months) im sure and i hope some people on here understand.

its like self destruction of some form or other..

[schooldays]

ps i already have the bot wine open.............

[cjel]

I do understand, I always used to feel that i should have gone to bed at 9 then found 10 million other things I 'had' to do or check before I did!!!! In the end I just went to bed and the sleep happened

[iamadoozermum]

I just wanted to say that you've done fantastically. Just on a practical level, if he has a key, do you need to think about changing the locks?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

any psychiatrists on here! i know i know its not my problem to work out his frame of mind but seriously whats up with him??

There will come a magical day when he will do something or say something in the extreme fuckwittery school and instead of working out why or worrying about it, you will think, "that is not my problem any more". I remember that beautiful day with my Ex-H and I wish yours comes soon. Enjoy.

[schooldays]

He is such a tosser.
He txt this morning to say he was going to get his Will signed (this is another ting he had lied to me about) and he said he could do the school run too. I said fine (i hate the bloody school run) be here at 8.50am. So he duly arrived at said time and i told him dd school doesnt open until 9.10am. And quick as a flash he said "why did you say 8.50am then?"

Looking for an arguement much?

I really dont care if he is nice to me (dont think so anyway) but i kinda thought he would be concilatory (is that the word?) at least considering def def thinks, as he always does, that if he does something nice for me (like signing me his wife into his will!!!) that i will be fine and get over my little tantrum.

Prob sounds lame but the way he said "why did you say 8.50am then?" was so rude and made my stomach do a sommersault - you ladies know what im talking about.

Am going back to bed now for a well earned rest zzzzzzz

[cjel]

well done schooldays, Its a mazing how you are seeing his reality and your awareness of whats behind what he says. Glad you were able to use him for school run have a lovely lie inxx

[schooldays]

so he called back after school run with the car and the copy of the his will that he had just included me in (after 12 yr together). He said "sorry for the delay in getting this to you" WTF - he has lied to me over this recently - he said it was done when it actually wasnt - so lie now becomes a delay!! So i read will after he left and would you believe that after he dies (if i am dead before him) he has appointed his bro and wife to be my childrens guardians. Hello, is this not someting that shoudl be discussed with me??????

he said sorry about yest - i was just upset i would never take the car or any possessions off you - i am much calmer now - and hopefully down the line we will be able to work it out. again its the way all this was deliver. so rehearsed with total lack of emtion.

does he have an emotions i wonder??

[Wellwobbly]

Schooldays, what you are doing is called 'untangling the skein of fuckedupness'.

If you can work out WHY he does this, then you can make sense of it.

The answer is very simple: he is the centre of the universe and whatever he wants is all that matters. Sex, now? Food, now? Being looked after in all things? Loo roll in the bathroom, clothes washed, house clean, a cup of tea? These things, what he wants, when he wants it is how the world must be.

You are an extension of his bidding, just like his arm or leg is, So, if he wants something, then YOU should automatically do his bidding, just like an arm or hand does. Hands don't want to be listened to or talked to, so STFU. He is not interested in you, what you think, what you want, whether you hurt or if you are lonely. Shut up about all that sh*t, it doesn't do anything for his benefit so stop it with those... DEMANDS. Cow. Whiny bitch. Stop nagging, for chrissake.

If you step out of line by not doing what he wants, or trying to make him think/care about you, then he is entitled to do ANYTHING to put you back in your place. Shake with rage, threaten, shout, frighten you - ANYTHING to make sure that you STFU with all that droning and all his benefits being Master of the Universe continue.

Stop trying to work out why. He is not depressed. He is not confused. He is not lost in pain and needs 'loving' out of it. He knows EXACTLY what he is doing. He does it because it makes HIM the centre of the universe and you belong to him. It really is this simple.

So the question you need to ask yourself: is this person a friend? Is this how friends treat eachother? What are your values, what will you tolerate? Why are you involved with someone who doesn't care about you?

Stick to those questions and they will keep you strong.

[Wellwobbly]

Read Lundy Bancroft. This is a man who works with abusive men. When he wrote that they know exactly what they are doing, it just makes it all much worse.

Stop trying to work him out. Work on fixing yourself, your self esteem and getting back your love for life.

And LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS! They never liked him, did they?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

In time, you will recover and begin to feel better. The less you interact with him, the faster this will happen.

Try to avoid responding to anything. Unless it's a real emergency regarding the kids, don't reply to any texts or messages until at least 24 hours have gone by, and then reply with as little as possible. So, for suit question don't reply immediately and delete then say "I can't do that."

In person, just shrug and say "hmmm" to anything not necessary for co parenting.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

OP, it does indeed appear that you are the target of your Ex's Extreme Fuckwittery. How peculiar that after not making a will and lying to you about it, now that you have ended the relationship he has managed to get it done (and in the process try to open yet another line of communication as well as delivering the message that you will be stuck with him forever). Fortunately women tend to live longer than men and parents in the 21st century tend to survive until their offspring reach adulthood.

But hey ho. Enough about him and why he does what he does, let's focus on you again. Why did you kick him out this time?

[schooldays]

Kicked him out because of the lies (again), because he made a big fuss about me goin out for a meal with friends ((again) and because i dont like the way he speaks to my dd -also because i am tired of living with a constant knot in my stomach when he is around.

BUT i had a few glasses wine last night and cant believe it i actually was tempted to phone him and say all is forgiven!!!!! thankfully i didnt

When and how do i learn to relax and just go to bed and rest - am so exhausted today...

Also i have the mother from hell who is wrecking my head and im just not able for her sh*te at the moment...

[WeAreSeven]

schooldays, don't pick up the phone to your mother.
Stay strong. Have wine but don't let it turn you to mush!

[cjel]

how are you?x