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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

no idea what to call this thread

71 replies

Blondeorbrunette · 16/09/2013 13:52

I have no ideb where to start sorting out the shit heap that is my life.

I cant make a decision to save my life. When i do, i cant stick to it.

I think im depressed, i dont even know that.
I have madd an app with my doctor for thurs to discuss this.

All that has gone wrong in my life is catching up with me.

My horrendous childhood, my shit parents. My brother attempted sex with me when i was 14.
At the end of may i went out for a drink and i got a taxi home. Woke up in the morning without a stitch on. I have very little memory of what happened.

When i go to doc on thursday im gonna tell him i need help or im gonna throw my phone in the cnal and go missing.

I just dont know where to start.

Im a cunt to everyone around. What comes out of my mouth is shocking.

To top it off i am stuck in a marriageh want out of.

I hate my life. I hate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondeorbrunette · 16/09/2013 13:54

Sorry for mistakes

OP posts:
JumpingJackSprat · 16/09/2013 13:59

im so sorry to hear this. have you thought about calling the samaritans if you really have nobody to talk to? they might be able to help you.

mcmooncup · 16/09/2013 14:02

You have done the right thing going to your doctor.

Do you know the doctor you are seeing?

Aradia · 16/09/2013 14:19

Oh love it will all get better, don't wait till Thu, ring the doctors now and get an emergency appt today. This is an emergency.

iwasyoungonce · 16/09/2013 14:21

Blondeorbrunette it sounds to me as if you have had a lot of terrible shit to deal with in your life, and now you need to concentrate on what it is you want, and how to get yourself feeling OK again. The reason you are being horrible to others is because you are unhappy, not because you are a cunt. Honestly.

If you are unhappy in your marriage then that will be making you more miserable - are you able to sort it out (marriage guidance?), or leave?

I'd suggest stop drinking, so you don't end up in a vulnerable position again.

I hope you get some help from the doctor. It's definitely the right way to go - a very positive first step - so well done.

Please believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can pick yourself up from this. You can make changes happen. You honestly can.

Original poster
Blondeorbrunette · 16/09/2013 14:24

I have spoken to them but didnt find them helpful at all.

I need to make sense of my feelings so that i can make the right decisions, if that makes sense.

I dont know where to start. I have been physically abused and every other way by my husband yet i went back to him. I know i shouldnt have yet i have. I leave, i feel sick and hot when i do and i literally have a meltdown.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 16/09/2013 14:31

OP, where do your DCs fit into all this? Are you managing to look after them while you're feeling so desperate?

Mabelface · 16/09/2013 14:34

Well done on making that appointment. That's your first very small step towards a peaceful life. x

Original poster
Blondeorbrunette · 16/09/2013 14:38

Truthfully, they have worn me down and i resent them sometimes. They are well fed, attend school every day but they kno that im not realky here.

My mother left when i was 14 and my husaand sazs the apple doesnt faujl far from the tree.

I would never leave thew

OP posts:
iwasyoungonce · 16/09/2013 14:48

Your H sounds like an arsehole. He is abusive, you need to get away from him, or you'll never be happy.

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" - what a nasty thing to say. It's not true either. The apple often falls very far - there is no reason you will turn out like your mum, if you don't want to.

My kids wear me down too at times. It's always worse/ harder to cope with when you are depressed. Go to the doctor first, and when you begin to feel better you will feel more able to deal with everything. i.e. coping with your kids and getting away from your H. You need people in your life who will support you.

You will look back one day and realise just how much that arsehole was dragging you down.

Original poster
Blondeorbrunette · 16/09/2013 14:58

So sorry for the mistakes, my phone is a pain in the ass.

Yes, i need to get away from him, but i just dont have the strength.

I feel such a fuck up.

I am a moan.

OP posts:
Mabelface · 16/09/2013 15:23

You're not a fuck up and you're not a moan. You're worn down and are feeling like your reserves of strength are gone. You're not your mother, so don't let that man tell you otherwise. You can gather your last tiny little bit of strength to make the first steps towards a better life, and making that appointment was one of them. You can and deserve to be happier.

Original poster
Blondeorbrunette · 16/09/2013 15:34

Im trying so hard to push forward, its just so hard.

Its not really pills i need, its a chance to put stuff behind me. I am shit at moving on and letting things go.

OP posts:
iwasyoungonce · 16/09/2013 17:15

Pushing forward will be all the harder with that loser in your life. he's dragging you down.

I think maybe you need counselling. Talk to the doctor about that.

By the way, if you can't come online and moan anonymously, then where can you moan, eh?? You are entitled to moan! You have had it far from easy. The goal now is to think, OK, no more. I'm taking no more shit. I deserve happiness now. And MEAN it.

Original poster
Blondeorbrunette · 16/09/2013 17:27

That is exactly what im thinking now, that i deserve to be happy and i really do.

He is a loser isnt he. He has cheated on me numerous times, headbutted me, spat in my face, called me a whore. I could go on.

Just for that i should be gone. I just need to grow some balls and get on my feet.

I used to be so happy.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 16/09/2013 17:37

It might help to have a chat with Women's Aid, as well. Living with an abusive man will make your mental health much worse, and they can offer you practical support and help to get him out of your life. They will not criticize you for having stayed with him, you are not the only woman who knows that the relationship is shit but cannot, for various reasons, put an end to it without help.

Original poster
Blondeorbrunette · 16/09/2013 18:44

I have spoken to womens aid before. I know they offer support and i will speak to them again.

I know what i need to do. Its just that i cave on the other side once im gone.

I need to let go of him and my marriage, and know that i have done the right thing.

What a mess.

OP posts:
iwasyoungonce · 16/09/2013 18:55

I think that you are right at the beginning of making some really positive changes in your life.

You have made the dr appointment
You have realised that your H is a loser and you would be happier without him
You are going to speak to Womens Aid

Those decisions are all good ones. See - you CAN make decisions! Now you need to follow this up. You owe it to yourself. You deserve to be happy, and you're the only one that can make this happen.

Be strong, and get support. Take control. This man has almost broken your spirit - but don't let the bastard win.

Start making lists of things you are going to do, and make yourself do it. Just urge yourself on. Don't put it off. Just because you caved last time doesn't mean you will cave again. You are stronger this time.

Original poster
Blondeorbrunette · 16/09/2013 19:45

I dont know abt stronger, but im determined. Life has got to be better than this.

Im literally going to demand counselling from the doctor on friday.

I really need help to break things down so i can work through them one by one.

My head is all over the place so im hoping once the little things are tackled i can see more clearly and get onto the big ones.

A man that hits his wife is never g

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondeorbrunette · 16/09/2013 19:54

On thursday even. I dont have the money until then.

Sorry, posted too soon. A man that hits his wife is never going to change is he.

OP posts:
iwasyoungonce · 16/09/2013 21:13

No, he is never going to change. Not a chance.

I wish you all the very best for Thursday. You're right, life should be so much better. Your future will be so much happier.

Original poster
Blondeorbrunette · 16/09/2013 21:36

Thank you iwasonce young for your support today. I feel a bit better than this morning.

I hope i get out on the other side soon.

I have to keep telling myself this will get better.

OP posts:
iwasyoungonce · 16/09/2013 22:31

Bless you Blondeorbrunette, I am glad you feel a bit better. I find that just making decisions about the future, i.e. having a plan, makes me feel more positive.

Just follow up on the plan - break it down into actions - and you WILL come through it.

Original poster
Blondeorbrunette · 16/09/2013 23:13

I have to come through it, or im literally go insane!
Thanks again

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 16/09/2013 23:14

Take every day and every decision a step at a time. You've made an appointment for your GP - thats a positive step. Next one is to get advice on how to leave. Just take each day at a time and when things feel bad just concentrate on getting through the day.

Remember they are not mistakes they are learning curves, you went back and nothings changed so you can be more confident this time you are doing the right thing for you and moving forward. See it as a positive to strengthen your resolve to get a better, peaceful life.

Good luck OP, baby steps and this time next year you can look back and be proud of your achievements.