Xp moved himself back in!!!!!! Advice please!

[mammadiggingdeep]

Cannot believe this. He's been gone nearly 7 months.....shitty behaviour since dd1 was born 3 years ago. Lack of affection, stonewalling, moody, unreasonable etc etc. I was a mug, took it all and tried to make things better. In march I discovered he'd been cheating and something in me clicked. I asked him to leave and he went.

We own the house together, it's in the middle of being renovated (by him). Since then he has virtually stopped doing anything to the house but was coming a bit to do bits in the first few months. He's continued paying half the mortgage payments.

Anyway, yesterday when I came home from being out with the DCs, he was here...doing some decorating. When I went upstairs I spotted a holdall bag. He stayed the night on sofa and when kissed dd1 goodbye said he'll be back later :(

I didn't speak to him at all....I didn't want to engage. I didnt want a row in front of the DCs who were pleased to see him. Wtf do I do??? Legally he's within his rights to move back in isnt he??? I can't do it :(

I offered to buy him out but he won't have it. Can't sell on the market yet as it's not finished and we wouldn't make as much money as I'd need for a future house.

Shit!! What if he stays put??!!!!!!! Shall I text him and tell him not to come back as door will be locked? Do I stay quiet and think on it for few days?? What do I do?? Please help....am panicking.

The fact that he moved out to live elsewhere, including for several months, means that they are separated.

Presumably the OP informed the relevant authorities, for council tax, benefits, work for tax purposes, etc. (if not, why not???)

The details and legalities should (and presumably will) be worked out by the OP today.

Personally I don't think it's healthy to have separated partners in the same house, let alone with children who pick up even more on tense moods.

lwe morally you are right this is not healthy. But legally not sure. I am only talking from experience, I am hoping the laws have changed on these things. My life was in danger, the police knew he was violent and and dangerous but still nothing could be done.

But the thing here is that he initially moved out and for several months.

I wouldn't be saying the same if he had been staying all along.

Worst case scenario, the OP should move out with the children.

Bastard I am talking about moved out, handed me the keys. but not before getting another set cut. And whilst I was at work some months months later called me out the blue and said "guess where I am" it was chilling. The police came with me into the house but were powerless. I would imagine things are better now, but as OP x's name is on the mortgage and has has been doing up the house probably won't help. I agree he sounds like a horrible selfish fucker with no regard for OP or his own kids but the law is an ass.

Cronullan.......amused face???? How dare you get amusement from a situation which is causing me distress. I asked for advice. You may think you've given it but your tone is not sympathetic at all. I don't understand posters like you.

Thank you got sharing your experience- I can vieve thAt the police didn't act. Yes, I have evidence via tax credits and bills. I'm worried that I'm going to lose my childcare tax credits as he's living there now. It's worth 1200 a month to me!!!! I live in London do childcare for 2 little ones is through the roof.

That's the thing, the police can't do anything.
Only the courts.

But that works in reverse too.

You should post in Legal, there are a number of practising family solicitors who frequent the board. Essentially though, you should not change the locks as he is a joint owner and legally has a right of entry. Given the history however you can apply to limit that right by applying for an occupation order under The Family Law Act 1996. You may be entitled to legal aid if there is evidence of domestic violence. If there is evidence of dv then you can also take advice on whether or not to apply for a non molestation order at the same time. These are short term solutions designed to give you time to sort out the longer term solution such as obtaining an order for sale of the property for example.

That's why you need to either be a bitch and find a way of changing the locks (is he going to work? Just skip work, for one day or arrive late, really).
Or make sure you cover your bases legally, as he's not (presumably) contributing towards child care, family finances, etc.

Seriously, I'd be taking days off to sort this asap.

indeed. he did move out but has been payig mortgage and op willingly gave him a key to come in and renovate.

the law TOLATA says both partners own the property equally (unless something has been set out at land registry confirming differeing shares)

occupation order? only likely if he hasbeen physically abusive etc. op is relying on him agreeing to move out - which he did but clearly ash changed his mind...

op can apply to court under tolata to sell the perpty an court will decide who gets what share. will be fifty fifty unless either party shows proof evidence it shoudl be more.

plus childrens act can be applied eg if dc live with op and she needs some of his share to house the children, held fr teh children and would need to be returned to the x when kids reach 18 or "finish full time education" .

tolata/childrens act application takes time. it's long and messy. i am still battling as have court order for sale for joint owned property which ex lives in (i moved out six years ago with dc and rent!) but ex refusing to move out so i need to spend more £££ on eviction - he has some spurious plan to get some money from his relatives and buy me out but providing no evidence.

op can appeal to x better nature and sit with a mediator /lawyer and agree who lives where and who pays what in short and medium and long term.

but cronulla is right. in the absence of phsycal abuse the law is not on op's side in kicking him out. and why should he pay mortage on place he isnt living in? to provide for children? yes maybe

(were she to change locks he could apply to court for access to the property)

"he's not (presumably) contributing towards child care, family finances, etc"

if he is paying half the mortgage for op and dc to live in the property then yes he is effectively contributing.

op you really need to speak to a solicitor and get things clear as to what legally you need to do here

you ned to send him a claer message legally you want to sort this out.

posting in legal sounds a good idea. OP needs proper advise I think some people are being too emotional and confusing what "mamm x should do morally with his legal right to live there.Op* I really hope you can reason with him, you said his mum was on side would be possible for her to get her son to see that he is upsetting her Grand children. Did the OW kick him out or something?

Wise words cest as always

What sort of man would want to confuse his child like that? Sorry no advice but he sounds like a real arse

A selfish one moomins

Have posted in legal...off to the solicitor at 4pm. Gulp.

Also going to speak to his mum today again....

Orchidlady, no he wasn't at other woman's. was with his dad. I think he's returned because he genuinely misses the dc and I think he's hoping I'll slip back into a relationship with him!!

Good luck mamma I am glad you are taking the legal route rather than listening to people on here about locking him out. Sadly it looks like he has as much right to live there as you. Hope he comes to his senses and his mum and brother can help him do the right thing.. Please come back and let us know how it goes. Fingers crossed for you

Crossed posts mamma I guess he should have thought about all that before cheating. What an ass!

Exactly orchid....all of this is the fall out of a stupid choice on his behalf......this is the consequence of his pathetic actions,

Thanks for the good wishes too x

Keep things separate financially. It is possible to live under same roof but not be together as regards Tax Credits. Get maintenance.

I am not a lawyer, but hope your sol visit will confirm this. All the best. I lived under same roof while divorcing, and then while getting to financial settlement. Twas not nice. [hugs]

Good luck OP I agree with everyone who has said you need legal advice. It is certainly possible to still claim tax credits, but you will need to be careful. You may be living under the same roof, but not as partners. A separation agreement would help your case, but the fact that you are indeed separated - not sharing a bed, food, finances should be enough. You may be in a better position if you can pay the mortgage yourself, his contribution should be child maintenance instead.

My experience is that an occupation order is regarded as a draconian measure by the courts, and only granted where there has been physical violence. If he won't see reason your only option might be to rent somewhere else (in which case he should pay the mortgage). If he knew that was the alternative, would that help his decision?

Awful for you all, I hope the solicitor was constructive and hasn't depressed you!

Quick update.....extremely depressing :(

As we thought, no to the lock change. She kind of dismissed idea of keep locking him out, she said would just distress myself really- waiting hot the knocks/ dealing with angry aftermath etc.

She also said doesn't sound like occupation prefer would be successful- not DV, no evidence if emotional abuse etc.

She recommended a family mediation service with a view to a seperation agreement, outlining financial, housing plans etc. as he has agreed to sell but just not to me she said quickest exit would be to push for sale as part of separation agreement.

That's the bones of what she said.
Obviously yes, I have option of moving out to rented. Would I still get help with rent if I own a property though? Don't think I could afford whole rent.

So after half an hour with a sol I'm not thatuchpre enlightened and still not free of the twunt.....

oh that is bad news I guess selling is the only way to rid yourself of his being there