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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Xp moved himself back in!!!!!! Advice please!

153 replies

mammadiggingdeep · 16/09/2013 10:21

Cannot believe this. He's been gone nearly 7 months.....shitty behaviour since dd1 was born 3 years ago. Lack of affection, stonewalling, moody, unreasonable etc etc. I was a mug, took it all and tried to make things better. In march I discovered he'd been cheating and something in me clicked. I asked him to leave and he went.

We own the house together, it's in the middle of being renovated (by him). Since then he has virtually stopped doing anything to the house but was coming a bit to do bits in the first few months. He's continued paying half the mortgage payments.

Anyway, yesterday when I came home from being out with the DCs, he was here...doing some decorating. When I went upstairs I spotted a holdall bag. He stayed the night on sofa and when kissed dd1 goodbye said he'll be back later :(

I didn't speak to him at all....I didn't want to engage. I didnt want a row in front of the DCs who were pleased to see him. Wtf do I do??? Legally he's within his rights to move back in isnt he??? I can't do it :(

I offered to buy him out but he won't have it. Can't sell on the market yet as it's not finished and we wouldn't make as much money as I'd need for a future house.

Shit!! What if he stays put??!!!!!!! Shall I text him and tell him not to come back as door will be locked? Do I stay quiet and think on it for few days?? What do I do?? Please help....am panicking.

OP posts:
totallydone · 17/09/2013 20:16

YES

TimidLivid · 17/09/2013 20:18

U are going to need to act or he will be staying and u don't want that yes locks changed tomorrow

SweetSeraphim · 17/09/2013 20:29

But will she get into trouble legally??

Original poster
mammadiggingdeep · 17/09/2013 20:32

I'm past caring.....what's the worst they can do?? Take me to court....I'll stand up and say that he was a bloody horrible, manipulative, emotionally abudive person to live with, I was walking on eggshells and if I didn't lock him out I'd have had a mental breakdown!!!!

I almost changed my nickname to mammadugdeepandgotfree the other day......nope......still digging deep!!!! Give me strength!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
IAmNotAMindReader · 17/09/2013 20:37

OK, if your going to do it make sure the second thing you do tomorrow is get the legal side of things moving as quick as you can towards an occupation order. Ask also if this would class as harassment in some form as he is now being deliberately belligerent you may be able to get a non molestation or restraining order (don't know the difference between the 2 sadly or if its applicable in your case).

Original poster
mammadiggingdeep · 17/09/2013 20:42

Yes......I just want things formalised. Wonder how long occupation order would take to process? Solicitor would know I guess. The one I spoke to today wasn't totally helpful really but have got appointment to speak in person on Thursday.

OP posts:
zipzap · 17/09/2013 21:01

Slight side track - but if he's in your house and you're not there... How safe is all your stuff and the dcs stuff - not just like him stealing things from you - but how likely is he to be going through your files and taking bank account numbers or passports or driving license or birth certificates or other stuff that it is difficult to replace or that you need to have easily to hand. or account numbers for things like your gas or electricity supplier so that he could ring up and cut you off (maybe now, maybe later) or change you to a different supplier or just do things like that to screw with you because he can?

Sounds like he isn't the most reasonable or affable of people and it also sounds like he wants to cause you grief however he can. Horrible mixture if he is in your house by himself and has time to be going through your stuff...

Hopefully he isn't - but hopefully you have got somewhere safe that you could put everything important (even just with a friend until this all blows over). And of course physically important stuff too - you'd all probably notice the tv or computer if it disappeared but stuff from your jewellery box might take some time. And again if you have stuff that's sentimental to you even if it's not worth anything to sell - worth him taking if he wants to cause you grief. At the end of the day you can get a new tv relatively easily - granny's engagement ring or your dad's favourite book from when he was a child - impossible.

Oh and please go and ask your questions on the legal board on MN - it's fab and you can at least start getting some answers to questions tonight!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters

Original poster
mammadiggingdeep · 17/09/2013 21:28

Thank you.........I did think about moving kids passports and birth certificates actually. I will take th to work with me tomorrow.

Thanks for the link.....will post now.

Thank you everybody. Mn has got me through a lot these past 7 months......thank goodness for a bunch of strangers on the Internet :) xx

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/09/2013 23:02

Perhaps it's best if you don't go to work, and take care of the locks and so on.

Make sure he doesn't know about your plans.

Does he know about MN?

Original poster
mammadiggingdeep · 17/09/2013 23:11

No, doesn't know bout MN....he barely knew/acknowledged I breathed before we split...let alone what actually did with my time.....

The thought about work had crossed my mind actually....will just be stressing all day so may as well get it dealt with and then get in ASAP. My friends, friends partner is a lock smith....said just to give him a call when he's needed.

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/09/2013 23:20

Fingers crossed then.

Stay cool.

BIWI · 18/09/2013 09:22

Don't change the locks!

read this

Unless legal advice has changed, (and I'm not a lawyer/legal expert!), you would be in the wrong. If he came home and found you had done this, he would be within his rights to insist that you let him in. If he were to call the police, presumably they would have to help him rather than you, which is not what you want!

You could, though, be in the house, and put the chain on/bolt the doors and stop him coming in that way - on the basis that he is supposed to have left.

I would keep working on his family to help you in this regard.

Original poster
mammadiggingdeep · 18/09/2013 09:29

Yes bwiw...have decided that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to change the locks only if he doesn't go and things become ridiculous. Still going to see solicitor and discuss occupation order.
Thanks guys xx

OP posts:
SweetSeraphim · 18/09/2013 21:59

How are you today?

Original poster
mammadiggingdeep · 18/09/2013 22:43

Hey sweet.... Am ok thanks.....hating this situation but digging deep!! Am meeting solicitor tomorrow. I'm getting in later than him from work at mo so he was in again tonight. My dds are loving having him here, selfish arse doesn't realise it's all got to reversed again when he goes. It took her weeks at the beginning to stop asking when daddy was coming home. She asked this morning "daddy why are u here on a pre school day?".....she knows he's not usually there. Confused 3 year old....fantastic!

OP posts:
SweetSeraphim · 18/09/2013 22:45

Stupid selfish arsehole Angry

Really will be thinking of you tomorrow, lots of luck Thanks

Original poster
mammadiggingdeep · 18/09/2013 22:48

Thanks sweet. Xx

OP posts:
cronullansw · 19/09/2013 00:42

As ever, there are two sides to every story - go on MNers, criticise me as much as you like, but consider this.....

He's not stopped paying half the mortgage, he's not violent, he's fixing the place up, there's no court orders for whatever reason saying he can't live there, so legally, he's entitled to live there.

So why shouldn't he? Just cos OP doesn't like him any more doesn't stand up in a court.

I'm completely sure it's not pleasant at all, but I honestly don't see how he can be forced to move out, and changing the locks would simply deprive him of his rightful access, not a smart move for OP.

perfectstorm · 19/09/2013 01:29

Well cronulla, if you really do hail from and reside in Cronulla, NSW, then you know even less about English marital and property law than the average layperson. On account of how you're in a totally different jurisdiction. So maybe you might want to consider your own wholesale ignorance before offering legal advice?

Fairenuff · 19/09/2013 08:13

It certainly does stand up in court.

BIWI · 19/09/2013 08:28

See, cronullansw, the OP and her partner are separated. Therefore he should not be letting himself back into the house.

Obviously there are two sides to every story, but this bit is clear.

Why should the OP have to put up with someone who is evidently abusive to her?

Original poster
mammadiggingdeep · 19/09/2013 08:56

And more to the point, why should my 3 year old dd now have to forget that daddy lives somewhere else....get used to playing With him every morning before pre school and having daddy read bedtime stories and then in another 6 months have to start the whole sad grieving process again. Have you ever watched your small child pine for their daddy? Well if not pipe down unless you have anything better to say than "there's two sides to every story". No shit Sherlock. I have just dropped her to pre school with her asking "will daddy be in today when I get home?". She is confused. I'm not in the right frame of mind to read half baked comments from people playing devils advocate.

OP posts:
BIWI · 19/09/2013 08:59

Well said, mamma!

Orchidlady · 19/09/2013 09:49

mamma what horrible situation, your poor you and poor dc. This happened to me many years ago and we was phsically abusive. He moved himself back in whilst I was at work, Worst part mortgage was in my name and he never contributed I was still unable to get the bastard out. Unfortunately the police said they could not remove him as his name was on an electricity bill wtf! I had to rent somewhere else whilst trying to sell, as I was scared for my life, there was also a record of his violence. This was some time ago so I truely hope the law has changed. Hope you are sorting things out.

cronullansw · 19/09/2013 10:02

Amused face :)

Sorry Perfectstorm, I'm not from Cronulla, although I do live there now, so take your criticism back please, as these two are, legally, not separated. No legal action ending their relationship has taken place.

Get this right, his behaviour might well appear to some here to be in the wrong, but a court wouldn't see it like that at all, all they will see is - is the property jointly owned, does the relationship still exist as a legal entity.

Read orchidlady's comments, this poor lady's partner wasn't even paying his share of the bills and ''couldn't get him out.''