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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP kicked me & it hurt

74 replies

Shallistopnow · 15/09/2013 23:12

He was annoyed that I was just 'selfishly' going to my parents for lunch today & not taking our daughter as she didn't want to come with me. He calls me all the names under the sun (in front of dd). He told me not to come back & when I did he said "what are doing here?" & "you'd better be f*ing gone tomorrow". But he won't leave & won't let me leave with our dd. We only moved here 2 months ago & dd loves it so I couldn't bear to move her to my parents. But then I don't know what matters anymore, too depressed.

OP posts:
pictish · 16/09/2013 11:13

You see OP, this is how it works, and this is why women stay in abusive relationships.
He sounds sincere right? He sounds rational. You think 'he does have a point' don't you?

Actually, it's just an exercise in blame. "YOU caused this. This is YOUR fault. I assaulted and abused you, because YOU made me. I'm actually a saint in all of this...I defended you!"

This is precisely how victims of domestic abuse end up thinking it's their own fault. This is how the grinding down of esteem works. The lack of confidence, the confusion. The lack of faith in one's own instincts.

That message is not an apology, it's a justification.

OP - there is no justification for what he did. I think you are depressed. I think you are depressed because your husband is an abusive shit.
See a gp, and talk to Women's Aid. x

nicename · 16/09/2013 11:18

If this is the usual pattern, he really needs help with his anger and behaviour. He may be sorry - but if he really was then he would beg you on bended knees not to leave and promise to go to counselling.

pictish · 16/09/2013 11:25

The word sorry holds no weight whatsoever, if the behaviour continues and escalates.

"I didn't mean to hurt you"
What did he think kicking you would achieve? He did mean to hurt you. He lay in wait for you coming home from your parents, so he could hurt you. This attack was premeditated and is now being justified, by tossing the blame onto you.

What's more...every time he behaves like this over you going somewhere, the less likely you are to defy him, for fear of a repeat performance...so it works for him on all scores. Control and fear.

pictish · 16/09/2013 11:26

All wrapped up in a scented note.

whatdoesittake48 · 16/09/2013 15:39

Please keep this email - it is evidence of his behaviour. A man who "sees red" and then tells you it is your fault is not worth staying with. You will be walking on eggshells to avoid doing whatever it was which makes the red mist descend. it is a path into madness - but perhaps you have already taken most of that path... start walking back to the person you were.

Twinklestein · 16/09/2013 16:01

If you leave your daughter with your partner, how long before he starts laying into her? With you gone he'll have no-one else to kick.

What happens when she starts puberty?

You cannot abandon your daughter to this abusive bully. He will turn her into you & treat her the same.

So you get depressed, so what, who wouldn't in your situation?

You're a good mother, your daughter needs you. No matter how much this man has messed with your heads and made you doubt yourself, that is a fact.

Please call Women's Aid and plan an escape route. Call the police about yesterday.

Original poster
Shallistopnow · 17/09/2013 20:14

I'm still here. Last night and today was ok til he came home and started stressing about whether he would be able to get his new 2nd hand phone unlocked. This immediately annoyed me as our DD was in the same room doing her homework and he was sighing in frustration that the code he was entering wasn't working etc. He actually sounded quite aggressive and annoyed and I find that intimidating. He then sensed that I was annoyed and asked what the matter was. I explained which of course he didn't like. He then went on to say what a shit dinner I'd made and why is it when he's the one who's worked for 8 hours. Also that he'd asked me 3 times politely when I was gonna stop being a prick so when was I? Charming.
We did 'make up' last night or rather had good sex. But we did also agree to be nice. So now he's saying I knew you couldn't last 24 hours etc which I can't believe cos its him that's gone straight back to being a bully.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/09/2013 20:21

Get off the merry go round, love

You can find some other bloke that is good at sex. If this is all he is fit for, this is a terrible example you are helping to set for your dd

What a fucking baby, huffing and puffing while she tried to get on with homework. He's like an attention-seeking 3 yo that grabs your face when mummy is talking.

Original poster
Shallistopnow · 17/09/2013 20:21

I looked up and read about the characteristics of emotional abusers and so many ring a bell. Even just now the way he was calling me a selfish twat for failing to be nice/normal for 24 hours. I know my depression is because if him. When he's not around I'm a different person. Even when he goes out the back to smoke I feel slightly more relaxed. I'm so stupid though - I was dreamily thinking about another baby today cos I felt a bit sick & I thought things could be better but I'm fooling myself aren't I? He'd probably be worse than ever. I haven't rang Women's Aid yet, it took me a lot of courage yesterday just to ring up for counselling so I couldn't face that too. I wish all you lovely strong MNers could come around and take me away. And tell him just what a scumbag he is cos he really doesn't see it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/09/2013 20:22

You keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting.

clam · 17/09/2013 20:22

You had sex with him???? Shock

AnyFucker · 17/09/2013 20:23

He'll never admit what an inadequate prick he is. If you are waiting for him to have a light bulb moment and turn into a decent partner, you will wait your whole life (messing up your dd in the process)

YoniBottsBumgina · 17/09/2013 20:26

We understand that it is hard to pluck up the courage. Well done for phoning for the counselling - that must have taken a lot of courage.

Do you have a friend or family member who could sit with you while you call Women's Aid? I know it's a struggle but this is so important, for you AND your DD.

It would be lovely if we could come and take you away but we can't. Nobody can leave him for you. Just one big push and the ball is rolling. But you have to do this yourself.

NicholasTeakozy · 17/09/2013 20:33

He'll never admit what an inadequate prick he is.

What Aunty AnyFucker says is true.

fluffiphlox · 17/09/2013 20:34

I rarely post in Relationships and have had a pasting when I have. I have been married 28 years and neither of us has laid a finger on the other. You would be an absolute mug to stay with this oaf. Terrible example for your daughter. There are women on here who give good advice. Get shot of him. He sounds like a smarmy liar to me with a nasty streak. I'd be depressed too.

Original poster
Shallistopnow · 17/09/2013 21:56

Thanks for that fluffiphlox. I feel so much better now. Perhaps I'll just go jump.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shallistopnow · 17/09/2013 21:57

And yes Any Fucker is spot on.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/09/2013 22:04

shall you say yourself that you are different person when he is not around

you don't owe him anything at all

you owe yourself a better life than this

everyone on this thread thinks so, all these people cannot be wrong

PeanutPatty · 17/09/2013 22:09

I know it's hard to listen to advice from strangers when it's YOUR life that is being discussed/observed/dissected. However, for your own safety and the safety of your DD you really do need to call WA sooner rather than later. He is playing mind games with you. This is not how the majority of relationships are. The sooner you get out, the sooner your new life will start. I'm sure it is a scary thought but you can go it alone. You will be fine as a single parent. You will surprise yourself I'm sure. There is no need to live in fear. You have the ability to make changes. Take those first steps.

CreatureRetorts · 17/09/2013 22:10

What made you ring for counselling?

I'm not sure what's stopping you from making a simple phone call?

You sound like my mum. Depressed, living with a violent man, making excuses for his behaviour etc. in the end she walked out and left us with this dick.

Do something positive and less of the excuses. Ring women's aid.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/09/2013 22:14

I think you're getting motion sickness from being on this seesaw but until you get off and walk away nothing's going to change. In fact if he gets you pregnant he'll make the next nine months a misery and you'll be even more trapped. The man who lashes out whether premeditated or in temper won't make a distinction between you not pregnant or carrying his child when that so-called red mist descends.

Molly333 · 17/09/2013 22:22

The most important advice I can give you is this- your daughter will learn from you what to expect in relationships and that she must stay there and be abused because her mum did , unfortunately she may not be so lucky and survive that punch or kick . I know this because I was that little girl and only just survived . My anger at 44 years old is at my mum for not getting us out , she was the adult !

Original poster
Shallistopnow · 17/09/2013 22:24

I don't want to leave our new house which our daughter loves - I'm just decorating her room. We lived for years in a pokey flat & her in a box room. Why can't he shove off? I cannot live with my parents - they made me depressed in the first place. I still find it hard to believe that DP could really be such a scheming controlling bully. He says he wants things to be better and would like to get married etc. He smokes weed every day though so who knows what goes on in that brain.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/09/2013 22:27

You are intent on staying. Then there is nothing anyone can say to you. I understand you wanting a nice home for your dd. Unfortunately the one you have is a violent one.

Original poster
Shallistopnow · 17/09/2013 22:31

I'd happily leave but I feel like my daughter would never forgive me. And I just could not cope if she decided to stay with him. This situation would be a whole lot simpler if I was dead.

OP posts:
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