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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Kissing/dh cheating

50 replies

sundayspuds · 15/09/2013 15:22

I'm normally a lurker and wasn't going to post this but prompted by another thread and am confused about how bad this is - saw a message on dh's phone from a female colleague of his saying 'thanks for sharing the taxi - we should probably stop the habit of the goodnight kisses though' with a smiley face. He had been out with work on Friday night - I asked him about it, after getting himself in a complete mess of trying to make excuses he basically admitted that he's kissed her (proper kiss/snog) on about 6 different nights out this year. He promises it hasn't gone any further, said it was just a drunken goodnight thing because they generally share a taxi and doesn't seem to see think that it's that bad.

I'm really upset and angry with him but he's acting like I'm making a huge deal over nothing. I've generally thought that a one off kiss with a stranger would upset me but I could forgive but can't believe he's done this more than once with someone he sees everyday.

OP posts:

LoisPuddingLane · 15/09/2013 15:24

If it wasn't a big deal, he wouldn't have tried to make excuses. It is a big deal.

GetStuffezd · 15/09/2013 15:25

This is a deal breaker for me. It's cheating. How would he feel if you were doing the same? Cheeky cunt - making out you're unreasonable!!

Needadviceandfast · 15/09/2013 15:26

That would be absolutely crossing a line for me. Yes he's been honest but the fact that he thinks it's ok is shocking. Would he mind you doing the same with a male friend or colleague? I don't know what advice to give you but sorry to hear this has happened. You aren't making a big deal over nothing ffs...

SarahBumBarer · 15/09/2013 15:27

This is a huge deal breaker, he's a total knobber. BTW if you were reading LPL's thread or the thread about someone's DH who kissed a flatmate once many many years ago, your situation is very very different. Your DH has absolutely done something wrong, it is a huge deal, he is minimising your feelings and has made no attempt to nip the situation in the bud by avoiding this girl.

BusyCee · 15/09/2013 15:27

It's a big deal. Is he deluded?

totallydone · 15/09/2013 15:29

Huge huge dealbreaker. He is minimising it.
Twat--he is cheating.

Bellebelle · 15/09/2013 15:31

It's a massive deal, I would be furious.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/09/2013 15:33

He thinks it's OK to have a girlfriend at work that he snogs on a regular basis?

Tell him to pack his things and move out.

Bellebelle · 15/09/2013 15:33

Agree with totallydone in my eyes it's cheating. It's intimate physical contact. Bad enough once but repeatedly doing it? Drunk or not, of course he knows its wrong.

Clichecliche · 15/09/2013 15:37

I read somewhere that the step from no sexual contact to snogging is bigger than from snogging to sex. I believe that tbh

TwoStepsBeyond · 15/09/2013 15:39

Proper snogging on more than one occasion with someone he sees everyday is very intimate, it's not like a hug. I would find it very difficult to forgive. If it was sex that would be a total deal breaker, with kissing I'm inclined to say its not so bad, but actually it's not far off for me.

TwoStepsBeyond · 15/09/2013 15:40

I can definitely see that cliche

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/09/2013 15:42

ONE snog would be forgivable.

If he then realised they were on dodgy ground and stopped getting taxis home with her.

But he's basically continued a relationship with this woman based on regular snogs that are so established as an event now that they are something to discuss between them.

mamaslatts · 15/09/2013 15:45

His 'friend' knows what he's doing his wrong, why does he think its ok?

pregnantpause · 15/09/2013 15:45

He's been cheating on you and doesn't think it's too bad? Then why did he try to hide it initially? Seems to me he denied it, when it came apparent that wouldn't work he's minimising it. Id be disgusted and it would be a deal breaker. Snogging in the back of cars is intimate, it's something you do with your wife, not co workers. And it's a step before sex isn't it? Why didn't he tell you first time it happened? Why did he keep doing it if not to keep his options open? I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

pregnantpause · 15/09/2013 15:49

Indeed, her text to him suggests he is waiting for her to make the moves, to say yes or no. He's hoping for a progression or he would have put a stop to it. He's just waiting for her to make the next move.

flippingebay · 15/09/2013 15:58

It us a big deal and they've probably been making excuses for nights out for the one reason of a kiss at the end of the night... In time it would have gone further...

If it was 1 drunken snog I could forgive it - this is altogether different.

Does the ow have a partner or husband? If so ask him if he's ok to tell him what's been going on.. If they won't , then it proves its a big deal..

I'd be furious tbh

Wellwobbly · 15/09/2013 16:25

Have you texted this woman?

camelindasand · 15/09/2013 16:39

He's having an EA, that's crossed over into the beginning of an affair proper.

Original poster

sundayspuds · 15/09/2013 16:57

No I haven't contacted her - she is married too

Why do you think EA camelindasand?

OP posts:

Buzzardbird · 15/09/2013 17:04

Oh wow op. this is a lot for you to handle but the only way you are going to get around this is to kick him out to make him realise how serious it is and then if you want to stay together he is going to have to change jobs and nc.
The stupid twat probably doesn't have a clue the shit storm that his drunken snogs have caused.
You need to act very strong because he is trying to minimise.

MrsMelons · 15/09/2013 17:53

You are definitely not overeacting, it would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid. My thinking is that if DH would risk our life together for a drunken snog then he really doesn't think much of me or the DCs. I am not saying that would be how he (or you DH in your situation) would actully feel but I just don't think I could get past it.

I think a one off kiss may be able to be forgiven, especially if DH was mortified by the whole thing but after that definitely not. Cheating is cheating regardless of what the acts/words are.

flipchart · 15/09/2013 17:59

He's way out of order on all accounts i.e doing the kissing, minimising and then trying to make you seem out of order.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 15/09/2013 18:14

am confused about how bad this is

How bad does it feel, op?

That's how bad it is.

I would be devastated if my DH did this, it is just unthinkable, nothing acceptable about it. He's kissed her? As a regular thing? Even she thinks it's wrong. But he thinks it's fine.

It it not bloody fine at all.

You are the only one he should be kissing, and only you. Surely that is not difficult for him to understand.

LyraSilvertongue · 15/09/2013 18:26

For me, snogging another woman is an intimate act that's just a small step away from having sex with her. I would find it very, very difficult to forgive him if he was sorry and begging for forgiveness. The fact that he thinks it's not a big deal would make it pretty much impossible to forgive.

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