Kissing/dh cheating

[sundayspuds]

I'm normally a lurker and wasn't going to post this but prompted by another thread and am confused about how bad this is - saw a message on dh's phone from a female colleague of his saying 'thanks for sharing the taxi - we should probably stop the habit of the goodnight kisses though' with a smiley face. He had been out with work on Friday night - I asked him about it, after getting himself in a complete mess of trying to make excuses he basically admitted that he's kissed her (proper kiss/snog) on about 6 different nights out this year. He promises it hasn't gone any further, said it was just a drunken goodnight thing because they generally share a taxi and doesn't seem to see think that it's that bad.

I'm really upset and angry with him but he's acting like I'm making a huge deal over nothing. I've generally thought that a one off kiss with a stranger would upset me but I could forgive but can't believe he's done this more than once with someone he sees everyday.

Good grief - not only is he snogging someone else that he works with. He also has the audacity to decide how you should feel about it.
Just that alone tells me how self entitled he is.

He needs a shot up the arse to make him realise its not normal , it's not respectful of his marraige or you.

Yes, you have the right to be upset and angry, you have found out your husband has been intimate on a number of occasions with a colleague.

He is also ignorant, it doesn't take sticking the dick in to constitute being unfaithful. He is having a relationship outside his marraige.

Using alcohol as an excuse or 'sharing a taxi' , knob - if he knows what happens when he shares a taxi , don't share the taxi. If he continues to share the taxi - he wants it to happen.
He needs to reset his boundaries to acceptable . Entitled man , making out you are wrong ; when he is do, so, wrong.

Sorry you are having to deal with this.

How would he feel if it were you kissing a colleague?
I would be devastated, the fact that he works with her everyday and there's obviously an attraction between them would make me a nervous wreck.

He needs to see how serious this is, personally I would kick my dh out and demand a job change before I could even think about forgiveness.

As he doesn't think it's a big deal I would be telling her dh too.

I'd be really gutted about this op- his attitude stinks.

Yes, tell him it would be fine then if you repeatedly kissed someone after nights out and then sent flirty, smiley texts?

FWIW, I did forgive a 'one-off'. It always escalates. God I wasted some good years and a chance of happiness with another because I was led to believe I was being unreasonable :(

Twat. He's totally out of order. It's classic behaviour when caught in a lie/ having cheated for the person to blame to try and minimise it. And he's annoyed at your reaction to this revelation? I hope the door doesn't hit him on the arse on the way out.

Because he has obviously hoped it would happen againand made sure that he was in the same pposition repeatedly. As did she.

I think Scarlett has put it really well. I think if it makes you feel that bad, it is that bad. I think I understand why you are so unsure, it is hard to know how you should deal with it as it wasn't sex, it would almost be easier in a way as there is a 'standard' response to that. Obviously in reality it would not be easier of course in the long term.

My DH has/had a tendency to 'omit' things, nothing even that significant but things he thought I may react to, ie lads holidays etc. It made me feel awful so I told him actually how bad it made me feel, he was mortified and pretty devastated. THAT is the reaction you should have expected.

Sorry, if that sounds a bit harsh. I am thinking of you and hope you are as ok as you can be!

I can't compute that a married man thinks it is okay to snog someone who isn't his wife.

You need to contact her, and tell her that you are going to be speaking to her husband as well, and a few work colleagues

watch them shit themselves

OP, my H went for coffees, and then meals, and he kissed her goodbye. They were having sex within weeks of that date.

You need to tell him to leave you alone for a bit, whilst you think about this. Two or three weeks of a laundromat and room in someone else's place might concentrate his mind.

See a solicitor in this time also, letting that sort of info percolate out. If he DISRESPECTS and TAKES FOR GRANTED, then he needs to have a few consequences. Don't whine and hope this will go away OP, believe me on this one.

Very, very bad. Big fat deal breaker and definitely not to be minimised.

I completely disagree with Wellwobbly, I think this is between you and your DH. Regardless of the fact she should not have gone near your husband, it is him who has the responsibility towards you not her at this time, down the line the situation may change and it may be necessary to contact her husband. I think you should concentrate on you and your relationship rather than hers.

Unforgivable, I would say I am going to contact her and their colleagues so I could watch his reaction. I let myself get carried away though so I would be thinking along the lines of - maybe she meant we shouldn't kiss as it leads too more.

I'd just want to shit him up a bit to punish him too. Imagine If his boss found out. It doesn't look good

He's betrayed his vows, your trust and the intimacy of your marriage.

I am another one who would be visiting their work to let OW know what's been going on. Not to cause a scene or a fight but to show her my face and tell her to back the fuck off. I wouldn't involve other colleagues or bosses though.

I agree it's the husband who takes the consequence but what person knowingly kisses another persons husband or wife?! Its disgusting behaviour. I believe we all have a responsibility to respect others relationships, not just our own.

I've no idea what I'd do with my DH but it would not be minimised or forgiven for a long, long time. And I'd tell his Mum (my MIL is fearsome). He won't mind if it's no big deal...

Princess - you are absolutely right, it is disgusting, and I would possibly contact the OW if it was me but like you say not other colleagues and I wouldn't tell the OWs husband. We also don't know anything about the OWs relationship at all.

I think I would probably also tell DHs family as I know they would be livid with him!

I will admit to having once kissed a friend drunkenly at the beginning of mine and DHs relationship and I never told him. But I felt awful and literally never saw this friend again. I think the issue

Is that it happened more than once. I don't know what I'd do but I'd probably at least make him suffer before any kind of forgiveness. This is a big deal.

There's a massive difference between one misguided snog that horrifies the person who then takes steps to break off contact, and this, which is a repeated (and probably much anticipated) act.

I would definitely see it as a betrayal. I don't know if I would see it as an utter deal breaker, though. I'd need to explore why it was done, a great deal more about the whole circumstances ofthis relationship, how he gave himself "permission" to keep doing it etc, and also reach an opinion on true level of remorse and willingness/ability to recommit.

The problem is I don't think I could get past the fact I know they will see each other regularly so I would struggle to trust him even if he promised it wouldn't happen again. I think meditrina makes some really good points, it all depends on so many variables, I think this would be the same for any kind of cheating though for some people.

Do you think you could do this eventually?

I flipped out (and created a thread) after my DH shared just one kiss with a female colleague. This is about 100 times worse. Dealbreaker.

I flipped out (and created a thread) after my DH shared just one kiss with a female colleague. This is about 100 times worse. Dealbreaker.

You are allowed to feel however you do feel about any kind of infidelity.

What is particularly bad is that your dh is minimising and feeling he has the right to control your feelings, or trying to.

Like I say, there is no such thing as generally unacceptable behaviour, what there is is behaviour that is unacceptable to you so you be true to your feelings about it, not what anyone else feels you should feel.

Why don't you tell your H that you've got the number of the OW's husband and you're going to give him a call to discuss the snogs his wife and H have been sharing, as if it's not a big deal that won't cause any problems will it?

Then tell him to pack a bag and f*ck off to her. No way he should be off having physical encounters with another woman and then coming back to your bed, you deserve better than that.

He thinks its ok. He keeps putting himself in the position for it to happen again. As does she. I'd say he's hoping for it to escalate.

What a knob. Everything is wrong with the situation.

This thread is a decade old 😬

I've done this before and not realised so just letting you know!