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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dh confessed he kissed another girl way back before we were married

26 replies

middleclassdystopia · 15/09/2013 13:47

About 15 years ago my dh and I shared a flat with another couple with whom we were close friends. We were very young, stupid, drank too much etc.

At the time I suspected flirting between my bf and my friend but never challenged it. One night we all had a big fight, drink fuelled and over something unrelated. We moved out, went our seperate ways and have never really been in touch since. My bf and I got married settled down and I heard on the grapevine so did they.

The other night, they came up randomly and I don't know why but I asked dh if anything had happened between him and friend. He confessed they had snogged once on a very drunken night but both felt horrified at what they'd done. I think the resulting tension led to that fight.

My dh was very remorseful, blamed youth and stupidity. He hadn't told me as he didn't want to hurt me but couldn't lie when I asked outright.

My dh has been a loving and faithful man for the last ten years. We haven't heard from or seen the couple for nearly 15.

I just don't know what to feel. Life has moved on. We do make mistakes in our youth but I am angry that my friend at the time snogged my bf and cheated on her own bf.

How would you feel?

OP posts:

MushroomSoup · 15/09/2013 13:49

I think tbh I would be shocked - hurt - but after that I wouldn't give it another thought.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2013 13:49

I'd be annoyed & I'd hope he was telling me the full story but, having snogged plenty of inappropriate people in my time, I think it's a mistake that 15 years of good behaviour should offset.

flipchart · 15/09/2013 13:50

I've been through similar.
Just felt 'Oh! I didn't know that!'

Like you said life has long moved on.
It looks like he is a good husband and you are happy together. Don't let this spoil your life together.
Let it go.

TobyLerone · 15/09/2013 13:51

Pretty sure I'd be unable to summon the energy to give a toss about something from that long ago.

Original poster

middleclassdystopia · 15/09/2013 13:53

Yup you're right. Need to move on.

OP posts:

StarlightMcKenzie · 15/09/2013 13:55

Oh God. That is nothing.

It was something then, but if you found out then, it would by now be nothing. I think the fact that your DH kept it for you for so long shows how he both preferred to live with the guilt rather than hurt you (many 'tellings' are either to alleviate own guilt, or dramatize events in order to get other half to break up with them to avoid being blamed for it), and how insignificant it was.

I'd be annoyed, and demand an expensive apology meal/present/weekend in a posh hotel on my own or with a friend and then forget about it quickly.

stemstitch · 15/09/2013 13:55

It was only a snog and it was ages ago. I would be miffed for a bit then forget about it.

Original poster

middleclassdystopia · 15/09/2013 14:00

He's apologised. Said him and the girl were merely being vain and flattered by the attention. He knows she wanted to stay with her boyfriend and he wanted me. He's sad we all fell out but it was probably best we all went our own ways.

OP posts:

meditrina · 15/09/2013 14:00

I think it would hurt - it may be 15 years ago for him, but discovery was only the other night for you. But you can set against this what sort of man he's been since then, which should make it much easier to leave it in the past once you've had a bit of time to process this new information.

Original poster

middleclassdystopia · 15/09/2013 14:05

He's been a good dh. We are soul mates. I know he's never cheated since because we mostly do things as a couple. Will process and try to forget

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 15/09/2013 14:08

I would be a bit pissed off with him but would let it go.

flipchart · 15/09/2013 14:09

I'd be annoyed, and demand an expensive apology meal/present/weekend in a posh hotel on my own or with a friend and then forget about it quickly

Are you for real or can your feelings always be bought so easily?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/09/2013 14:14

I don't know how I would feel about this.

I suspect, not very much at all.

It was years ago, it was a drunken snog. They both regretted it and were just being gobshites.

Are you glad you know now?

I mean, it's something you can tease him about if he's being an arse about something. :o

You sound more angry with your ex-friend than with your DH.

Are you still sore about the whole break up of the gang? It seems a shame to lose touch with such good friends over one fight.

But I guess it's too late to go back now.

StarlightMcKenzie · 15/09/2013 14:14

My feelings wouldn't be bought, don't be so crass. It would bother me for about a minute regardless of 'treat'.

Treat is the bonus for my not having snogged pre-marriage! He got his kicks then, I want mine now. Only fair.

Original poster

middleclassdystopia · 15/09/2013 14:20

It's too late to go back now. She was a good friend, but yes I feel angry at her more than anyone. Why I wonder? I suppose I should forgive her, she was quite insecure at times I remember that. And very pretty

OP posts:

LaLaLeBouef · 15/09/2013 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TobyLerone · 15/09/2013 14:37

Demanding a treat is, IMO, childish, grabby and ridiculous. But some peoples' relationships work like that, I suppose...

shrinkingnora · 15/09/2013 14:41

Hang on, this was fifteen years ago and he's been a loving and faithful man for the last ten years. What happened ten years go?

blueshoes · 15/09/2013 14:45

Wouldn't you feel at least as angry with your dh as your friend? She is not the keeper of your then bf/now dh's morals.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/09/2013 15:39

"Wouldn't you feel at least as angry with your dh as your friend?"

No, because she fell out with the friend soon after this event.

But she's had a decade of happy times with him where he's more than made up for a stupid drunken snog.

The feelings now aren't really rational, they're just emotions from years ago bubbling back up because of this reveal.

GillyBillyWilly · 15/09/2013 15:42

Don't think any more about it. Old news.... Doesn't matter... It's done. Forget it.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 15/09/2013 16:09

I think I would be a bit miffed, but its not something that would affect my current relationship.

DisneyDiva87 · 15/09/2013 16:15

I found out about 6 months ago that a few years ago my OH had snogged the wife of the couple we were renting from (granny flat off their house). It was a shock and I didn't really know how to feel about it at the time. What helped was how upset OH was about it, I knew it was a drunken mistake from just getting too emotionally close to someone else. But if he had acted like it was nothing then it wouldn't have been so easy to forgive him. We still see the woman he kissed as well as we are really close to her and her 2 kids I just put it out of my mind as I would lose more if I made a big deal out of it.

You are allowed to be upset while you process this and yes hubby should spoil you to make up for his mistake so fancy dinners etc are on the cards. You shouldn't let a kiss 15 years ago ruin what you have now though

BishBashBoshBoo · 15/09/2013 16:24

I think I would be upset for a little while and I'd definitely want to check and be sure it had never happened again. So I'd need a bit of time to process it all.

But I'm sure I would just put it down to being young, stupid and drunk.

What you have now sounds really good and that's what matters.

BishBashBoshBoo · 15/09/2013 16:25

The thing that would bother me most was how he had managed to keep a secret like that from me for so long.
I hate secrets. It might make me question what else he has kept from me tbh.

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