Partner cheated on holiday ... with a prostitute.

[Meez41]

Completely confused and dont know what do to. Partner of six years payed for oral sex whilst abroad. Only reason I found out is he used joint bank account and suss transactions were traced to a parlour. First instance he denied it. Various excuses etc. Then came clean a week ago. Our relationship has been strained for various reasons since birth of daughter 3 years ago. Relocation. Redundancy. Low income etc. Now this. I am 100s of miles away from my family friends so feel pretty rapped. Last week spent pretending all ok infront of everyone. Just gotten daughter settled into a good nursery and ive just gotten into college. Ive said I dont think I can get over this and feel I need to be with my family ...he threatened me with taking me to court so he can have my daughter as I wasnt moving away with her. Im scared. Confused and trapped. I dont want to be the bad bi+ch splitting up the family :(
!advice please

Your dd would be fine if you had to move and unless he has been a hands on dad is unlikely to get sole custody, is he named on birth certificate. Remember he did this (was it a family holiday?) please don't listen to his threats and get some rl support. Many solicitors will give a free half hour of advice.

You're not the bad bitch. He takes that honour. So he's caught with a prostitute and his response is to threaten you. Has he showed any remorse or offered to give you any space? Tell someone in RL, pack his bags and deal with this on your terms. Sending you strength op. How awful for you. I would also get yourself checked over.

Empty threats! And YOU are not splitting up the family. He did thi., so please do not feel guilty for his actions.

I would take your DD, go be with your family for a while, tell them the horrible truth and then get some legal advice on what you can & can't do, what your responsibilities are and what your rights are. He's going to get a rude shock if he thinks he has any legal control over your life.

As others say, you're not the 'bad bitch' splitting up the family, he is 'sad bastard' (not to mention stupid for being so easily found out) that was prepared to throw away a really nice life for the sake of a few minutes with a hooker.

Ive said I dont think I can get over this and feel I need to be with my family ...he threatened me with taking me to court so he can have my daughter as I wasnt moving away with her.

You're on a low income and he's wasting money on abusing another woman and cheating on you? That's betrayal on every possible front, and then the shit threatens to take your baby if you leave him over it? You'd think I was past being amazed by how horrible people can be, after so long on MN. Seems not. Fortunately, he's full of shit and the threat is empty.

There's no legal aid for family cases anymore unless there is recorded domestic violence (and then only for the victim of it), so he couldn't take you to court that easily for a start. It costs thousands and thousands to litigate. Secondly, a court won't stop you moving (inside the country, obviously - you can't go overseas very easily) closer to your family to access support to bring up your dd, when you've been primary carer, are isolated in a new place, and the relationship has broken down so painfully. They do stop people moving if the only reason they want to do it is to make contact difficult or impossible, but not where the move is for genuine and reasonable reasons. And even then, all they do is stop someone moving. They don't take the child away from the parent who wanted to go, if that parent was the main carer. He's a shit and trying to scare you into accepting his horrible behaviour. He's trying to bully you - does he do that a lot? Make threats and try to overpower you so he gets his own way?

The primary carer before the split will almost always be the parent with primary care after the split. The fact he's threatening to take your daughter away because HE cheated with a prostitute, to stop you leaving... honestly, it's the best evidence you could ever have that you're doing the right thing in leaving.

I'd call your parents and ask if one of them can come and collect you when he's at work, frankly. Just leave. Then you can set about building your life in your home town again and he's presented with a fait accompli. It takes a while to get to court even if he did go for that option - they expect you to try mediation first, and then the appointment in court takes weeks to come through, by which time you'd be good and settled. Obviously your dd needs regular contact with her father but that's his responsibility to sort out. All you need to do is make her available for the agreed times. And as soon as you're at your mum and dad's, I'd call a couple of local solicitors and ask for a free initial appointment to talk about your position, so you know exactly where you stand legally.

He chose to put his dick in the mouth of another woman and paid for the priviledge

You're certainly not the one to blame if your family gets split up because of this. Why would you think his words and threats hold any value with regard to your Dd in a court? - HE risked and potentially ended his relationship and his family unit - you didn't. And unless you were relocating to say Mars or somewhere then I don't see your relocation with Dd being a problem so long as he has access.
Even if you don't know what to do at the moment, I suggest thinking about a visit to your family to give you head space and to think about the future, like perfectstorm said above - go when he's at work so he can't try to stop you.

Take care

If it were me I'd grab DD, get on a plane and leave with her.

I've seen firsthand what happens when a partner who lives abroad forcibly takes custody of a child from the mother. I would never, ever put myself in that position. If he could even threaten such a thing - especially after what he's done - I would run. Seriously, run.

Ps) This is probably illegal and technically child abduction, just FYI.

I'm sorry to have to say this, but just because this is the first time you have found out doesn't mean it's the first time he has done it.

Leave with your DD, find somewhere safe, and get the tests done.
Good luck!

How are you doing, OP?

Tjanks everyone. Yes I am im the uk. He is named on birth cert. Theres been a major twist this p.m.
he told me that nothing actually happened with these women. ( head wrecked even further). Things haven't exactly been great with us. Havent had much intimacy over the ueats since birth. Initially due to birth trauma...etc. then other stress factors ( this was one reason why he said a week ago he did it). Now...I dont know what to think. Major meltdown in car today ( when he chose to tell me which resulted in me actually scaring myself...screaming to stop tje car etc). The last week I feel ive handled well. Calm. Mature. But felt I was sort of being " blamed" for his actions. Above and beyond this...there was a large sum on money in total spent usimg atms for cash withdrawls. ..money we didnt have resulting in his parents having to bail us out. I was under impression hebhad told his parents everything but afyer talking with his mum today ...she had no idea he had told me earlier in week what he " supposidly" done. She says he swore to her " nothing " happened.

What a big mess. Dont know what to think / do / believe but do know I didnt like how I was pushed to react.
forgive me...im not sure what tje abbreviations mean amd apologies for spelling. Major shaky hands. Xx

Ps...if relocating itd be within UK x

I'm sorry, truly, but there is no way on this earth nothing happened, not given the facts (his card, the place it was spent) and least of all not given he admitted it to you. Even to the detail of "just" oral sex, rather than fullblown. Nobody would invent that to be worse than it was, not with a bill proving the card had been used in a brothel. No way on this earth. He's realised you are likely to leave, knows his threat of stealing your baby is totally empty, and is frantically back-pedalling instead... without, I may add, the least concern for your mental health.

Do you know - as in, were there, saw it happen; not just what he told you - what those large cash withdrawals were spent on? Because you're aware, if you weren't there and didn't witness it. that they could well have gone on more prostitutes? And he took large sums of money from his parents while lying to them about what it was for?

Please, please take your baby and go and stay with your parents while you work this through in your own mind. He is playing with your head.

Can I ask where this trip abroad was? And why he went?

Let's assume he's telling the truth and nothing happened (which I don't believe for one minute). He took family money you don't have, gave it to a prostitute with the intention of something happening. I'm not sure that is a significant improvement on his original story (not to mention clearly being utter shite).

I would never stay with a man that used prostitutes, in whatever capacity

if this is what your previous boundary was, why would you change it now

find a way to get free of him

men who use prostitutes hate women, that is the bottom line

he will not get sole custody of your dd

did you save the proof you found

I suggest you do what the fuck you like, and if he bleats about "taking your dd away" tell him you will blow this wide fucking open

i would not be able to forgive him and i would never be able to trust him. seek legal advice asap.

Get tested for STIs

Everyone who says he is the one who broke up the family is right. He chose to spend FAMILY money on seedy sexual kicks for himself - men who use prostitutes hate women, they don't see them as real people. Do you really want this kind of man bringing up your DD?

The fact that he was stupid enough for the money to be taken fom the joint account would indicate that he hasn't done this before.

Was he on a lads holiday? Where was he?

Yes. Lads holiday/ 3 days.(because as a family we couldnt afford to go abroad ...i thought i was pretty reasonable even " allowing" this. He went to Spain. A well known lads holiday destination. I just dont know what to believe as now telling me yes he was ok n the establishment. ..but he didnt visit a girl. The money was drinks. I thought I had the truth and was dealing with that..making arrangements. But now....god knows.

He is playing nasty games with you. Sorry but eh doesn't sound very pleasant at all and bordering emotionally abusive and manipulative now that he realises what may be at stake. He had intent , even if nothing occurred and is unreliable with money.

Yes...he went away. Took a small sum of cash sufficient for the duration. Arrived back on the sunday. I checked bank on monday to record our books. Notice how far overdrawn so check closely. Notice two transactions with a shady name. Phone bank they trace merchant code amd confirm type of establishment. The day spent lying chopping changing and that night told me bj. Spent whole week digesting this. Then yest told me yes he was in that establishment (im assuming thered be bar girla and lap dancers too). ..but the money was spent on alcohol. He told me he had seen a prostitute because he wasnt getting much from me so no wonder. If I had agreed to fam hol it " wouldnt have happened". Told hos mum he said what he said re bj thinking it would make us talk / sort things out. She believes him.
Yes I do feel manipulated. .not first time. Belittled. And yes sort of thinking mentally abused.

Right, stop torturing yourself - he cheated. You know this. So park it. He's a complete shit - you also know this, not only from what he did but also from how he's treated you since it blew up. Take your daughter away? Wow. Repellent pig.

Here's what will actually happen if you leave and he decides he's going to 'take your daughter.'

You would pack your stuff and go to your mum's with your DD, leaving a satisfyingly FUCK YOU note which makes it 100% clear that the belittling, abusing, and the CHEATING are over, and he can spend his time washing his own pants and thinking of ever more inventive ways to convince Mummy that he's a good little boy really.

You get settled, find yourself a flat/get sorted with your parents, get daughter into preschool, start applying for jobs. All could be kicked off within a day or two of you leaving, all of which embeds you in the place you have moved to, and gets your daughter settled in ways which a very strong case would need to be made to overturn.

He would take at least this long and more to even get a couple of appointments for legal advice. Meanwhile, he can do NOTHING. You contact him to let him know that you are happy to arrange contact through e.g. your mum, but you don't want to see him. You would not have to take daughter to him- you would state in writing that you believe that he might try and prevent her leaving, so you offer that either he comes to you and sees daughter in presence of your family OR he arranges a contact centre himself. All this would be explanable in court, as he has made threats to remove her from your care. He rants and raves - you reply calmly 'Take it to the court.'

A decent time would pass before any court date came up. By then, you and DD would be settled.

He would never in a million years then get the result he would want. Your case would be that after the relationship broke down - and I'm sure he would enjoy the court hearing why - you, as primary carer, had no choice to move to where you had financial and emotional support to care for your DD while being able to continue working. You would by then hopefully have a job, a home, and DD would be either in preschool or have her name down for one.

So, if I were you I would leave without a thought. This man is a pig - a prostitute using, lying, abusive pig. He isn't going to get better, you aren't happy with him, your daughter certainly won't have the life you want her to have. Better a happy separated home than one full of resentment, hatred and growing up seeing one parent bully and disrespect the other.

Leave!