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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Well what a cliche - just found out DH has cheated

38 replies

onehitwonder · 14/09/2013 23:33

Married 15 years and last week found out about a Facebook 'flirtation' which had been going on for a few months with a younger women. So he swore blind nothing happened - broke it off visibily for me to see and said he had just been foolish, didn't realise how it looked etc until he re read the messages. But.....but I know from some snooping (yes I know what did I expect to find?) that he has form for this sort of thing (overly friendly messages with women) which I have always chosen to ignore as I trusted him so completely and utterly. Having nosed around the emotional affairs threads on here, I came across the spotlight function on I Phones and thought I would take a look at any old messages I could access (thinking I might find some more from younger women). Instead I found 'sexts' from him to a female aquaintance which were pretty explicit and when confronted he has admitted sex with her twice. Claims it all finished at least a year ago. Didn't love her, just sex - blah blah blah. So essentially my world as I know it is over. We have 2 DC 8 and 4 and he is SAHD to them. They are both sound asleep and I just keep seeing their happy little faces and wondering how the hell I can keep them happy in this situation. Don't know what I want, my marriage with DH has always been based on my perception of him as 100% trustworthy, good guy etc and that is gone and for what? A couple of meaningless shags. He is contrite making no excuses and taking everything I am throwing at him verbally but he isn't the person I believed he was and I feel like everything we have done together over the last 2 years has been a lie. Meeting a close friend tomorrow just to try and talk and get my head straight. I don't want to throw him out, I don't want to turn my childrens worlds upside down and I don't want to be alone but really can we get through this? Any advice or support much appreciated.

OP posts:
emsiepoops · 14/09/2013 23:40

I think from your post you are leaning more to wanting to get through this. If you really want it you can but it won't be easy! Speaking slightly from experience.

You might forgive and forget so to speak, but you won't ever forget and it will pop up in your head when you least expect it and just boggle your mind thinking about if she really meant nothing and all that blahhh.

It IS possible though Smile

Original poster
onehitwonder · 14/09/2013 23:41

And now he is snoring in the next door bedroom - fell asleep in 5 minutes (he is obviously deeply disturbed by all of this)

OP posts:
Mumfun · 14/09/2013 23:43

So sorry it is awful. Been there. Get support. I would get him to sleep in spare room or sofa (if you didnt have young children to upset I would have said to get him to move out.)

You need time and space to decide what to do. He must give you that. If you decide you want to continue the marriage he must work his arse off in making up to you, going to counselling and taking responsibility for his behaviour. The book Just Good Friends by Shirley Glass is useful -also some of the American sites like Infidelity.com

Original poster
onehitwonder · 14/09/2013 23:50

Yes he can sleep in another room. I pretty much think he will do anything I ask him to do, I have already told him I want open access to email account, phonebill, facebook messages etc. Also made a quick call to OW to say I knew and if I ever saw or heard of her anywhere near DH again (his part time job means he is out in public and easily accessible at least once a week), the evidence I have on DH's phone would be used (she is married with 1 DC). I always thought she was smug and condescending to me on the thankfully rare occassions I met her - and of course now I know why. I am so furious with DH for giving her that power and making me feel like such a niave trusting fool. Any tips on how to sleep tonight also appreciated so I can somehow get up and make it through tomorrow.

OP posts:
Distrustinggirlnow · 14/09/2013 23:54

What a horrible shock for you OP. sadly in these circumstances they only admit to what they think they can get away with. Please be prepared for more revelations either with this ow or another one or more

I can't believe he's just fallen asleep like that Angry he should be prepared to stay up all night talking this through. Unless its just his way of avoiding you.....

I think you need him to move out for a while to give you some space to decide what you want to do.

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir · 15/09/2013 00:06

I've just had a similar thing, so if you want to talk, let me know.

Original poster
onehitwonder · 15/09/2013 00:11

I went to bed first as was tired of talking but yes pretty astonished he just feel asleep. Oh well he can look after the kids in the morning as I am pretty sure I won't be getting much sleep. I have arranged to take the kids to a good friends tomorrow so that they can play and I can have a talk with her to try and get my head straight. I don't feel the need to punish DH as such, because I think he is currently scared witless (well apart from the falling asleep!) of losing me and the kids. Kids are so small I don't want him to move out because I just don't know what that would do to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
onehitwonder · 15/09/2013 00:13

Thanks all going to try and sleep now. Mumsnetters have seen me through some tough times when kids were small and seems it will do so again. x

OP posts:
Clichecliche · 15/09/2013 00:13

I've always lurked a bit on here and noticed a fair few threads with cheaters but there must be about 4 of discoveries made in past 24-48 hours. I guess that's probably typical
Includes my own :(

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 15/09/2013 00:14

In terms of sleeping, put a film you know and like on and just let yourself drift when you're ready. Hope you feel stronger in the morning.

Clichecliche · 15/09/2013 00:15

My DH slept last night after he partially admitted it and is out for the count again tonight with no difficulty
I'm surfing the net in an ever more desperate attempt to gain wisdom and although I managed about 1 hour last night and nothing all day today I'm wide bloody awake
Hope you sleep one hit wonder

iloveweetos · 15/09/2013 00:17

Relaxing music to help you sleep (I hope) hard to empty your mind though x

Leavenheath · 15/09/2013 00:36

Leave the children with him while you talk to your friend. Very sorry this has happened to you.

I've seen lots of threads like this where the one who's thrown the grenade into the family is sleeping like a well-fed baby, while the innocent party can't sleep and is desperate for someone else to say it will be alright.

I've always thought it mirrors what has gone before, as regards the sheer selfishness of affairs. Staying up and losing a bit of sleep is such a small price to pay, even if it's just to be with the person who's hurting so much.
I also think they bugger off to bed so that they've got thinking time to get their stories straight or forensically cleanse their phones.

Hope you get some sleep too.

Original poster
onehitwonder · 15/09/2013 00:45

sorry to hear that Clichecliche. So hard to switch off, was bad enought last week when I just thought he had been flirting like an old fool. Supposed to be travelling for work twice in the next month, got both sets of parents up to visit in the next few weeks for a DC related event (so very hard to cancel as will break their hearts). What the actual fuck am I going to do? Oh yes and due to start pretty intensive part time study next tuesday - not sure I will have the head space for that (but work have paid, so may just have to bite the bullet) perhaps it will give me something to focus on outside the wreck of my marriage?

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 15/09/2013 01:13

So the facebook flirtation you uncovered last week was with a different woman to the one he's had an affair with?

If you say he's always sent overly friendly messages to other women, don't you think it's most likely that he's had more than one affair?

Original poster
onehitwonder · 15/09/2013 01:28

I have pushed him on this - told him this is his chance to come clean and anything else needs telling now. He swears this is it. I am going to access his phonebills tomorrow if I can - I have told him this. I want to trust that he is now at least being honest but of course I am asking myself how I can trust that this is the only time - lord knows he has had enough opportunity when DS has been at nursery, when I have been travelling etc. What I find so unbelievable is how a man who loves his chlidren so much could have risked their happiness for so little and I have told him this tonight. Gah and with such an awful women seriously, face like a horse too (sorry for being juvenile but would almost have understood it more had it been the younger women). As he is a SAHD I have been very accepting of him having female friends as naturally that tends to be who he is meeting at school gates etc. Even paid for DS to go to nursery a few days a week to give him a break - or as I know now - a chance to cheat on me.

OP posts:
Tash28 · 15/09/2013 01:55

Just wanted to comment with words of support, stay strong. Your children will be happy so long as you are, he sounds like a complete tit and personally I think you deserve better, especially if another stab in the heart is who it was with on top of the act itself. That said, may well be that this scares him into never repeating being a disloyal, weak willed twat again.

X

Leavenheath · 15/09/2013 02:01

So were the two women different people then?

How does he know them?

AlbertaCampion · 15/09/2013 02:34

I would tread carefully: if you are the breadwinner and he is a stay-at-home parent, a divorce wouldn't necessarily end with you staying in the marital home with primary care of your DC. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer.

Original poster
onehitwonder · 15/09/2013 03:23

Yes that has crossed my mind. Nightmare scenario, I basically support us, but certainly don't earn enough to support 2 households and would rather die than leave my children. What a mess.

DH has a very socialble part time job which is how he met both these women. He has always had this job, I have always trusted him but the reality is he could be out at night with no suspicion from me, although could have checked up on him had I wanted to. Have managed about half hours sleep so far tonight - work is going to be fun on Monday.

OP posts:
Earthymama · 15/09/2013 03:49

So sorry you are in this place, sending some Cwtches your way.

Re work; you might to take a few days off as you will be experiencing so many things all at once.

Be kind to yourself x

Clichecliche · 15/09/2013 07:58

Are you me one hit wonder? Sahd who I've given time off so he can fuck someone else
How stupid do I feel?
One reason I'm working at things is that if things change in my and his work terms and our youngest gets a bit older I have a greater chance of retaining full custody
It's terrifying though
X

Original poster
onehitwonder · 15/09/2013 08:23

Yes sounds really similar Cliche, I read your thread. Feeling such a fool too. In my case I think it ended more than a year ago but in a way that just makes me feel like the last year has been a lie, it has tainted everything - the lovely holiday we had this summer, all the memories of the 4 of us having fun, right up to yesterday evening when I found the texts.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/09/2013 08:27

I think it's time to pull the rug on the SAHD arrangement.

No chance would I be happy to continue financially supporting a spouse who was shagging around while I was working to pay all the bills.

Tell him to go and get a job.

Looksgoodingravy · 15/09/2013 10:04

Expect to find out more op Sad

I've been where you are and it's hell. It's good you have RL support, I found this invaluable to my sanity.

I'm still with dp 18 months on. It can work but it isn't easy.

You will be in the shell shocked stage at the moment and expect to go through every emotion at the flick of a switch.

Don't make any decisions about your future at the moment. You will be in a fog like existence and until that lifts you won't see clearly how you see yourself in the future.

Most importantly is the way your dh responds to this. He is possibly minimising, you may find out more in the coming weeks. At the moment he sounds remorseful but be careful as those tears might well be for himself. Remember how selfish he's been, he's been caught out, now he has to suffer the consequences.

Hysterical bonding - read up on this. If you stay together this may well happen. It's temporary.

Have you been recommended the book by Shirley Glass - Just 'Good Friends' - worth getting whether you plan on staying together or not. For your dh to read too.

I don't think a ate or slept for over a week. Your body is possibly running on adrenaline right now. Be kind to yourself. Let your dh look after the dc while you meet your RL friends who can support you and just let you talk it through.

I've guessed at the part time job your dh does. I think this all needs to change now doesn't it and he needs to join the adult world, there's no reason why he can't work in the day now is there? These are some immediate changes I would insist on.

Take care OP. sorry for the mish mash of information.