Well what a cliche - just found out DH has cheated

[onehitwonder]

Married 15 years and last week found out about a Facebook 'flirtation' which had been going on for a few months with a younger women. So he swore blind nothing happened - broke it off visibily for me to see and said he had just been foolish, didn't realise how it looked etc until he re read the messages. But.....but I know from some snooping (yes I know what did I expect to find?) that he has form for this sort of thing (overly friendly messages with women) which I have always chosen to ignore as I trusted him so completely and utterly. Having nosed around the emotional affairs threads on here, I came across the spotlight function on I Phones and thought I would take a look at any old messages I could access (thinking I might find some more from younger women). Instead I found 'sexts' from him to a female aquaintance which were pretty explicit and when confronted he has admitted sex with her twice. Claims it all finished at least a year ago. Didn't love her, just sex - blah blah blah. So essentially my world as I know it is over. We have 2 DC 8 and 4 and he is SAHD to them. They are both sound asleep and I just keep seeing their happy little faces and wondering how the hell I can keep them happy in this situation. Don't know what I want, my marriage with DH has always been based on my perception of him as 100% trustworthy, good guy etc and that is gone and for what? A couple of meaningless shags. He is contrite making no excuses and taking everything I am throwing at him verbally but he isn't the person I believed he was and I feel like everything we have done together over the last 2 years has been a lie. Meeting a close friend tomorrow just to try and talk and get my head straight. I don't want to throw him out, I don't want to turn my childrens worlds upside down and I don't want to be alone but really can we get through this? Any advice or support much appreciated.

Yes dont make any hasty decisions. Also do keep busy -it really helps

Updating to say that I have survived the week. DH and I have spent pretty much every evening talking and talking. He has basically said that he has become someone he would have laughed at and despised a few years ago. Allowed his ego to make it OK to have these relationships and yes of course minimised them. I have laid on the line stuff I have been holding in for a long time, how basically I think he has become lazy, where I am going out to work everyday, he has done the very bare minimum at home, kept an eye on DS (on the 3 days he wasn't in nursery), well half an eye as he was on the internet and texting etc a LOT and not really much else. That he needs to become an equal partner in the marriage, in effort and contribution. He has offered no excuses and so far seems to want to change.

Good or bad I am not sure that there was much of an emotional connection with the OW, it really was as I have seen it described elsewhere 'ego kibbles' - he has never had great self estime and I think this was all a great big ego stroke for him - hah! Misfired big time as he now thinks he is a total shit. I am pretty sure that I am in shock, since the weekend and up until last night I have felt sad and weird, but unable to really get angry. As he is living here and we have the kids to deal with, I have been trying to behave 'normally' in the daytime, but have let him know that this doesn't mean things are normal - just how I am dealing with it for the kids. Last night I let rip at him and asked how he plans to stay faithful in future if he didn't plan to shag OW until she jumped him - give that he thinks having text or FB 'friendships' is OK? I explained to him that conducting any friendship in secret is basically leaving him open to infidelity and that if he can't see that then we have no chance - and I think the penny dropped. So no more minimising. He has completely upped his game at home and despite being in a lot of pain currently due to an ongoing issue with his back, has done a lot of 'jobs' which have been hanging around for ages - makes me sad how pleased this makes me. Was cathartic to be honest with him - shame it took this to do so. Not blaming myself but due to my upbringing I avoid confrontation and have let a lot of stuff ride, that I should have dealt with a long time ago - not anymore. Sorry this is so long, just helps to write it down. I have also been able to access some telephone counselling for both myself and him (via work) - he has talked to someone and so have I. If we want it there is also individual or couples counselling available but not sure what will be most beneficial at the moment, so not rushing into anything. OW (shag) had unfriended him by Sunday morning and from any related groups. I hope to god I never have to see her again. Last time I was somewhere she was I am pretty sure she went off with some bloke (not her husband) at at the end of the night. From everything DH has said (backed up by what I can see on his email their relationship finished about 20 months ago, but looks like she continues to cheat with others. I have made no decisions about us yet, if DH comes good on what he is saying/doing then I think we have a chance but time will tell.

Hope you are able to find a way forward OP. For what it's worth I agree with JYP that it would be better to shift him out out of the SAHD role. From what you've said both kids will be in school within a year now anyway so I would look at putting DS into full time nursery - this could also be presented as a getting ready for school measure - and your husband can get a different, full time job to keep him busy. That also re balances the situation with the kids and who is caring for them should this not all work out further down the line.

What more could he do to belittle you? To show you he doesn't care?

OP you mention in your first post that he 'has form' with this kind of thing. Yet you also say your perception of him is of 100 pc trustworthy. Which is it?
Personally i think you are sweeping all this under the carpet a bit. All he seems to be doing is keeping his head down, acting a bit contrite and going along with some telephone counselling - erm, why?? - and that's it, he has served his time. The guy shagged somebody else while you were out working, supporting him and the kids. Who knows what he has been up to? given that it took you rumbling him to find out. He will do it again, guaranteed.

onehitwonder and clichecliche just wanted to say thinking of you both. I had a thread on here too earlier this week after finding sex talk emails in the family computer between DH and a woman from Facebook (he'd met her and things had happened between then, though not full blown sex). He also had exchanged email sexual fantasies with a work colleague last year.

Since all this happened, it sounds as if our DH are at the same point. He is incredibly remorseful and nothing is too much bother. He has seen the kids a couple of times, insisting that I pamper myself, spend as much time as I want to have 'me time'. He also wants counseling to work out why he did this.

To be honest I'm still shell shocked, not sure what to think and don't want to spend my life not trusting him. But think I should at least try and see if we can get past this...just wanted to say we sound as if our lives are in the same place now

Ok at face like a horse. At least make it worhwhile h! Did she reply she you told her to fuck off?

My h sleeps when stressed so don't read too much into that.
Ages he needs a job but don't think that will stop him straying again. Do you get time to go out together ?

Lol at horse. Not ok

I'm not sure about pushing him back to full time work, surely the children's needs should come first and if they are used to a parent working part time it would be good if it could continue. I do think that if he has not been caring for them properly due to all the texting that's another matter but I often see mums distracted from their children as they are texting etc. and no one seems to say they need to get back to full-time work.

I know lots of fantastic SAHDs and none of them has ever behaved like this, in fact I would say SAHDs and those working PT are less likely to behave like this than those working FT.

"in fact I would say SAHDs and those working PT are less likely to behave like this than those working FT."

Who cares what other SAHDs would do.

This one has been cheating.

If the marriage fails, this louse would get to keep the kids and the OP would have to financially support him.

Only a mug would continue the current arrangement knowing that the spouse they are working to support is fucking around behind their back.

"if they are used to a parent working part time it would be good if it could continue."

Why?

My kids were used to me working part time.

Then I got a job.

Now they are used to me working full time.

Kids adapt to their parents working patterns changing.

JYP is right to think about the worst case scenario. The OP leaves herself open to her kidsbeing resident with a dad who fills his days with casual sex while she works to pay for him to carry on that lifestyle. As I said, the younger child will be in school in a year so is not that far off being away from both parents all day anyway. He has misused his time. I wouldn't support it continuing that way.

I'd be taking the pragmatic approach and getting him into FT work so if I did decide to leave, then financially it would be easier to do so.