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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found my OH's profile on match.com

39 replies

Discoverymade · 14/09/2013 23:23

WWYD? We've been together for a couple of years now, we have DS. We've had our ups and downs. No sex life since DS was born (screaming newborn). We actually met through match.com and tonight something possessed me to register again and check.. And he's still there. Active last week. Updated his relationship status from separated (he was when we met) to divorced (it all dragged up until just a few months ago), which just confirms to me that he's actually been on the website and changed his details. Should I confront him? Or play his game, start an online flirt and see what he does? I'm still in shock.

OP posts:
Tailz · 14/09/2013 23:28

Gosh that's awful must've been an enormous shock. Personally, I would leave. I wouldn't waste time flirting with him on-line or looking for more evidence, there's no point. You probably will never get the full story even if you do confront him and you'll never trust him again.

He has no right re registering on there.

Please don't waste your time - take yourself and your baby and move on (kick him out)

emsiepoops · 14/09/2013 23:29

I'd probably watch it for a bit, see when he's active. And probably set up a fake profile to see how he reacts? I don't know though! I really think I'd want to play his game but I think I'd just confront him without thinking! Hope you're okay?!

Trigglesx · 14/09/2013 23:29

Don't play games. Be upfront with him or just cut your losses IMO.

purplewithred · 14/09/2013 23:30

Confront.

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 14/09/2013 23:33

I would gather more evidence but that's just me.

If you can get into his emails check the sent folders. People trip themselves up on there. They delete inbox and forget about sent.

Original poster
Discoverymade · 14/09/2013 23:34

Thank you. I will confront him tomorrow I think. At the moment I'm just speechless. And breathless. And numb. I do sound like a proper drama queen, I know.

OP posts:
Tailz · 14/09/2013 23:38

No, you're not a drama queen. It feels as if you've been punched and had the wind knocked from you. It's gob smackingly shocking and you go from anger to tears and then questioning why.

Viviennemary · 14/09/2013 23:40

But he's only been on the website and you went on it yourself. (I know it was just to check) I'd be tempted to go on with a different identity and play a game. But probably wouldn't as it's all too serious for this. If you confront him he will only get out of it with excuses.

Original poster
Discoverymade · 14/09/2013 23:41

That is exactly how I feel. Someone punched me right in the stomach. And I still can't catch my breath after that. Strange how I thought he wouldn't be capable of doing anything like that (his marriage fell apart because his wife had cheated on him).

OP posts:
poppingin1 · 14/09/2013 23:42

Game playing always leads to more hurt.

poppingin1 · 14/09/2013 23:42

So sorry OP Sad

Original poster
Discoverymade · 14/09/2013 23:43

Viviennemary I only created a profile to check, I just had a strange feeling something isn't right. As for my original profile, I deleted it as soon as we decided we were serious. He clearly never did that.

OP posts:
Distrustinggirlnow · 14/09/2013 23:44

Sorry to read this OP. be aware though that if you confront too early he will deny and delete everything and then minimise the length of time he has been back on etc.

Try and get a look at his emails. Remember to check sent mail and deleted too.

What made you suspicious? I know it's not for everyone but I would make a fake profile too....

The feelings you describe is because of the adrenaline I think.....? I remember that feeling well Hmm take some deep breaths Thanks

emsiepoops · 14/09/2013 23:45

I would definitely try and gather as much ammo as you can if you're going to confront him

Original poster
Discoverymade · 14/09/2013 23:48

Distrustinggirl, I don't really know, just something, can't put my finger on it. He just goes from being very distant to being completely OTT with gifts, kindness, as if he had something to make up for.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 14/09/2013 23:52

What I meant was maybe him being on it is entirely innocent and an oversight. But you obviously don't really believe that. I agree with Distrustingirlnow about not confronting him too early. Sorry you are having all this worry.

Original poster
Discoverymade · 14/09/2013 23:54

Sorry Viviennemary, just realised my reply sounded really abrupt, to say the least, I didn't mean it like that. Oh how I wish there was an innocent explanation...

OP posts:
Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 15/09/2013 00:07

Always trust your gut. I found out something about an ex that way. He had dating profiles too. When confronted said it was just for a laugh Hmm

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 15/09/2013 00:17

I would keep watching for a bit so that he can't minimise later. Sorry this has happened to you.

LoisPuddingLane · 15/09/2013 00:43

If you go on the dating website and see he has been on there, take a screenprint of the screen so you will have evidence of the date he last logged on.

Mosman · 15/09/2013 11:53

Who cares if he tries to minimise it or not, you have eyes in your head and aren't daft, if he hasn't been j faithful already he's clearly up for it.

Viking1 · 15/09/2013 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Distrustinggirlnow · 15/09/2013 15:09

Hello OP, just checking in to see how you are today Thanks

Needadviceandfast · 15/09/2013 15:22

I would confront but only after you know more - by checking his actual account if possible to see what activity there has been. Because otherwise you run the risk that he'll minimise it to just going on to update/check/look at a wink/any or all of the above. Although you know deep down that there is no reason for him to even have done any of that, his profile should have been deleted when you got serious, let alone when you were expecting his child...

DisneyDiva87 · 15/09/2013 16:27

I wouldn't check his emails that is disgusting sneaky and no one has any right to read anyone else's personal correspondence. It's illegal to open and read someone else's mail so why should email be any different?

For all you know he was just on there together as well it doesn't mean he is cheating on you. You should mention that you noticed his was still active and ask him is he happy and is everything ok. It could be he is just finding it hard with the new baby and maybe the lure of a bit of flirty attention was too much for him or just checking that other women are interested for an ego boost. I'm not saying that what he is doing is right but you shouldn't jump to conclusions and assume he is cheating. Could he be feeling 2nd fiddle to the baby?