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Original poster

Just found my OH's profile on match.com

39 replies

Discoverymade · 14/09/2013 23:23

WWYD? We've been together for a couple of years now, we have DS. We've had our ups and downs. No sex life since DS was born (screaming newborn). We actually met through match.com and tonight something possessed me to register again and check.. And he's still there. Active last week. Updated his relationship status from separated (he was when we met) to divorced (it all dragged up until just a few months ago), which just confirms to me that he's actually been on the website and changed his details. Should I confront him? Or play his game, start an online flirt and see what he does? I'm still in shock.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 15/09/2013 16:39

Don't turn yourself inside out trying to find out any more. You have enough; there is NO reason for him to have an active profile on a dating site if he is in a supposed committed monogamous relationship with you.

Don't not have it put in to your head that if only you got down to giving him more blow jobs he wouldn't go elsewhere: ignore the victim blaming.

Have a sit down and have a long hard think about what you want out of life - with him in it, or without.

caramelwaffle · 15/09/2013 16:40

*Do Not have it put in in to your head...

Viking1 · 15/09/2013 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Discoverymade · 15/09/2013 17:52

I am not the one to accept any excuse for cheating. I do know he felt pushed away when DS was born but a screaming baby takes priority no matter what. Newborn stage was hellish here but that's no excuse. I had no sleep, he had no shag, just as simple as that...
Disclaimer: I'm normally not that bitchy but just getting in the mood for our chat tonight.

OP posts:
Needadviceandfast · 15/09/2013 20:01

Good luck Discovery.... Thanks

Original poster
Discoverymade · 15/09/2013 22:03

Thank you.
It actually went better than I'd expected. He didn't try to lie or deny anything. Showed me his emails and messages on the website. He said he had gone back on it after a massive fight we had a few days ago and that he very quickly realised how stupid he was and never went back on it. He also showed me his mobile to go over his texts and calls and said I can go over his detailed bill when it comes in the post.
I guess it is now time for my decision.

OP posts:
totallydone · 15/09/2013 22:17

You have a massive row and the first thing he does is go back onto Match and update his profile.
You certainly have a good one there OP---NOT Hmm

Leverette · 15/09/2013 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Discoverymade · 15/09/2013 22:20

I know... That's what I said to him too. He could have at least waited until we properly split up and not just not speak for a day or so.

OP posts:
Shapechanger · 15/09/2013 22:23

This is probably the best outcome you could have.

Didn't deny it, showed you everything, agreed you could see his mobile bill.

It's concerning that he would go on a dating site in response to a fight with you though.

You need to sort things out in your relationship. You haven't been together that long and lots of people have difficult times when they have a small baby but not many are childish enough to go on dating websites in response.

If you want things to work you need to find out why he did that so early in your relationship. It might just be a stupid one-off and a wake up call for him, especially since you found out. Or it might be the start of a pattern that will end in cheating, or in you feeling suspicious and needing to check up on him all the time. These sites are addictive and a philanderer's dream...good luck.

Original poster
Discoverymade · 15/09/2013 22:27

I'm more worried that I will end up paranoid and checking on him all the time. I agree that this couldn't have gone any better but whether I can live with him now is a completely different thing. I guess I have something to think about all night now because there is a stupid little part of me that actually wants to forgive him.

OP posts:
Shapechanger · 15/09/2013 22:31

If you want to stay with him you have to forgive him. Not today, not tomorrow but at some point.

And you need to trust him. Only you can work out if you can do these things, and it's probably too early for you to know, there is a lot to process.

FWIW I think he's an absolute prat and he should have to work pretty hard to deserve your forgiveness. I also think if he's doing this now... he WILL do it again one day. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's not like meeting someone and 'falling in love' or getting insidiously drawn into an affair. He actually went looking.

nightcircus · 15/09/2013 22:32

Not read to the end as about to sleep.
Take a deep breath and gather evidence.

You want to make an informed decision.

With a baby it would be all to easy to forgive, move on and be back in the same place just a few years older.

Take a couple weeks now whilst you have the upper hand. Don't show him your cards. He's not been honest do usual rules cease to apply. Snoop as much as you can.

Best wishes you'll get through this

nightcircus · 15/09/2013 22:38

Sorry just seen above

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