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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh has left me - just need some support tonight

33 replies

Justbroken41 · 14/09/2013 22:10

My dh, who I had been together with for 17 years, has left me today. I posted last weekend, under the name of Numb71, when he confessed to sleeping with a colleague, 3 times (last time in April). He had tried to make it work and buckled eventually under the guilt (or something).

Several Mners were so kind - I sent the thread to him because it had such good advice on it. Unfortunately, that didn't work, and I stopped posting because I had outed myself to him.

On Wednesday, because I was so upset and literally begged, he agreed to go to Relate. Now he feels that it felt wrong, he can't ever go back and we should split.

Just absolutely broken. Feel so lost and bereft. I have a lot of rl support but feel so alone tonight. My heart is broken.

OP posts:

piemashandliquer · 14/09/2013 22:23

You must be heartbroken, have you got a friend who could come and be with you tonight? Take care.

monikar · 14/09/2013 22:23

Oh dear I am so sorry to hear this. I didn't want to leave your post unanswered. I didn't read your original post, but just wanted to offer a hand to hold.

Original poster

Justbroken41 · 14/09/2013 22:24

Thank you. I have lots, but I don't want anybody. Then I go and MN for help. No idea what that is about

OP posts:

mrsmillsfanclub · 14/09/2013 22:25

What an awful ordeal you have been going through. My heart goes out to you. I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom ( sure others will post with great advice soon) just make sure you have someone in RL who you feel is good enough to confide in. This is not a time to be alone with your thoughts. Thinking of you.

FetchezLaVache · 14/09/2013 22:26

I'm so sorry. I did read your original thread and I'm very glad you have so much support. Is this related to the OW and the suspicions raised on the other thread, do you think? Have some and some

JustBecauseICan · 14/09/2013 22:27

Of course your heart is broken.

It is so raw at the moment....but it will get better.

Talking to MN is easy because we're just anonymous typists who you don't have to face IRL and in the early days that's probably easier for you, and there will always be someone here to hold your hand.

mikkii · 14/09/2013 22:27

I'm sorry that you don't feel you can talk to a RL friend tonight. I'm sure they would be happy to sit with you, listen, hold your hand.

Original poster

Justbroken41 · 14/09/2013 22:28

I have banged on to loads of people this week, all of whom have been fabulous. Everyone tells me how strong I am and are sympathetic. I don't feel strong just at this very second. I feel like a bloody mess. I can't have people round here all the time, can I? Have to cope on my own now.

OP posts:

TheFarSide · 14/09/2013 22:29

Seventeen years is a long time. It's a very sad situation and I'm not surprised you are feeling heartbroken. Do be kind to yourself.

Original poster

Justbroken41 · 14/09/2013 22:33

FetchezLaVache, thanks - I don't think so. I think he just realises it's kinder not to prolong the agony now he has told me. He really does think there is no going back and it would be better this way.

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 14/09/2013 22:45

So sorry that you are going through this. Everything is still raw. There will be many, many days like this but just know that one day you will be able to feel happy again. Take each day as it comes. You have to go through the motions of this difficult time and it's great that you do have a lot of support. Remember that if someone can walk away from you they weren't meant to be with you. Just take it one step at a time.

Original poster

Justbroken41 · 14/09/2013 22:48

Thank you

OP posts:

Leavenheath · 14/09/2013 22:50

Just read your other thread and I'd put money on the fact that the affair's still going on and he told you so you would kick him out and he wouldn't have to take the blame for leaving. He was probably banking on being able to tell some sob story about wanting a clean slate and doing the decent thing by baring all, only to find that his honesty was thrown back in his face and he was kicked out.

Instead, to his amazement you looked like you were going to forgive him .

Seeing as that wasn't the plan at all, he's had to do it by his own sword, but he's trying to exert that final bit of control over you by claiming the affair's over and he's going to be on his own.

Piffle.

No bloke who confesses to an affair and then leaves a week later, plans to be on his own. He's either got another affair on the go and only admitted to the earlier one or the original affair never ended.

So sorry love, but please don't believe this hogwash.

HoopersGinger · 14/09/2013 22:50

I read your other thread too. I really feel for you. I can't believe he'll ever be with someone as lovely as you sound. Stay strong x

whippetwoman · 14/09/2013 22:56

Hello. Hand holding here. So sorry this has happened and that you feel sad. I am thinking of you and very much hope you will be ok. It may well be as other posters say that he is still seeing her and in that case he's an arse and you are better off without him for now anyway, although saying that is of little help and consolation. Anyway, am thinking of you.

Original poster

Justbroken41 · 14/09/2013 22:59

I really don't think he is. Thank you for the handholding, it helps

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 14/09/2013 23:10

Oh sweetheart. No advice or even opinions to offer, I'm afraid, but I did want to send all best wishes and to tell you that this will pass, in time, and life will be good again, for all the grief is terrible right now.

Original poster

Justbroken41 · 14/09/2013 23:14

I can't believe how much this hurts. Like my heart literally aches.

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 14/09/2013 23:17

I truly hope you are right, and you know him far better than anyone else. But I would put money on Leavenheath's version of events being correct.

Original poster

Justbroken41 · 14/09/2013 23:20

I know that he never knows what makes him happy, that he is always chasing it, and that for 17 years I've tried to show him it's under his nose.

That worked for 16

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 14/09/2013 23:24

I can't believe how much this hurts. Like my heart literally aches.

It's hell, isn't it. Indescribable pain. But you honestly, truly, will recover and be happy again. Plenty of MN can attest to the truth of that. It's just a miserable truth that you need to endure through this part to get there.

But you don't and won't ever have to do it without support. Try to hold on to that.

Mumfun · 14/09/2013 23:28

SO sorry. I was in similar situation about 4 years ago. It is so so painful. Get all the support you can. Look after yourself and kids, eat and if you cant eat get some soup or something similar to drink.

Sorry other practicals. protect yourself financially - consider seeing a lawyer. protect yourself healthwise by having an STD check. Sorry you find yourself in this situation. It is painful beyond belief. Do something kind for yourself every day -buy a magazine or take a walk somewhere lovely. It sounds nuts as you are feeling so awful but gradually you will start to feel a sligh tbenefit and after some time these things will start to bring you some positivity.Keep postig on here to get support!

ShedWood · 14/09/2013 23:34

"I know that he never knows what makes him happy, that he is always chasing it, and that for 17 years I've tried to show him it's under his nose."

Well fuck that! Seriously, no relationship should be that hard. 16 YEARS of trying to be someone and create a life for someone else so they'd be happy enough to stay with you? Run now, and don't look back.

I'm sure you feel bad because you've been in this relationship for so long, but honey that isn't anyway to live.

Try a new life now, where you and your DC come first and forget about trying to please your X, hopefully you'll find it the liberating adventure that life should be.

Original poster

Justbroken41 · 14/09/2013 23:34

It is painful beyond belief

^^ This

Thank you MNers, I knew you would hold my hand xxx

OP posts:

whyme32 · 15/09/2013 08:42

Glad to see you have started this thread - you have shown such strength and are an amazing woman.

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