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Relationships

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Original poster

My Online Dating is beeping, but what do others think?

34 replies

ABitBewildered · 14/09/2013 12:41

I'm 57, widowed for 12 years now and from 2005-2009 had an amazing relationship (ended sadly but that's another story!). For a variety of reasons I haven't feel ready to venture out again into the world of dating until a few months ago - and it's evident there's a severe shortage of men I find attractive out there :)

Anyway about a month ago I was contacted by a man living about 45 miles away who ticked quite a lot of my boxes, so we chatted via the dating site every couple of days - just nice easy going stuff, building up a better picture. A week ago he suggested meeting up for a drink and, whereas previously I would have wanted to maybe talk in person first, I thought OK let's go for it and see what happens. So we met in bar of hotel on neutral territory half way between homes at 8.00pm and talked/laughed non-stop for a couple of hours. It was very relaxed. I don't drink very much so just the one glass of wine was fine for me, he had mineral water. Around 10pm he said he'd have to make a move soon - I lightheartedly queried early start for work, but he said it was early gym session before work. No problem, we talked a bit more, agreed to keep in contact and I had a peck on the cheek saying bye in the carpark. Driving home, I didn't have that delicious "maybe something special just happened" feeling - like I did with 4 year relationship man after first date, but happy to see where it went.

After a few days, checked the OD site and saw he'd not been on since our meeting. Call me old-fashioned, but I thought I'd leave it another day or so to see if he contacted me, then drop a line just to say I'd enjoyed meeting up. When I logged on yesterday, he's completely disappeared! No profile, no way of making contact! In his town he's quite a well-known business man so obviously I could contact him through work (please note here is NO WAY I will do this) - I'm just completely mystified. Surely just say if you'd rather not take it further? His divorce was also quite public (not that I've googled oh no, not nosey old me) so what do you think happened?

I do realise this is a huge post for someone met for a couple of hours and that you never really "know" about OD people, but I am just so curious if this is normal behaviour nowadays. Humour me with your thoughts .....

OP posts:

Original poster

ABitBewildered · 14/09/2013 12:42

Ha - title should have read "my online dating RADAR is beeping"

OP posts:

findingme · 14/09/2013 12:47

My friend is doing online dating and I could be wrong, but he could have blocked you. Maybe he didnt feel that spark either and decided to stop contact. My friend is on E Harmony so I don't know how the other sites work. If this is the case I think it is very bad form not to send a message first. Personally I would not contact him. Put it down to experience and keep looking

beachyhead · 14/09/2013 12:50

Maybe he's really new to this and really doesn't want to upset you by saying he didn't want to see you again bit drastic to disappear though...

However, no great loss I suppose. At least you didn't think he was amazing and then he went off...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 12:51

(Confession) I've recently been thinking of having a bash at online dating myself and, having read a lot about it, I think you have to put on your thickest skin and most sensitive twat detectors before you embark! I don't know why on earth he would 'delist' (?) himself completely from the site after one date. Did you exchange phone numbers or anything?

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 14/09/2013 12:53

Or he may have Bernard deleted for upsetting someone.

If i like meeting someone I normally tell them the next day though. i don't hold with this waiting x number of days. Just a quick mote to say I had a nice time thank you.

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 14/09/2013 12:58

His disappearance probably had nothing to do with you at all. most people are talking to more than one person. he may have met someone else that he really liked.
Or just got bored of the whole thing.
Or been blocked for upsetting someone.

It is more likely O D he has given up on rather than you personally.

Original poster

ABitBewildered · 14/09/2013 13:20

Well, thank you all for those opinions - this OD lark really is a bit confusing isn't it. But, as has been mentioned, thank goodness I didn't feel that much of a spark (despite enjoying a relaxed, easy going first meeting). I do of course realise people talk to numerous possibly interesting people on these sites and this is completely normal, but I just wish he could have been more honest about not wanting to take it any further!

Also, I'd no idea you could block someone from seeing your profile. I am learning though :)

OP posts:

Latara · 14/09/2013 16:54

I went on my first OD date last Sunday; the man was nice, very attractive, full of compliments and plans for going out again; gave me a full on the lips kiss before leaving and made it Very clear he liked me... texted me to make sure I got home ok, then...... NOTHING.

Not heard from him since at all. So disappointing.

I keep saying to myself ''it's not me, it's him'' but it's difficult so I understand where u are coming from!

Original poster

ABitBewildered · 14/09/2013 17:01

HI Latara - yes, it's weird isn't it? Surely if they've had second thoughts they could be man enough to say so and everyone move on amicably - that's how I would be anyway.

Have you looked at the website to see if he's been "active"? Will you contact him? But yes, it's definitely HIM with a problem, not you :)

OP posts:

Yonihadtoask · 14/09/2013 17:09

I did online dating - successfully as I met DH :)

However, I had a few dates which weren't so great. I didn't block them, but just said thanks and something along the lines of 'was nice to meet you, but I don't think it's going to go anywhere, so good luck'.

Maybe he has blocked you. Or taken himself off the site?

Whatever - don't' worry about it, and don't take it personally. You have to kiss a lot of frogs etc.

MariaLuna · 14/09/2013 17:18

If he didn't even have the courtesy to contact you after the date, think of it as a lucky escape.

Better to know now than 3 or 4 dates down the line. Or worse, being in a relationship with someone like that who just does a runner.

But. You've gotten yourself out there again, so onwards and upwards eh?

Latara · 14/09/2013 17:27

Mine has been 'active' since last Sunday on his profile.

All I can think is.. he said he was looking for ''a distraction'' (he used that exact word, not ''girlfriend''.)

He asked me back to his then said ''no, you're too respectable for that'' also when he kissed me I pulled away first because I was embarrassed (he was snogging me on the street in front of everyone including the driver of the taxi I was planning to use).

I did fancy him but I'm quite shy because it's been nearly 2 years since I've even just kissed a guy.

I think he was looking for a FWB not a girlfriend, and I wonder if he guessed I want a proper boyfriend.

ALittleStranger · 14/09/2013 17:36

HI Latara - yes, it's weird isn't it? Surely if they've had second thoughts they could be man enough to say so and everyone move on amicably - that's how I would be anyway.

Second thoughts about what OP? You're not in a relationship with him. Some people myself included consider silence more polite after a first date than an unprompted "thanks but no thanks" text. If you're not in contact and regularly seeing each other you need to be moving on to someone else.

Original poster

ABitBewildered · 14/09/2013 19:00

ALittleStranger - well sorry but I'm bemused at your comment about "silence being more polite after a first date" and really couldn't disagree more, but hey ho each to their own.

Maybe that's how younger people do dating/start relationships or even FWB, whatever you want to call it, but I'm still of the opinion it's more adult to let each other know where things stand - it doesn't have to be the blunt "thanks but no thanks" text you mention, before moving on amicably!! Interesting point of view though :)

OP posts:

Squeegle · 14/09/2013 19:03

I agree. Silence after a first date is very impolite. Especially if you had said you'd keep in touch. Obviously it's fair enough if you then decide you don't want to keep in touch but politeness would be just to drop a quick line saying so. Anything else is very rude. In OD or otherwise!

DioneTheDiabolist · 14/09/2013 19:12

I de-listed from POF after my first date and it was a year before I re-opened my account. The date was lovely but it did make me realize that I wasn't ready for dating yet.

Spending a couple of hours with someone does not mean that they owe you an explanation should they decide not to see you again.

Dearjackie · 14/09/2013 19:16

I went on a first date last night. I wasn't sure what to think either, I found him attractive, couldn't work out if he found me attractive or not. He bought the first drink I got the second one. We chatted, mostly him about him. A couple of hours later he said he better make a move said he'd walk me to my car which he did, I said well it was nice meeting you and he said yes il message you. No kiss or anything, never expected to hear anything he didn't ask for my number. When I got home he'd emailed me saying he had a nice evening did I want to meet up again. I'm so out of practice, what do you think?

Original poster

ABitBewildered · 14/09/2013 20:44

Diane - well, like my response to an earlier poster, sorry but I disagree! Of course spending a couple of hours in a bar doesn't mean you have any obligation to continue developing a relationship BUT I do feel strongly that a little bit of politeness/manners - call it what you like - wouldn't hurt surely? And what about the weeks prior of talking every couple of days, during which I came to know a fair bit of personal stuff about his children, job, divorce etc (some of which was perhaps over-sharing, was not asked for and not reciprocated).

Anyway, I'll still treat any other dates how I'd hope to be treated and just "agree to disagree" with anyone who thinks disappearing without a trace is OK :)

OP posts:

somanyfake · 14/09/2013 21:10

Did you consider any different reason of his disappearing

I had situation where technical problems put me out of "world"

Original poster

ABitBewildered · 14/09/2013 21:24

Hmmm, apologies to Somanyfake - kind of appropriate name for this thread :) but I really don't think the "disappearance" is due to technical problems with the dating site.

My guess would be he's been playing the game with several women (fair enough, it's all about finding the right person, before I get jumped upon for "demanding exclusivity"!!) and decided to block me in case I tried to make contact to follow up the date.

Dearjackie - what did you decide to do?

OP posts:

Dearjackie · 14/09/2013 21:34

I did find him attractive so said I'll send him my number( he gave his on the email) I don't think I like the whole online thing though, it horrible going on thrre to check your emails and seeing they are online

Even though I don't want to jump into a relationship I also don't want to be one of many and I think that's a fact of life on these sites, they are not going to just speak to you are they

unBant · 14/09/2013 21:35

ABit - the disappearing off the site is strange, but opinion is divided over whether it's best to receive no text at all from someone after a first date, or to receive one which says they weren't into you.

Personally, I think I can tell whether someone wants to see me again, and if I think they do, and I don't, I'll send a 'no spark' message. If they seem off somehow, and it's okay but not much more than a chat and drink with someone - and no kiss goodnight at the end, then I'm not sure whether to send a text or not. I've hurt it can be patronising when the woman thinks she's made her feelings clear.

As for disappearing from the site, as other people have said - he's either blocked you, which is rude but gives you the message, or he's met someone else, or decided the whole thing was a bad idea and deleted his profile. Whatever, it's obviously not good for you, so you're to have to keep plugging away and hope the next one you find is better, more polite, and works out in the long run.

Original poster

ABitBewildered · 14/09/2013 21:58

Unbant thanks for that perspective, it's interesting how different people perceive this situation isn't it? I'm just definitely in the group who would rather know where they stand (and happily move on with no hard feelings) and find it hard to see why that's not just basic good manners!

Anyway, I think this has been done to death now - from my point of view at least - and I guess we'll never know what was going on :)

OP posts:

unBant · 14/09/2013 22:24

I'm sorry, I just read back that post of mine and saw all the typos and missing and incorrect words. I can't even blame it on my phone, as I wasn't on it.

Good luck with everything

Dearjackie · 15/09/2013 04:10

Well I have to say I am coming off ON dating because already I'm wondering about people and their game playing and it's actually like a cattle market on there

I text my date my number as requested because he asked me for date number 2 and he spent the whole evening online immediately after receiving my number sent me a few texts but never made another date for this week as he suggested initially. Whoops doo another man who has managed to get a woman's number to boost their ego, Im not ready for this rubbish

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