My Online Dating is beeping, but what do others think?

[ABitBewildered]

I'm 57, widowed for 12 years now and from 2005-2009 had an amazing relationship (ended sadly but that's another story!). For a variety of reasons I haven't feel ready to venture out again into the world of dating until a few months ago - and it's evident there's a severe shortage of men I find attractive out there :)

Anyway about a month ago I was contacted by a man living about 45 miles away who ticked quite a lot of my boxes, so we chatted via the dating site every couple of days - just nice easy going stuff, building up a better picture. A week ago he suggested meeting up for a drink and, whereas previously I would have wanted to maybe talk in person first, I thought OK let's go for it and see what happens. So we met in bar of hotel on neutral territory half way between homes at 8.00pm and talked/laughed non-stop for a couple of hours. It was very relaxed. I don't drink very much so just the one glass of wine was fine for me, he had mineral water. Around 10pm he said he'd have to make a move soon - I lightheartedly queried early start for work, but he said it was early gym session before work. No problem, we talked a bit more, agreed to keep in contact and I had a peck on the cheek saying bye in the carpark. Driving home, I didn't have that delicious "maybe something special just happened" feeling - like I did with 4 year relationship man after first date, but happy to see where it went.

After a few days, checked the OD site and saw he'd not been on since our meeting. Call me old-fashioned, but I thought I'd leave it another day or so to see if he contacted me, then drop a line just to say I'd enjoyed meeting up. When I logged on yesterday, he's completely disappeared! No profile, no way of making contact! In his town he's quite a well-known business man so obviously I could contact him through work (please note here is NO WAY I will do this) - I'm just completely mystified. Surely just say if you'd rather not take it further? His divorce was also quite public (not that I've googled oh no, not nosey old me) so what do you think happened?

I do realise this is a huge post for someone met for a couple of hours and that you never really "know" about OD people, but I am just so curious if this is normal behaviour nowadays. Humour me with your thoughts .....

Ok I know I've given this too much headspace as I've posted on another thread also. Time alone working on myself is needed but have to confess I was looking forward to a bit of company, do they never grow up? He was early 50's seems to be still playing the game

Dearjackie
I think you're right about OD in some ways. You definitely have to have a thick skin and not be offended if people are on the site and not get preoccupied with what they're doing. And in my experience also you have to give people a wide berth if they appear to be a bit hit and miss with contact.

Having said that, that's true in real life. I tend to think (and it's only a recent realisation), that if someone wants to be in touch, they'll be in touch. And frankly if they are keen they'll be quick about it. Any delay and they lose.

I have met some right plonkers doing the OD, but have also met some nice chaps. It's definitely the luck of the draw. And definitely the onus is on us to keep our emotions well under control, not to emotionally invest too much until they've proved themselves. Obvious maybe, but a lesson I learned through making lots of mistakes!

After what's happened to me in RL with an EA relationship I don't think I can be bothered with the whole game playing again. This one seemed keen asked me the same evening when he got home for another date, got my number then hasn't acted on it even though he suggested meeting up this week. I suppose for some its enough to have your number just in case!

I just can't understand some blokes! I have now given up trying to understand em!! One website I found really useful was Baggage Reclaim- have you ever seen that? There are a lot of really useful posts on valuing yourself and not taking any nonsense. I too was in an EA relationship for a long time. So I definitely needed to reset some of my boundaries and make sure I didn't fall into the same trap again. I am feeling reasonably confident (so far!). Worth a look if you haven't already.

For what it's worth Natalie Lue who writes the blog is no fan of online dating either. But I am really. Where else to meet someone?

I just think there's too many let downs and I don't think I can take it. I'm not really looking for a relationship necessarily but I just find it rude and annoying that people ask you for a date and you agree then appear to leave it at that. I mean what is the bloody point? I'm actually not prepared to waste time or headspace on it anymore

I don't want to spend my life trying to work men out either.

Agree! And actually if you're not in the kind of zone where you'll see it as fun then it won't be fun. Maybe better to leave the OD for a bit and concentrate on other stuff. After all, as we know , finding a bloke isn't the answer to all our problems. Often it's the start of a load more!!

Jackie don't get too down hearted. what you have got out of the O D experience that you have a boundary around people not being straight talking and upfront. that's a good thing.view not as a journey to find a man but a journey to find out what window man youwant.

You do need a thick skin though.

Don't reactor much into seeing people online. i have a few friends on OD with whom i exchange get banter. And if people message me I generally answer even if it is just to say no thanks.and then I often leave the app open by mistake so it looks like I am onlinewhen I am not. so to someone waiting for a message may look like I am chatting away ignoring them when in fact it is more likely I am cooking the tea.

But if it makes you too stressed give it a break fora while.a friend of mine told me to view it as a bizarre hobby rather than something on which your romantic future depends.

But going back to OP, if Jackie were to back out of O D now it might look to her date like a rejection of him when in fact it is a rejection of OD. and i think that thatmay b what happened in your case. circumstances outwith your date have taken over.

Sorry for mangled post. on phone.

If you don't hear from a man, you definitely know where you stand. You don't need a text to tell you that. Simple rule: men are not shy about going after what they want. If a man wants to go out with you, he'll call you. Don't sit around analysing anyone else, they aren't worth it!