Has anyone been disappointed by their DP as a father

[peacefuloptimist]

My Dh and I have been married about 3 years. At the start of the marriage everything was rosy and DH was literally everything that I had ever wanted in a partner. Ever since I have had my ds though I have begun to get really critical of DH. Whilst before I was able to let a lot of things go now I find just about everything he does annoys me very quickly. Im not liking how naggy and patronising I am being towards him. Everyday I tell myself I am not going to have a go today, I am just going to be really easy going, but I always end up getting moody. I'm not sure whether its just tiredness from looking after baby or whether the honeymoon period has just ended.

However, another factor which exasperates things for me is that I feel really disappointed by the way that he is choosing to parent our son, which is very 'hands off'. Part of it is that he works very long hours. He is out by 8.30am and is normally not back until a similar time in the evening when ds is already asleep or on the way to going to bed. However even in the weekend I find that he is reluctant to get involved where if I was him I would be eager to catch up with lost time during the week to spend time with ds.

My family accuse me of being a perfectionist with my son and a bit controlling, which I can see is partially true. They tell me that DH doesnt help with ds that much because I interfere when he does and that I should just leave him with ds to get on with it. But there are basic things that my DH cant do for my son even now that he is an older baby and I just feel like I would be embarrassed if as a parent I could not adequately take care of my own child. For example he never dresses him appropriately for the weather. He never knows where to find ds's clothes even though I am a bit obsessive about organising his stuff so that its easy to find (mainly for both our benefit so we dont faff about looking for stuff). Once I left him with ds for a longish periods of time (2-3 hours) noting before I left that ds needed a nappy change (though I didnt mention it to him as I wanted to see whether he would notice). When I return I find that ds had not been changed, fed or even given water. When I ask him why he hasnt done any of these basic things for him he says he'll be fine you were only gone for a short time. He doesnt usually play with ds and instead will just sit him on his lap for x amount of time whilst he is doing work. Anyway yesterday I realised that I havent been away from ds for one whole day since he was born and I felt so angry about that. Anyone got any advice about how I can get DH to take more responsibility for caring for ds. Anyone been in a similar position?

"My family accuse me of being a perfectionist with my son and a bit controlling, which I can see is partially true"

I think you should listen to this. No two people take the same approach to child-raising. If you're a perfectionist on any level and your way is always the right way then he's lost the game before he's even started and is going to disengage. You sound like you're waiting for him to cock it up so that you can have a go and, if I was him, I'd be thinking that it was better to leave it all to you rather than risk making a mistake and getting another earful.

Lots of us find it difficult to actively play with very small children and tbh, they don't need constant stimulation. Sitting on Dad's lap while he works is actually a lovely thing for a baby. Yes, he should have changed the nappy but was it really the end of the world?

What comes across most unfortunately is that you sound resentful. If you're angry about the impact a baby has had on your life individually then that's something you have to address yourself rather than blame others. If you need some time to yourself, for example, arrange it. But it's going to mean trusting DH to manage his son .... in his own way. Are you big enough to do that?

Perhaps chill out a bit.
My DH is a fantastic dad BUT would forget to give our son lunch or to put appropriate clothes on him but there was nothing I could do as I was at work. DH would tell me when I came home.

DH and ds have a fantastic relationship, go everywhere together and are very close. My baby survived my DH"s neglect and is now a happy healthy 10 year old.

Thanks for the replies. I know I have to let go a bit but I feel guilty to leave ds with others if I know the standard of care will go down. Right now I would rather leave my ds with my DM or DMIL then with DH as I feel they are much more attentive to his needs.

The problem is I often interpret my DHs actions as him not caring about ds (or me) enough. For example when he comes home from work (between 7-8pm) I am in the middle of ds's bedtime routine or just putting him to bed. However, he never offers to help out and if I ask him sometimes he responds but other times he doesn't. Part of the problem is I breastfeed ds still so that is a convenient way for him to pass the buck to me.

I know I sound resentful because I am! Before ds I was not a person who relied on others. If I needed something I would get it myself. However, I cant be like this with ds because its just too much responsibility for one person to hold especially when there is someone to share the load. Increasing economic dependence on DH has also made me more resentful. I stopped working when I had ds and even though dh is fairly generous and open with me obviously I dont have as much to spend as I did when I was earning my own money. Its been one year now and I really want to find a new job but Im paralysed with fear about leaving ds in a nursery where he will have to share attention with other children or with a childminder that I don't know very well. I know I'm starting to sound really psychotic now but my biological mother abandoned me when I was about 1 years old and it makes me very sensitive about leaving ds somewhere or with someone that I am not 100% sure of.

If you want to have a whole day away from DS - do it! Arrange to meet a friend for the day. Leave your DH with instructions about the things that really matter to you (eg feed times) and let him get on with it. DS will be fine, even if DH doesn't do things exactly as you would.

Please don't take this the wrong way but perhaps he doesn't get so involved because he thinks he might be criticised. Perhaps some gentle guidance might help, eg asking DH to change him, rather than waiting to see what would happen (and letting your DC have a wet nappy for an extra 2 hours to prove a point ) and then reacting to the situation.

My BIL sound rather like your DH - he works long hours so consequently used to do very little but does lot more now he and my SIL had a chat about it. Maybe your DH is tired, thinks he needs a break after a busy week at work (whereas you need a break at the weekend!), or has little confidence or is being a bit teenager-y about it thinking he won't "get it right" anyway so why should he bother. Maybe a gentle chat over a glass of wine one evening and a few clear instructions before he takes charge rather than criticism afterwards? I'm not saying he doesn't deserve criticism but it might not get the desired effect?

You said you were disappointed so maybe explain your clothing system to your DH for the third time and other types of things and you might find he gets more involved. It was lovely you said he was all you wanted in a partner - he just needs a bit of steering from you to become what you want from a father, hopefully!

Okay cross posted. I understand your issues a bit better now. Maybe counselling would help you?

But in the mean time, please don't leave your DS with your DM or MIL in preference to your DH. The standard of care is less important than DH developing a relationship with his son.

How old is ds? My husband was hopeless when mine was a baby. Not that interested, not that involved, had no idea about how immediately a baby's needs are at all. He once wanted to finish a chapter of a book before feeding ds when he was sobbing with hunger, for example - I blew up, because really tiny toddlers have no concept of hunger until they're actually in pain from it! It really created a problem in our relationship. Then DS started talking... and his father was smitten. Now, they are incredibly close and he takes a huge amount of the care and responsibility for him. He's brilliant with him. Couldn't ask for a better dad.

Talking to other mothers, I don't think it's that uncommon. Depressingly, it's almost the norm. You're sleep deprived so tend to be a bit set in things being done exactly your way, and they can quite bluntly be lazy sods when they aren't there most of the time and don't have the emotional connection with the baby that makes the drudgery worthwhile. But it does improve once the baby starts interacting at a level their fathers can engage with (it makes me sad, because he missed out on so much less obvious interaction when he was smaller, but such is life).

My godmother's son was enchanted from birth. I do envy that. It must make the early months so much easier.

"I know I have to let go a bit but I feel guilty to leave ds with others if I know the standard of care will go down."

If he's never spent any extended time solely responsible for the baby, he's unlikely to improve his skills. Something similar applies about nurseries. You can't on the one hand complain that you're dependent, tied down, taken for granted, and no-one helps and on the other do nothing to address what - you're right - are disproportionate fears.

I don't think there's anything disproportionately fearful about not wanting your baby in professional care. I appreciate lots of women have no choice, and others loathe caring for babies 24/7 despite being very loving mothers and need the stimulation etc of work (a friend would have gone crazy if she'd had to stay at home once hr maternity leave was up and she joked she loved work because she could go in for a rest!) but people are hardwired differently, and I would have struggled hugely with a nursery for my baby. I could have coped with a good childminder, but it would still have been very hard. I think that's normal, actually. Most working mothers of babies I know found it very hard leaving them in someone else's care when they were that small. Even the part-timers. They just had no choice, financially/professionally. It didn't mean it wasn't upsetting at the time.

Agree that the only way to improve her DH's relationship/standard of care is to give him a chance to develop it, though. I think that's a separate issue.

They might consider you to be controlling. But IME I had to take over as XP wouldn't do anything. If I didn't do it it wouldn't get done, I would get a mouthful of abuse if I wanted any 'me' time (including the toilet). So damn right I ended up taking control!

In your first post OP, you refer to your son as "my baby". This is what you need to focus in. He is not just yours. You will parent differently. But your husband is just as entitled to parent as you. Give him a chance.

Op I would suggest counselling or something.

Also when leaving your son with DH, leave him a routine. Eg change nappy at x, give water/snack at y. I did this with DH - he wasn't used to looking after ds at first. Now I don't worry about it - DH knows what to do.

Well I think you will have to learn to stay back and let him look after his baby his way.

Remember that there is never ONE way to do thing, one better tahn all the others. You have taken times to find out how to best respond to your dc needs, you need to leave time to your DH to learn how to best respond to his dc needs wo interfering.

Atm, if something needs to be done, you are always telling me and then telling him that it's not quite the right way to do it. No wonder he is not taking any intiative.

And remember, the longer you will leave it until you feel happy to give some of the responsibility (which is also some of the choice) on how to look after your dc, the harder it will be for your DH and the more resentful you will be.

I am afraid you are your worst enemy there.

Ok also,I would organize counselling for yourself to get over this 'I am the only one who can look after dc properly'.

This has little to do with your DH but a lot to do with yourself and your fears.

I agree with Party that you need some help with your issues about being the only one who can care for your son and how that ties in with your own abandonment issues.

That was a pretty shitty (no pun intended :o ) thing you did to him with the nappy. I have 3 kids and that's a test I might fail if DH set it. Which he wouldn't, because he's not trying to catch me out or come up with reasons why I can't be trusted with my own child.

You seem to simultaneously want your baby to be completely reliant on you and for nobody else's standards to be high enough and yet pissed off that nobody else is doing it as well as you are.

Apart from anything else, you are not doing the best thing by your own baby by making it so difficult for his own father to care for him. That is bad for both of them and you need to take your own part of the blame for that.

I'm getting my hair done right now, I just had a text from my partner saying 'ds is crying for no reason :((' he hasn't eaten in a few hours and dp knows this but doesn't put it together.

I'm sure he will get the hang of it soon. Some men don't have the 'instinct' but apparently pick it up when babies are a bit older.

Thanks for all the replies. It has been useful to get some perspective.

My ds is 13 months. I have left him for the day with dh twice and once for a half day (so 2.5 days) but mostly I leave him for 2-4 hours. What I meant by not having a day away from him is not having him overnight as well. I have been on night duty with him since he was born but dh has had nights and days away from him when I have gone to visit family for extended periods of time (say a week). The two days I left ds with him were okay but he point blank refuses to follow ds's naptime schedule because he cant be bothered to get him to go to sleep (he says he will fall asleep if he is tired). This invariably results in ds getting overtired and therefore screamy, which doesnt bother me as such because Im not there to witness it (happened both times I left him for a whole day with his dad) but at the same time I feel sorry for ds that he was left to get that upset. The time I left him with the nappy test I genuinely did not expect him to fail. The nappy was pretty full and I thought if I mention it it will look like Im trying to boss him around as well as going off and having time on my own.

I dont think I am the only one who can look after ds. though I do believe no one loves him more than me I trust my own mother and dh's mother as well as my older dsis completely with ds and dont think twice about leaving them with him but they watch him and indulge him. My fears about leaving him with dh are partially because when ds was first born he kept making serious errors with him. For example at first I breastfeed and bottle feed ds (before he completely rejected the bottle) and whenever ds would cry dh would grab any bottle within arms reach and try feeding him it and wouldnt bother to check when it had been made (some of them had been there overnight). He repeated this several times even after I told him it would make ds seriously ill. I got in to the habit of disposing of bottles immediately because of fear dh would give it to ds. Other things he would do is prepare a bath for ds without using a thermometer and then when I put the thermometer in (which was right next to the bath) it would be too hot or too cold. The nappy would always be too loose and we would have spillage if dh did them. I appreciate now that having a go at him about these things probably lead to him not offering to feed ds, or bathe him or change him anymore but should I have just let it go? Dh always complains when I tell him what to do that I am acting like a teacher (that was my profession before I quit work). Another thing that really bugs me is ds sleeps in the next room and when he wakes overnight I get him and pull back his blanket and prop the door open so that once I feed him and get him back to sleep I can easily put him back. Whenever dh gets him at night he never follows any of these things though I have told him 100s of times that I cant open ds's bedroom door if I am carrying him without waking him up. I know its starting to sound petty but this is what Im saying Im becoming so annoyed with everything dh does.

Wow, that is pretty shoddy about giving him bottles that had been there overnight

See, I would have gone totally batshit over that.

But we didn't even have a bath thermometer, and just judged it using our elbows.

I think it's a real shame that you think your son's father is not in the top 4 people at looking after him.

What does he say when you talk to him about this stuff? Is he happy with how he is as a father? Does he enjoy it? Find it hard?

You are sounding petty. He is probably not doing any of the things that irk you so much out of any sort of malice.
Go out. Leave your son with his father. Take up running or something that will challenge you physically and stop you feeling so stressed all the time. And if you come back and his nappy is a bit full then so what, it's not the end of the world.
Also, there are ways to ask people to do things that don't sound like moaning. Be kind.

This is a difficult one because I recognise what cog is saying about being a perfectionist...

However, I have no sympathy with this idea that men get to be useless with babies and should be given instructions. Obviously within reason the parent with less experience might benefit from some support from the one with more but within reason.

Having to constantly explain the systems in the house and basic things like that you need to wipe up weetabix from the kitchen table when you are the one cleaning the kitchen is what has destroyed my marriage. When my mum said if I wanted things done to an acceptable level I should leave detailed instructions it finished me off because I am sick to death of being the one with all of the responsibility for the children and home.

It is absolutely right that the op expects her partner to be a partner in childcare and housework IMHO.

So yes I suspect the op maybe has some high standards but her OH needs to grow up and pull his weight. I simply don't believe that it is in any way ok to not feed or clean a baby and I wouldn't be cutting any slack over those things either.

Some of the things you're saying are reasonable and others seem like over reacting to me. Eg having to tell him over and over again about propping the door open would annoy me, but otoh I've never used a bath thermometer and I'm a little at describing yourself as "so angry" that you've never had a whole night away from DS when he is only 13m and breastfed.

Maybe you've got to the stage of feeling so resentful towards your DH that you've lost perspective a little?

I think you need to talk to him. These feelings aren't doing your marriage any good. Maybe you could try couples counselling?

And op my dh has been like this, thinking he knows better even though he has hardly been here because of work and the twins were his first and second but my third and fourth. I explained his behaviour as the equivalent of me just randomly typing crap in his job and messing it up and then expecting credit because I have helped... He understood that.

Part of the problem is that DH does not have much experience with babies (neither did I) but also doesnt seek out information. So whilst I read books and asked people for advice before and after ds was born dh felt that we would be able to wing it as being a parent is natural. I'm not saying that his approach is wrong and mine is right, I think we have to meet in the middle. As time has gone on I have started to take on his approach more as I have gained confidence but at the same time he doesn't always accept that I am more knowledgeable about ds's habits then he is and even if Im not around he should follow the routine I have set in place. He prefers to take the laid back approach which really annoys me as with his work stuff he is very precise and meticulous but with Ds its sloppy and just good enough. Surely your child should have your best effort not your work? By the way I did go out today and came home to find a happy ds and an exhausted dh. He isn't used to entertaining and keeping safe a newly mobile ds.

I know I am being slightly unfair and I need to get over some of my own issues. I am applying for a job at the moment which I am desperate to get but at the same time I am worrying about arranging childcare for ds. I feel like I will be leaving him to fend for himself like my mother did to me. Recently, I looked after a friend's child who is similar in age to ds but slightly older and I noticed that there was a lot of snatching of toys and some hitting going on, which I stopped straightaway. However when I think about ds being looked after by someone who will not care as much as me if someone snatches his toy off him or hits him I feel sick.