Has anyone been disappointed by their DP as a father

[peacefuloptimist]

My Dh and I have been married about 3 years. At the start of the marriage everything was rosy and DH was literally everything that I had ever wanted in a partner. Ever since I have had my ds though I have begun to get really critical of DH. Whilst before I was able to let a lot of things go now I find just about everything he does annoys me very quickly. Im not liking how naggy and patronising I am being towards him. Everyday I tell myself I am not going to have a go today, I am just going to be really easy going, but I always end up getting moody. I'm not sure whether its just tiredness from looking after baby or whether the honeymoon period has just ended.

However, another factor which exasperates things for me is that I feel really disappointed by the way that he is choosing to parent our son, which is very 'hands off'. Part of it is that he works very long hours. He is out by 8.30am and is normally not back until a similar time in the evening when ds is already asleep or on the way to going to bed. However even in the weekend I find that he is reluctant to get involved where if I was him I would be eager to catch up with lost time during the week to spend time with ds.

My family accuse me of being a perfectionist with my son and a bit controlling, which I can see is partially true. They tell me that DH doesnt help with ds that much because I interfere when he does and that I should just leave him with ds to get on with it. But there are basic things that my DH cant do for my son even now that he is an older baby and I just feel like I would be embarrassed if as a parent I could not adequately take care of my own child. For example he never dresses him appropriately for the weather. He never knows where to find ds's clothes even though I am a bit obsessive about organising his stuff so that its easy to find (mainly for both our benefit so we dont faff about looking for stuff). Once I left him with ds for a longish periods of time (2-3 hours) noting before I left that ds needed a nappy change (though I didnt mention it to him as I wanted to see whether he would notice). When I return I find that ds had not been changed, fed or even given water. When I ask him why he hasnt done any of these basic things for him he says he'll be fine you were only gone for a short time. He doesnt usually play with ds and instead will just sit him on his lap for x amount of time whilst he is doing work. Anyway yesterday I realised that I havent been away from ds for one whole day since he was born and I felt so angry about that. Anyone got any advice about how I can get DH to take more responsibility for caring for ds. Anyone been in a similar position?

Leaving your child in decent childcare is NOT leaving them to fend for themselves :)

You know that.

Good childcare workers don't love the kids like a mother does, but they do care for them and want the best for them.

The hard thing is finding childcare you are happy with, so maybe start looking at your options now so you don't have to make the best of something you aren't happy with because you are in a hurry.

I think you should go and look at some nurseries and visit some childminders with an open mind, and you may be pleasantly surprised. I am the complete opposite of you, as I have no difficulty believing that nice well trained women (who didn't get woken up in the night) will in fact be better at looking after DD than me. I don't mean that they love her more (if at all) but at least they love DC as a whole enough to want to spend all their work time with them.

DH and I were a bit apprehensive about visiting nurseries but when we found the right one, not only were we happy for DD to go there but we would really have rather liked to hang out there ourselves rather than go to work! It looked immense fun!

As regards your DH, a bit of hands-on time at the weekend is very little compared to doing it all the time. He is a beginner, basically. I have had to try really hard to let my DH do things in his own way and not interfere, but I was determined not to as I have seen it cause problems in so many relationships when the main carer constantly criticises and hovers over the other parent. Your DH is no doubt aware that you think (probably correctly) that he's crap at childcare compared to his mum, your mum and sis. Don't accept that!

One thing that works for us is when we are disagreeing over some parenting issue I say 'we are both beginners at this, we need to give ourselves a break'. Give yourself a break too. It's a pretty hard adjustment.

I agree with other posters that some counselling might help especially if you are serious about getting back to work.

Thank you Phineyj and JoinYourPlayfellows for your discerning and thoughtful replies and a general thank you to everyone who has replied. I was really doubtful and a bit scared of posting this. However, I think I have really benefited from the collective wisdom of mumsnet to realise that I am probably being a little hard on DH but at the same time need to trust him more to look after Ds as that is the only way he will improve. To be honest I would put him in the top four list to look after ds (my dsis would be number 5 cause she is having a baby which is her priority right now naturally ) but definitely need to work to look at him being just as capable as me of keeping ds alive. Im still internally struggling with the idea of leaving ds with someone I don't know well and I really dont know how I will overcome that. I don't need to go back to work for financial reasons which is sort of adding to the guilt. I have applied for the job I want but I think whatever the outcome I will be happy and sad in parts.

Leaving your child in childcare is hard, feeling anxious about it is normal. However I do think your (totally understandable) issues from your childhood are making things harder for you. Would you consider counselling?

My OH used to be a bit like this. I used the Gina Ford book as a guide, and wrote down a basic routine for our son, so that if OH was alone with him, all he had to do was refer to the list to see what was needed. I also included little tips like 'he can only stay awake for about two hours at the most, so take note of when he wakes up', and 'if he is tired and won't sleep, go to bed with him, or just take him for a long walk in the buggy, he will fall asleep eventually'.

I did think at first it would 'belittle' my OH, but as he had never been around children before (the first time he had ever held a baby was about ten minutes after our boy was born!), and just didn't know what to do. He was not aware of nappy changes, feeding times, napping or anything at all.

Thanks for sharing your experiences KingRollo. I have to admit when I read the bit about your DH falling asleep drunk on the sofa with your DD I was a bit and then about having meltdowns about the bath being too cold. I can see that he is improving as ds is getting older and is starting to want him more too. I think people show love and affection differently too. I'm very expressive so will gush over ds, play with him, buy him loads of stuff and give him a lot of attention whilst dh doesn't do big showy acts of love like that. However I know when push comes to shove we are his first priority. I know what you mean about feeling more human and not just a mum. Whenever Im away from ds even if Im just walking to the shops which are 10 minutes away I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. Even when he is asleep I still feel like there is a heavy burden of responsibility for another human being on my shoulders. Its only when I am away from him that I truly feel like I can switch off completely
as there is nothing I can do for him.

Its nice to know VisualiseAHorse that others had a similar experience. I dont know if I will have more luck writing a routine down for DH to follow. Maybe that was the problem. It probably went in one ear and out the other whilst a written list would be harder to ignore forget.

CailanDana I would love to talk to somebody outside of my family about how I feel. However I cant really afford counselling at the moment and don't know how I would go about getting it. Since I have had ds it has hit me harder about what happened to me as a child. Ds is around the age I was when I lost my mother and I feel like she must have had no bond with me to walk away from me like that. I cant remember anything but I imagine how ds would feel if I was to just suddenly disappear and it makes me feel so sad. Especially since like me now he would probably eventually forget everything. Deep down I fear that by putting him in childcare I am forcing him to detach from me and that our bond will be weaker. I know its ridiculous. I have adult friends who are really close to their parents despite being put in childcare quite young but I still fear that.

Our routine was stuck next to the kettle (where he would be prepping bottles). I kept it as simple as possible like...
7am feed of 5oz
9am change nappy, put to bed
When baby wakes, change nappy
11am feed of 5oz etc.

Tip - always wake for a feed at required time. Don't force him to take a whole feed. Don't forget to burp.

I kept it to an a5 page, so I wouldn't be tempted to waffle on.

It is a little patronising, but he just didn't know what was right or wrong. Now, at 18 months, there's no written routine, and sometimes he has his lunch later than I'd like, but as long as baby is fed, nappy changed etc when I get in from work, I don't mind.

Are you in contact with your mother now?
Your feelings are not ridiculous in the slightest, they are completely understandable given your history. You can access counselling through your gp.

Hi Crescent. Yes I have had similar advice off of family and friends in the past about needing to let go so that DH can step up but just need to implement it.

KingRollo I have made a lot of excuses for my birth mother in the past and that did help me think that I had come to terms with it. However since Ive had ds the gravity of what she did has hit me harder. I worry about ds when I leave him with family for a few hours yet she walked away without any care about what would happen to me and for years had no contact and no way of knowing whether I was being looked after adequately. I could have had the worst life imaginable and she wouldn't have known or have been able to change that. Also now I realise how draining having a baby is and how much care and time a baby actually needs, the thought that I had a mother who probably resented me and possibly mistreated me because of that makes me sad. I also feel guilty that my dm who raised me (not bio mum) did all of that for me and I wasn't even her child. It makes me appreciate her more but also feel a sense of gratitude towards her like she did me a favour and it wasnt an obligation on her to do those things for me like it would be for a biological mother. But I know she did it all out of love.

CailanDana I am now in contact with her but its all quite complicated and messy. I can understand and cant understand at the same time. I would like to deal with my feelings but am scared of how much anger and hurt will come spewing out. I dont have the time right now to indulge that and I need to be emotionally stable for ds.

I would argue that you need to deal with this for your ds's sake. It's normal for problems from your own childhood to become an issue after you have a baby. It sounds like your feelings about your bio mother is making your relationship with ds and dh more complicated and stressful than they need to be and that could cause problems in the future.

I know ultimately I have to deal with it at some point. Thank you for the advice about going to the gp to get access to counselling and for not making me feel like a complete weirdo. I think I will try that when I feel I'm ready. I'm hopeful and positive for the future after reading the responses on this thread. You have gently steered me in the right direction rather then traumatically dragging me kicking and screaming like I was expecting. If anyone else wants to benefit from this thread you are welcome to hijack with your own similar concerns. I have gleaned the benefit I needed from it. Thanks all.

Hi OP, I sort of know how you feel about your biomum. My mother was abusive and its not until you become a mother yourself that you 'get' how shitty it is what they did to us as kids. In your case being abandoned and in mine being abused.

I worry constantly that I will somehow subconciously turn into my mother and treat my kids awfully, I then overcompensate and DH says the kids will end up knowing how to walk all over me. My DH is very hands on, he did 6 months paternity leave with DC1. Apart from breastfeeding DH is as good a parent as me, probably better because he doesn't have all the worries I have.

In the beginning DH had no clue either, but he soon got into a routine which suited them both, but not the one I had been following. DH then read all the books, signed up to the websites and started to learn to do it properly and not just wing it.

I can assure you we still have some great, 'I wouldn't do it that way,' arguments even now. Mostly I go running at the first whimper because I want to be the best mum I can. DH will let the kids fall over, wait to see if they bounce or cry, or he let's them cry themselves to sleep a bit for a minute or two before rushing to them (and now they are good sleepers for it).

Also putting DC1 into nursery really helped her develop. She gets to socialise and interact with others and enjoys herself a lot. I think its much better for her to go and spend time away from her neurotic mum and yes its heartbreaking when they go in for the first time but its all good in the end!

A clueless dad writes: At the age of 36, I 2as presented with a tiny creature who gave me a disdainful look. 5 days later I was videoed dropping her her on her face (only an inch, and onto the changing mat).

I learned because I was allowed to make mistakes. Such as:

Haggis with red pepper marmalade looks exactly like a GI bleed on the way out.

If they go quiet at swimming, it's hypothermia.

Don't leave beer in reach.

If you tickle them too much, you will regret it.

Farting is not a competitive sport.

She lived.

I would make a regular weekend activity which is for you so he always has his Saturday mornings with ds while you go to the swimming pool or something. If you are feeling a sense of relief when you are away from ds (a normal feeling!) then you clearly need it.

Childminders can be fantastic. My children became 'part of the family' and still go round even though she has given up childminding.

You can get counselling. It sounds like you have hit the stage where you could benefit frim talking through your experience. I think it is quite usual for someone in your position to react like that. I have a friend who was adopted at 6 months. When his first child was 6 months he got so angry with his mum.

You sound like you're a great parent, OP. I think the thing you need to weigh up is can you be with someone like your DP, whose standards differ so very much from your own, going forward? To be honest, I think it's pretty slack that he couldn't be arsed to change a nappy (and doesn't notice changes are needed), the bottles not being sterilised situation is dangerous, not just a bit daft and don't get me started on the 'he's a man, so doesn't know much about babies' theory. One presumes he could have just as easily as you picked up a copy of 'What to Expect' or whatever.

DH and I have had words since DD arrived two years ago - I remember yelling at him more than I ever have before when he picked up DD and didn't support her head when she was tiny. And I'd do it again. You as an adult have the ability and knowledge to protect your child. Your child can't change his own nappy, get himself food and so on. If your DP is neglecting basic needs then either he needs to change or you need to change the situation so that he is properly cared for. I know that may sound harsh to some, but basic safety when it comes to childcare is non-negotiable in my book.