What happens when Granddparents make no effort?

[MommyBird]

I have posted before about my PIL but now i really need some help as i feel this situation is getting really silly now.

I'll give you abit of back story first of what used to happen.

We have a DD1. MIL refused to stop smoking around her as it was her house and she'll do what she wants in it, if it bothers us that much don't bring her up.
So we didn't. She comes to our house once a week to visit.
My husband then worked part time. MIL also works part time, they both finished about 1/2 in the afternoon ao he would drive to pick her up from work, take her home, drive her to our house, she would sit on the sofa, moan for an hour, drink tea and then husband would take her home.
This worked fine untill she started cancelling alot saying that it was awkward for her.
So we set days aside which was best for her, she'd cancel..we asked when it was best for her which was evenings so they came down then, still cancelled, then changed to weekends, she'd cancel..this went on and on. my husband was allways the one taxing her about. she has never made any effort.

It was allways last minite or the night before. we would change and cancel plans, we'd waste weekends/days off where she would cancel.
We would invite her on days out, meals out and she would accept..then cancel.
We had a word with her about it and she flipped, mananged to turn it round onto us, blame us,.moaned shw didnt see dd1 enough etcetc.
This went on for about 3 years..guilt trips, bending over backwards, us making all of the effort, going out of our way for her..so on.

About 4/5 months ago FIL got a car. They could only do weekends. Fine. So for a few months (still cancelling btw!) they came down either sat or sun afternoon.
Weekends were so awkward for us cause of how early my husband had to get up for work and other reasons but we didnt say anything and let them come down.

Now almost 4 years old.
Husband is now working full time, up early every day of the week and is finishing alot later (say about 4/5)
dd1 has started Nursery 5 days a week and has to be there at 8am, and we now have a 4 week old dd2 who is nocturnal..all this happened within a month. its.hectic and exhausting!

Due to husbands new hours we cant do weekend visits anymore as there arn't enough hours in the weekend.
We told MIL weeks before that within that 1 month what would be happening so she could organise transport/buses. she ignored us.

We told her weekday visits would be best, she finishes early, the bus stop is right outside her work and brings her round the corner from our house, she catches them every day to and from work, she is early 40's, healtly and lives about 10-15 mins away by car..30 mins by bus..5 afternoons to choose from.
She refused and wanted my husband to pick her up from work..he couldnt due to his hours (she wanted him to pick her up the day i'd given birth to dd2 after being awake for 24+ hours!)

Its now been 3 weeks since she has seen our girls as the ball is in her court now to organise herself and to make the effort. This doesnt sound alot to some people but if we hadn't of picked her up when it was down to my husband, there would of been a massive argument and we would of been denying her access to them.

Its annoyed us both SO much as for years we had to make the effort and go out of our way so she could come down.
Now its down to her she cant be bothered.
They arn't short of money so they could even catch a taxi!
FIL texted to say that she misses the girls so much.
If she does, why doesnt she come and see them!?

What would you do?
Would you just leave her to it?

I think ive covered everything. Sorry its so long!

I would leave them to it. Your children do not need such disinterested grandparents in their lives, they need positive role models around them.

I'm mid 40s and an ex agoraphobic.

Even I say, sod her, leave her to it.

She clearly has no interest in anyone but herself. She's probably one of those saddos that 'are to young to be a grandmother'

I doubt i'll live long enough to be a GM myself, and being a GM is a real privilege.

Get on with your own life and forget about her.

I know this hurts, but you haven't done anything wrong.

(((hug)))

Leave them to it.

My PILS are far more disinterested than this! They've only visited DD once off their own back (they live 90 mins away) and she's nearly a year old. They never ring the house phone (presumably in case I pick up) and rarely ring DH anyway.

I've given up. I'd rather she had no contact with them, than negative contact where she can pick up that they're not that arsed!

I would definitely leave her to it. Don't get dragged back in to doing it all for her. Make it clear she is more than welcome at any of the times you've said you can do. If and when she complains that she misses the girls, reply along the lines of "they miss you too, I hope you can come and see them soon." It sounds like she is more than capable of getting to you if she really wants, but for some reason she needs everyone running round after her. It sounds like you and your DH just don't have the time energy or inclination to do that any more with everything else going on! Congrats on your new baby though!

Thank you ladies, i'll think we'll do just that.

It just makes me really angry. My husband is use to it (she's allways been like it apparently)

Our dd1 is coming back from Nursery with paintings and new songs that she's learned, she loves it! and dd2 is now smiling!! i just look at them and they amaze me, i cant believe she's missing out on all of this, them growing all because she refuses to catch one bus!

Our bestfriends have seen them more than her, have texted asking about them and fitting in when is best for us regarding visiting.
and one is holidaying is flordia yet still rang to check how we are!

The part you'll have to grit your teeth about is the part where she goes around saying you're stopping her from seeing the DCs - because you can count on that. Her expectation is that the world revolves around her (and FIL enables that) - anything less than that is perceived as an insult/slight. You, however, know what is objectively 'reasonable' and will have to hold fast to that against the storms of her tantrums. Never cancel your plans because she says she's going to visit, and only offer lifts/pickups if it genuinely doesn't inconvenience you. She's demonstrated repeatedly that she doesn't appreciate it.

Nothing you can do. Just leave them be.

How very dare she make ANY demands on a family that is dealing with a 4 week old?

You can continue to chase after her to manufacture support her relationship with DH and your DC.

OR she can make an effort to (at the verrry least) meet you half way.

By running after her, you are giving her all the power in the relationships to her. Is that what you want to teach DC?
By drawing a boundary, you will support your own little family, and teach your DC self-respect.
If she wants in to your little circle, she needs to make an effort and show respect (none of which she is doing at the moment).

So, I would continue to be available (if she wants to come to you at a time suitable to you) but making no effort other than answering the phone/door.

I think she likes the idea of being a granddparent..and thats it.
My DD1 has asked her many times 'are you going home yet?' its horrible. me and my husband dont know where to put our face..yet it still hasn't made her make more of an effort!

Dd1 never asks about her and mil doesnt know anything about her as she see's her so little.
Its sad really. husband is an only child so these are her only grandkids.

Leave them to it. IME kids know who they connect with and who they don't. Your DD's clearly not a fan. I had one CBA granny and one who was fully involved in my life. I miss the latter every day but I didn't even go to the other one's funeral.

That doesn't sound that disinterested to me. Awkward yes, but she has had a fair amount of contact.

My grandparents chose to move 150 miles away when I was 18 months old and saw me once or twice a year. That I consider disinterested. It's a shame I never really got to know them, but it was their choice.

She has hardley any contact and has done for weeks. i looked in my diary and in 7 weeks she's been to ours 3 times :(

she allways moans how we aren't making anytime for her, she misses the girls so much and loves them, how awkward we are being. Eurgh.

She texts every week or so asking how 'my grandchilren are' and i know it sounds petty but it makes my blood boil! It feels like she has no right call them that or sound so possesive of them seeing as she cant be bothered with them! My husband used to go into detail about how they are..and she'd never reply. grr.
So he just says they're fine.
Hes tempted to say '..why dont you come and see for yourself!?'

He's not the arsey type tho!

Your MIL cannot even be bothered to talk to you on the phone; that is also indicative as to how disinterested she is really.

Not all grandparents are kind and loving.

Boy she sounds like hard work (and ignorant regarding the smoking thing). Regarding your FIL's text, could you not just say "you are always more than welcome." It's clear and to the point, but you must leave it up to them to do the running and stop pandering to her pathetic insecurities.

If she visited every so often, once a month or whatever and it was/had been allways like that i'd have no problem as both parties are happy.

But it hasn't. When it was down to us picking her up she allways let us know how she wants to see dd1 more, how once a week isnt enough for her and she only gets to see her for an hour a week.

We have never said how long or often she could come down. she just expected my husband to pick her up more than once a week.
(or maybe she was just saying it to make herself look good and we're the bad ones denying this?)

now its down to her, she cant be bothered. 3 weeks is a long time considering once a week wasnt enough only a few months ago..

I think we'll just leave her to it. its upto her now.
Thank you for the advice :)

Sounds a little like my mil, shes seen ds4 5 times (3 of those was because we took them to her) hes nearly 8 months

She refuses to come to us even though she lives a 5 min drive away, doesnt work and has just bought a lovely new top of the range jeep to go visit her friends who live an hour away.

She bought my dcs selection boxes for xmas yhe year before last and took dsils dcs to disney land.

I think we are better off without her

For goodness sake stop chasing her, she loves it. Continue your life as you would. They know where you live, you have never stopped them seeing GC if they moan, simply point that out. As for the cancelling thing we have been in that boat- but after they cancelled Christmas at theirs on 23rd dec at 8pm while I was 8m pregnant, never again

Leave her to it-& don't get sucked into feeling bad for her.

It's disappointing for you but is causing more stress then fun so why not just say you're both so busy just now with work/ new baby that you can't pick her up etc and hopefully you'll see more of GPs when DD2 is older (which might be the case). And just leave DM to get on with it if and when it suits her.

I had PND after dd1 and my husband took dd1 almost every day, i couldnt go as we had a mini (car!) and i couldnt get in.
She was very maniplative (sp)

A few weeks after it all got too much and i had a melt down, told my husband everything (he had no clue) and the visits stopped, changed to once a week and only when i was well enough.
This caused an argument, we was (again) denying her access to dd1..no.concern about me.

I had counselling throughout my 2nd pregnancy as i was scared it would all happen again..(so much happened honestly!) i had anxiety too.

Its only since then we have realised what a cow she has been, we both have had tips on saying 'no' and being assertive :)
it has worked alot.

She made it all out to be our fault and never ever asys sorry. ever.
We believed it for a while but not now. :)

Good, glad you have made a decision. She sounds dreadful.

Leave her to it.

PIL live abroad, DS is 15yo and has seen PIL once a year (in the days when we could afford to take him) until 9yo DD was born - she has seen PIL twice; PIL have seen their other GCs a handful of times.

Ok so they live in Europe, BUT they come back to the UK to visit friends once a year, and they find the money to go somewhere hot in the winter, they are loaded, so it is not a shortage of cash that is the problem. They could skype, facetime, call or even being old fashioned, write letters. They chose not to do any of those and spend their time drinking at the golf club.

It is not a relationship that I can continue to chase, it upsets DH and confuses the DCs, it has taken us a long time to accept and stand back from. IMO you don't need that stress with a young baby OP.

You have been more than accomodating,MB. At this point, well, actually some time previously, I would just say that you can not make her be present/involved/caring. I can not say if it is a power dynamic or not, perhaps it does not matter.

Stop doing the dance. When you stop giving her this attention, her subsequent tantrums and nastiness is all on her-it is her choice to behave that way...pay her no mind. Pay fil no mind either.

Have you tried meeting her at the park/playground? Do not tell the dc, but see if she will meet up on neutral ground. If she does not show up, the dc still get to play.

As these are your ils, I'd put a boundary in place and let dh be the diplomatic ambassador to his side of the family...just keep handing the phone to him.

Congrats on your lovely new baby

I also have 2 DCs and a similar MIL. It is crap.

My in-laws have a car each and both are retired. Do they come up to visit? Not a chance. Maybe once every 8 weeks if we ask them enough times. DS is at nursery 5 days a week, so isn't like we can pop down to see them whenever we fancy.

Phonecalls maybe once a fortnight, set list of questions to DH from parents:
Hows work? Hows church? Hows the garden? How are the kids?

We have asked her if she would like to come to the pub for lunch/park/shopping..lots of things but she cancels most of them..and because she finishes work in the afternoon we used to have to wait for her to finish work..then she's cancel last minite and we'd waste the whole day.
She won't meet anywhere as she would ask to be picked up. My husband took our dd1 to her house about half an hour after coming from the hospital from giving birth :( she is very lazy.

She never asks how we are. at all. she didnt even ask how i was after giving birth. no congrats or anything. just 'wheres my new granddaughter' both pregnancies i have just felt like a vessel that birthed her granddchildren.

After writing this all out, i cant see why im allowing her to see my kids..i think its because its my husband mom..but theres only so much we can let her get away with..when do i say this is enough, you've had enough chances?

Even if we tell her to sod off, she'll turn it round and blame us :(
my husband is very much as sick of everything as i am, he's just let her get away with it alot longer than me.