getting cheesed off with friends and their funny ways

[Moomin]

Dh's best friend is a lovely bloke, godfather to our eldest, was best man at our wedding and he and dh think the world of one another.

We like having friends round and throwing parties and are generally very sociable. This couple are invited and come to most parties or nights that we organise and we all have a lovely time. EXCEPT... we have NEVER bee invited to theirs for an evening, not a meal, not a joint takeaway night (sharing cost), not even drink and crisps or anything like that. Even if we go for an afternoon the hospitality stops at a coffee. Once we were offered a biscuit! One day when dh took dd1 round do he and his bf could watch some football, dh had to go to the local bakery to buy dd1 a pastie as she was so hungry (I did warn him to take a sandwich but he thought i was being ridiculous!).

The wife of another couple we know has joked about this to me - they too have always been very good hosts to us all and have spotted that it's never reciprocated. We've worked out that the gf of dh's bf is a 'nervy' type and i think would feel a lot of pressure having anyone over for a meal or anything but still, it's starting to get on my nerves a bit.

And there's another aspect too: We threw a bbq on the day of england's 1st match and everyone brought a banger and a bottle. we all had a great time but then dh saw his bf taking the meat he'd brought back home with him after the party as it hadn't been eaten!! He's done this before at bbq's and we think it's hilarious, of a bit strange. He'll do this with wine as welleither take the bottle home with him or try to neck it at the end of the night!!

In other ways they are a super couple - they are also very generous with presents on the dds' b'days and christmas (too generous really, they spend about £30 on each) and he would do anything for dh. Now dh has suggested we see them on sunday for the next england match. when he mentioned it to his bf, he immediately said they would come over to ours, which i think it's a bit cheeky given the entertaining we've done recently, but i know if we go to theirs we';ll need to take a 'picnic' as they won't offer to feed us.
am i being unreasonable in feeling pissed off now? i've told dh i can't bothered going there and i don't want to entertain here (esp as we're skint). I just don't think they have any idea how much it costs to entertain and so it isn't a big deal to them.

god they sound so stingy and mean! especially the taking food home at the end of the barbecue.i would ..gosh i don't know what i would do.maybe host the next thing and get dh to take his friend with him when he does the shopping so tht he can get some idea of how much money you are spending.

some people. I have had a similar-ish situation with dh's best man and his partner and although I have felt quite hurt I have simply accepted there is nothing I can do. the guy in question was a very close friend of mine as well as dh's and at times a real confidante and support to me. but not any more. his gf is very nice but it took YEARS for her to socialise with us at all. he continued the lads bit of his social life - (pub, football, cards - usual stuff) which included dh, but for literally about 3 or 4 years I barely saw him, because they just wouldn;t come and see us at a couple. we too are quite frequent entertainers, and they simply used to avoid/wriggle out of invites. we have now reached the stage where they will accept invites but they have NEVER been reciprocated. dh might go round to watch footie/play cards if this girl is out, but that's it. I think in 7 odd years I have had one cup of tea at their house. I find it very sad and there is a bit of hurt there, but I know there is nothing I cna do to change this. so i have accepted a shift in our friendship. I adore this guy so would never ever give him up - in essence I'm prepared to accept the friendship as it is, coz it's still worth having. but he has lost a certain closeness with us and it was his doing, not ours.

Oh hell. I'd better start inviting people back!

Just joking. Totally agree Moomin I would be cross too as it seems to be so consistent.

We do have some friends who we must invite back but I am not confident enough to cook for people and would find it very hard to do so. Perhaps we will have a take away or we might even get a BBQ and do that!

We sort of have this situation with another couple we know and again it's the man in the partnership that is our good friend, he married a girl who clearly only likes some of our group of friends and this does include us two. We were once invited round for a meal there and we asked if another couple had been invited who we normally all socialise with at once, turns out my friends wife had told him to ring the other couple and tell them that they could come but they'd have to sit on the couch because there wasn't enough room at the table and bring their own food . Needless to say the other couple declined. Just to make it clear this wasn't a dinner party it was simpy a few fajitas (packet mix) before we all had drinks together so would be quite easy to get/make more.

We have this problem too.Everytime we have bbq everyone else brings things but not them.He is dh best friend.We have had them around for dinner and have never once been over there in 8 years.Another thing he earns more money than dh has less children .They are rolling in it but you would think they are poor

We had friends like this too. It would really annoy me, especially as they would invite themselves (in a nice are-you-doing-anything-this-weekend way) and we'd go out of the way to lay on a spread. In the end we were quite open about it and in a jokey way we said, come on then, so when are you going to cook for us for a change? We did also say, come on let's share a takeaway at your house (in case they had a cooking for others phobia). Finally they got the hint and we got our invite. They cooked us a lovely meal. It still tends to be 5 to 1 at our house, but at least we don't feel 'used' any more.

ledodgy that is outrageous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Skipping the next England match as an issue, I'd suggest next time you have them over for dinner, at the end of the meal say "this was great fun, we must do it again soon". Get out diaries (or just run through availability) to arrive at a date, then (once you know they are definitely free that evening) say (nicely) "I know - why don't we come to you for a change? It gets a bit sameish always having everything here." That puts them on the spot without being confrontational about it. Or if you want to be even less confrontational, skip the agreeing on a date part and go for "this was great fun, we must do it again soon -- although why don't we ring the changes a bit and have us come to you? I don't think I've ever tried your cooking."

Alternatively, if you can't wait until after the World Cup match, have them over to yours as suggested but don't feed them. Offer them a cup of tea and maybe a biscuit but don't have any beer or snacks (you may need to feed up you and your DDs in advance -- in fact if you do then it gives you an "out" should they mention food, you can say breezily "Oh, we thought it was a good day for 'brunch' today so we've already eaten".

While this guy may be a lovely bloke, he demonstrably will not "do anything" for your DH. He won't, for example, feed his starving daughter, or donate to him even the dregs of a bottle of wine.

when dh and his bf talk about it again tonight or tomorrow i think i will get dh to say 'moomin doesn't fancy coming over as it'll be at tea-time and the girls will need feeding' and see what he says. (probably 'oh that's ok we'll come to you then like i said in the first place' !!) thing is, if they did come to us, there's no way i'd let them sit there throughout the whole match without laying on drinks and nibbles at the very least! and to decide not to do it makes me feel mean and petty.

dh and i have discussed this behaviour many times. we have comcluded that he is a bit socially inept in a few ways. we often go out for meals with them and the bloke is reknowned for getting really drunk before we've even eaten, which kind of spoils the meal i think. i'd rather drink gradually over a night if we go out for a meal or i feel ill and don't fancy eating. it's like he's got a 'pack' mentality like puppies get - they wolf down their food because they're so scared another dog will eat their share. When he's paid for something, it's like he's got to get the last dregs of it or take it back with him or he feels like he's missed out! i think he'd pass out if i showed him how much it costs to lay on a meal for guests.

and yet, i'd say he is a great bloke. he was a fabulous best man and nothing was too much trouble for him when organising the stag night and sorting out the logistics at the wedding. we once went out for a meal for his birthday (6 of us) and he refused to let us pay at the end of the night. and like i said, he spoils the kids rotten! it's so weird

this is unbelievable!!! flabbergasted. my brother is autistic and he's learnt that when people come round to his place he must offer drinks before the meal etc. he's pretty good at it! no excuse imo.

there's socially inept and then SOCIALLY INEPT! if you really like this guy, you should try to get to the bottom of it. is it really worth losing him as a friend because you don't want to broach the subject? and wierd as they're not skint in that they buy nice presents. do they pay their way when you go out for a meal? have you ever heard of them having someone round for dinner?

there have been loads of good suggestions to get them to reciprocate. i'd go for one of them.

my god. how inhospitable. and rude too imo. i'm totally intrigued. can't believe people behave like this. they clearly need to learn some social etiquette.

sorry - didn't see your last post...

i think we do need to tackle it. it used to be amusing (in a 'oh my god he's unbelievable'-type of way) but it's pissing me off now. i really don't think he realises how he comes across. another for instance: when we meet up for a meal we'll often meet in a pub. if they get there before us and have a drink on the go we'll still walk over and offer to buy them one as we're at the bar. even if he's got a full pint going he'll ask for a short, just so he doesn't miss out!

dh has just phoned from work actually and we've been talking about it. he's going to ring the girlfriend this afty and suggest we go to them and then ask what we're doing about food and just see what she says.

and what you said about your brother, warthog - this might show that, for some people, social niceties need to be taught. if you compare dh's parents with this guy, dh's parents were always entertaining and there were lots of people round at weekends etc. this guy's mum and dad were very isolated and their relationship was (and still is) very stilted. they are a very funny couple (not in a good way!) and some of it must have rubbed off on this bloke.

Message withdrawn

tbh I'd just not invite them over any more.

My parents had friends who came to stay with us out of the blue. They went out for a meal and didn't offer to pay their share, then my dad and the guy went out and bought beer and bought 2 6-packs between them and paid half each. between them they drank one of the 6-packs, then the next day they were leaving and on their way out the woman picked up the other 6-pack of beer and said "oh we'll take Ray's beers as you didn't drink those". Think my mother was speechless for the first time ever. Needless to say we never saw them again.

On the other side of the coin though, my dh had two friends at uni, one was very socially strange etc and had very strange parents. The other went to their house for dinner one night and took a bottle of wine (as you do). They had a lovely meal, then as he was leaving his friend's dad gave him back the bottle of wine he had brought. Equally rude imo.

Message withdrawn

We have quite a large cirle of friend who gather at one or anothers house four/five times a year. (we all life 150/200 miles apart.). What we do to saev anyone being out of pocket is when we arrive the women generally leave kids with Dh's go to the nearest supermarket have a coffe and a chat and then do the shopping for the weekend and split the cost. That way whether it is a BBQ or Buffet or sunday lunch nobody is out of pocket. Of course whoevers house it is at provide staples as in tea/coffee/butter etc. This has been perfect as sometimes there are five couples with kids and the weekends food costs us about £25 per couple. Also us ladies get a couple of hours out chatting without the kids listening and the blokes moaning.

Is this something you could suggest as in don't bring any wine for the match me and your DW can call to Sainsburys to pick stuff up and go halves on it?

circle of friends

My DH' uncle (who is very generous) tells a story of how he and a friend went to a friend's for dinner. The wife cooked a joint of beef, she brought it out with potatoes etc, there was one potato and a small portion of veg for everyone, but this massive joint of beef, which she carved but gave each person one slice only. Then during dinner the guy started waxing lyrical about how wonderful it was when his wife cooked a joint of beef, because the reast of this joint could now be cut up and frozen for future meals for the family. (it's worth noting that they lived in a 5 bedroom house and were by no means badly off). So DH' uncle and friend had seconds, much to the horror of the hosts, and still the guy was going on about his joint, so dh' uncle and friend finished it off.

dh and I have discussed this in general terms (not specific to the guy I mentioned earlier) and we just reckon that some people naturally incline to being hospitable/to entertaining and some don't. In our circle of friends there are some us who will have a couple of parties a year and lots of small dinners, and there are some who never do. sometimes it grates a bit but the truth is we enjoy entertaining. dh will spend a small fortune ordering top quality fish or meat from specialist shops and will quite often spend all day cooking from his Raymond Blanc book - but, basically it's one of his hobbies. On the other hand there's many an occassion when we've had a bad day with the girls and people are coming round for dinner and we've just thought, bugger it, we'll get a take away - and I think both enjoying the full-on entertaining approach and feeling relaxed enough to dispense with it when it's going to be pita is the key skill - and I agree that it has a lot to do with the examples we were set as kids. Both dh and I had our parents' friends coming and going all the time, and both sets of parents could go either way, depending on how they felt, so basically it's never been a big deal. I have a bit of sympathy for someone who really can't entertain and enjoy. I think you sometimes have to accept that some are like that. having said all that those that are should bring extra wine, and the odd box of chocs or flowers wouldn't go amiss, and certainly NOT try to take wine home. I wouldn;'t try to force this guy into having you round, it might be really miserable/stressful for him; but I might find a way of letting him know that if that's the deal he needs to consciously make up for it in other ways. and as for being there when the kids are - can you really not just say "you don;t mind if I make dd a cheese sarnie?" how could he say no?

I think your expectations may be a little too high here. Meals and home based hospitality often aren't nearly as important to those without kids imo and they therefore don't organise stuff. They can go out any time they want at the drop of a hat without worrying about organising babysitters etc and they don't need to plan food in the same way that people with children do so won't necessarily have stuff in- they have more freedom to pop out and get food as needed. Also they usually just don't realise that kids need regular feeding, ime. They may even think they're doing you a favour in going round to yours so frequently, thinking that they are making the effort to continue seeing you even though you are shakled to the house by the chains that are your children.

He does sound a bit stingy taking his meat home with him though! Lol.

Moomin they sound frankly wierd and socially inept, just accept them as they are because I'd imagine pulling them up on it may cause real offense.

I come from a family where entertaining was the most popular pastime, my family would have casual lunch parties with all their friends regularly, every Sunday after mass was open house for coffee and cakes. And so as I grew up I automatically enjoyed entertaining and all my friends did too. A dinner party was often the best and cheapest way for all of us to hang out, chat and get really pissed.

However since I have moved to England, I have found this much less popular. I have invited plenty of peole around but rarely get invited back. Not sure whether it's a cultural thing or if dp just knows really unsophisticated people
But basically I'm not going to stop inviting people around because I really enjoy entertaining, I've just decided not to bother getting offended when we are not asked back!

pmsl at some of these stories. in case anyone's thinking that we're horrible/mean for sometimes inviting people over for dinner and then getting a take away we always pay for it in those circumstances.

Can you not just say to them, ok, come round, I'll do snacks can you bring X and Y?