getting cheesed off with friends and their funny ways

[Moomin]

Dh's best friend is a lovely bloke, godfather to our eldest, was best man at our wedding and he and dh think the world of one another.

We like having friends round and throwing parties and are generally very sociable. This couple are invited and come to most parties or nights that we organise and we all have a lovely time. EXCEPT... we have NEVER bee invited to theirs for an evening, not a meal, not a joint takeaway night (sharing cost), not even drink and crisps or anything like that. Even if we go for an afternoon the hospitality stops at a coffee. Once we were offered a biscuit! One day when dh took dd1 round do he and his bf could watch some football, dh had to go to the local bakery to buy dd1 a pastie as she was so hungry (I did warn him to take a sandwich but he thought i was being ridiculous!).

The wife of another couple we know has joked about this to me - they too have always been very good hosts to us all and have spotted that it's never reciprocated. We've worked out that the gf of dh's bf is a 'nervy' type and i think would feel a lot of pressure having anyone over for a meal or anything but still, it's starting to get on my nerves a bit.

And there's another aspect too: We threw a bbq on the day of england's 1st match and everyone brought a banger and a bottle. we all had a great time but then dh saw his bf taking the meat he'd brought back home with him after the party as it hadn't been eaten!! He's done this before at bbq's and we think it's hilarious, of a bit strange. He'll do this with wine as welleither take the bottle home with him or try to neck it at the end of the night!!

In other ways they are a super couple - they are also very generous with presents on the dds' b'days and christmas (too generous really, they spend about £30 on each) and he would do anything for dh. Now dh has suggested we see them on sunday for the next england match. when he mentioned it to his bf, he immediately said they would come over to ours, which i think it's a bit cheeky given the entertaining we've done recently, but i know if we go to theirs we';ll need to take a 'picnic' as they won't offer to feed us.
am i being unreasonable in feeling pissed off now? i've told dh i can't bothered going there and i don't want to entertain here (esp as we're skint). I just don't think they have any idea how much it costs to entertain and so it isn't a big deal to them.

oh, Moomin, we have a similar couple of friends like this. it's like they expect to come and be wined and dined at ours but wouldn't dream of ever reciprocating! SO odd and very annoying and now I'm thinking about it I'm thinking that is the LAST time we invite them!!

I was invited to a friend's house for a weekend house party in the South of France. She sold as all "oh lovely cheap weekend just the Easyjet fare to pay, £30 if you book now etc". Great, thinks I, this'll be like the kind of thing I have organised in the past where friends come for the w/e and you have bought in some food & cook etc & they bring wine and washing up gloves.

Needless to say, booked flight, then friend said, "o sorry I have over invited you will need to stay in local hotel. And promised lift is not forthcoming because car now full so you will need to get a cab". Immediately £300 outlay ... she saw I was re-considering the invite but said, "don't worry will be fab cheapy weekend when we get there can hang out by pool, ahve BBQ etc".

Get there after much hassle and ££, arrive at house where drinkies are being served, only to be told that I will need to stump up for my alcohol + food kitty now as the others have already been to hypermarket and got stuff in ... ok... and that dinner has been booked at a restaurant ... next day pitch up there for expected dip in pool and BBQ, but no, friend has decided that we need to do a 2 hr walk to local freshwater spring & pack our own sarnies as too much hassle to BBQ ... evening meal was then at her house with personal chef (this is a bit more like I thought) .... but she had the cheek to send me & everyone else a bill (!!!!) on return for other outlay, eg the f**king chef!!!! Outrageous.

Message withdrawn

maybe its because your house is much nicer than theirs. or you are just too good at cooking. take it as a compliment , or serve up something rank next time......

they have 2 kids actually - much older lad and baby of 14m. their house is much bigger and grander than ours but a bit 'show-homey' whereas our is a bit shambolic, so i guess they are maybe scared of the mess that being hosts can create. they make no bones of the fact they can't cook to save their lives, but i really couldn't care less what we eat, i'd just really like the opportunity to be invited over and them open a bag of crisps and take the lid off a few dips! i'd hate to think it's just meanness on their part, much easier to understand it all if it's down to insecurity on the gf's behalf, which also would be a shame, as i'd like to think we were better friends than that.

feel mean for dragging my heels over this weekend now - would much rather sit altogether and watch the match and the kids play together, but i've a feeling we're going to be taking a trip to tescos either way - as hosts or as guests who take a picnic!!!

It is rude. Not quite on the same scale, but dh took back the stuff that was leftover from our own contribution to an MN meet-up once. I could kind of see his point - no-one was going to eat it - but was still bloody embarrassed. Thing is, his parents were that 'never let anything go to waste' generation who were brought up in WWII so he won't let food be thrown away.

We have friends who we very rarely invite for a meal, but that's because they are both professional cooks and it's intimidating. I hope they understand!

In my opinion, people like this cannot take the hint; they need to have things spelled out to them. It's not necessarily meanness or anything like that, they just don't see it. I think your husband should have a word on the QT to his bf and tell him that it's not fair on you to allways cook etc. it would be nice to be invited to their house for supper, BBQ, brunch or whatever. If he is truely a good chap then it won't spoil the friendship.

There's some good advice on this thread.

We are natural entertainers, if you like. I think we also have a wide and varied group of friends. It has it's advantages, but my husband is generous to a fault and it does frustrate me that he doesn't share my annoyance at things like this - because it makes me look mean spirited.

I think the best advice is to play them at their own game.

I have one (particularly nice) friend, who despite this, never cooks if we go to her house. If, for example, we have a girls' night in, she will order pizza and expect us to split the cost, despite the fact that the other girls in the group will put food on at their own houses.

She isn't a confident cook, so I don't object to her not cooking, but I've never understood why she thinks we should pay.

Unfortunately, we've all got wise to it, so whenever we meet up these days, the host always orders pizza and makes everyone split the cost. It's such a shame because it's so boring, but people did get very tired of it

update: dh chickened out of saying anything; he said it was making him really uncomfortable, which is fair enough. I don't think i'd be bothered about this so much if i wasn't so knackered at the moment, we weren't so skint and if we hadn't played mein hosts recently (we also had a do at home after the dds' christening not long ago).

so anyway i rang them last night with the intention of speaking to the gf and sussing out how she recated to talk of a get-together but had to leave a message. i was very bright and breezy (i thought), mentioned the get-together and said should we come to them and let us know if they want us to bring anything like crisps... but we've heard nothing since. dh is getting paranoid and thinks there's something wrong. I think there obviously is an issue with thr whole thing - maybe she's freaked out about the thought of us all coming???!!! hard to say really. maybe she's a secret MNetter and has read this and will never speak to us all again!!

i feel awful now, i really don't want this to affect our friendship. i spose the moral of the tale is to shut up and put up with it. the status quo was working just fine until i got arsey about it but there again, maybe me and dh are being a paranoid.

nonononnoooooonooo the status quo wasn't working out. they weren't pulling their weight and you were totally justified in getting annoyed. i think you did well by saying they should have you over. it's about time! i'd leave it to her to make contact. she's probably absorbing the clear message that they are (for once) expected to actually do something.

ask them to bring the nibbles. just give them a ring - say - your more than welcome we love having you - however we are slightly skintish at the mo - can you bring some nibbles and a bottle of vino?

i am very fuckwitted in this regard - may i add.

i go round to epoples houses if invited and then just dont think to invite them back.

have just got intot he habit of inviting ds GFs parents in the house.

i think they have been told i am fuckwitted. - which is good. cos i am

I agree, the status quo was crap and everything was in their favour. I'd be incapable of just ignoring this tbh, it would really piss me off. I had a friend like this a few years back, she'd happily accept invitations to dinner with us, tea for children etc and would NEVER invite us back, it really got on my nerves adn I stopped inviting them in the end. Her ds was at that age where he said 'can I have whatever x is having' too so even a picnic in the park would mean I ended up splitting the food (nicer, more of it) I'd brought for my ds.

I think you should be honest: say 'we're knackered, we're skint, sorry, we can't do food tomorrow. If you want beer/food, bring it yourselves.' But I do appreciate that it's very easy for me to type and not as easy for you to say. I think they're bloody rude and taking the piss. They've got children, so they DO get that they need feeding (I was nearly swayed by Scums post until you said they had kids!), so they're just a) extremely tight, b) rude c) insensitive d) eccentric but surely they would be in other ways too? e) enjoying the gravy train that is your hospitality or f) a combination of the above. Taking wine and meat back is an EXTREME tightness/rudeness combination imo. Let us know what you do won't you?

came home this afty to a msg from him on our phone 'yes, let's get together tomorrow, we're fine for coming to you unless ds plays up - will ring you later' !!!

dh is out so i've texted him to say to ring or text his mate and say i've been snowed under with work this weekend, the house is a tip and there's no food in (not far from truth actually!) and see what he says. i've said if no invite is forthcoming then they're to go to the pub to watch it. i really can't be arsed entertaining AGAIN

this is madness

It is madness, you need to put your foot down imo, or rather, your dh does (since I'm assuming he's closer to him than you are?)

the thing is i'm sure it's some up before. every new year for a about 4 in a row, we used to host a new years eve do for about 8-10 of us. because it was usually in our house everyone would have a course to prepare and it was great night. this guy and his gf were always given the wine to buy for as they were known as crap cooks and cheerfully admitted it. we also took the piss royally out of the wine he brought on several occasions (eg bulgarian vinegar from lidls) and he seemed to take it in good grace on the whole and even asked dh's advice on which would be the better wine to buy!

at the time they were living in a tiny house and didn't have the baby and they used to say they'd start entertaining when they moved house but they never did. every so often if there are a few of us out someone will bring it up and say 'hey **, when are you having us all over you stingy bugger' and we all felt ok in chipping in then and taking the mickey. but still nothing ever came of it... and the more i think about it and discuss it in this thread the more i'm convinced it's an unfortunate mix of his social ineptitude and her neuroses about having people over and being 'judged' somehow, which is a sorry state of affairs given how long he and dh have been friends and how much they think of one another.

come up

yeah but it's gotten extreme now. they presumably got your message saying you'd come over, talked about it, and decided to call and say they'd come over to yours! if she's scared of being judged, this is the best way to go about it... really, really odd!

what does your dh feel, since it's his best friend? sounds to me like you're at the end of your tether. is he prepared to go as far as sacrificing the friendship over this?

manners alone should not dictate that you bend over backwards for these peeps!

im prob a bit rude when it comes to entertaining.

i only do and only offer to do what i can afford and want.

that means i dont offer to buy rounds when people have full drinks,and i dont pull out all the stops nor clean my house if i havent got time...

it is very liberating ...good luck x

Maybe they just find it difficult. We very rarely have people over because it's so difficult. I do big first birthday parties, but that's it. I can cook (as can dh), but am not free to start cooking until 8pm so on the rare occasions people come over it's take away. DH cooked for my mum and dad a few weeks ago, but they did his jobs so he could start cooking earlier.

Their situation may look easy from the outside, but maybe they struggle for whatever reason. I would hate someone to break off a friendship with us because we cannot do the dinner party routine.

really interested to know what happens about tomorrow Moomin. Jimjams - if you can't start cooking til 8 pm the easy thing to do is make a casserole earlier in the day.

Shameless bump from someone in a similar situation.

It sounds like ££ isn't the issue for them (and it is, for you), so I'd just ask them to bring something, whenever they're coming. If they always brought something (spending ££ and making an effort) would you mind if it was always you entertaining?

It's not just "not doing the dinner party routine", though -- taking away any uneaten remnants of food or drink you've brought to a party or inviting people round but only once ever offering even a biscuit is a little more extreme than that.

Actually, I've rethought my previous advice. I'd be more inclined to say "Yes, we'd love to have you over. Can you bring the [specify component of food or drinks]?"

Fucking nutters!!!

I am another natural entertainer (surely euphemism for piss artist and over the top party animal????)

Used to have people over all the time as well as people landing for country w/ends.

Life is too short however-have ruthlessly pruned away the weirdos,tightarses and freeloaders.
I don't care how great a mate he isd-the removing undrunk wine and uneaten meat suggests a meanness of spirit that i couldn't tolerate.

Here's another outrageous story.
My aunt and her dh live in Spain(loaded)
When my cousin and his wife and kids went to see them,my uncle charged them for petrol used on trip tpo airportand sightseeing trips.

They will not be returning.....