How long do I wait for DP to propose?

[HoldingBreathandCountingtoTen]

Been with DP over 2 years, known each other for 5 years as friends. Lived together over a year and a half now. We are both early 30s. We are very happy.

I want to get married. To DP. I am just SO ready. I have told DP I want to marry him, said DP let's get married. He said he wants to get married to me but will propose "as and when he is good and ready". So he is not ready yet.

I don't want to twist his arm into anything, any proposal needs to be his own free choice. But how long should I wait? I don't want to waste my 30s child bearing years with a man who is never going to marry me. At what point would you draw that conclusion and walk away?

Excellent posts by PaperSeagull and SGB

I also left a relationship where marriage was dangled like a carrot in front if me but no commitment forthcoming. Just like you OP we discussed it and agreed we'd like to get married but he said he'd propose when he felt ready. He never did. I was with him 2 years, lived together (only renting thankfully), and no kids. I wasn't prepared to play the helpless maiden hanging on his every word, waiting for him to decree that NOW was the time we were engaged. So I left.

Phew, totally the right decision. Now I'm engaged to my DP, who asked me to marry him after we'd known each other 10 months. He is excited to make me his wife and I also can't wait. I love him.

ExP's dithering was lucky as it meant I came to the realisation things weren't right. I didn't want to be with someone who wasn't really keen to commit to me for life. That sort of power balance is not healthy OP. If he wants to be with you forever, what's holding him back? Are you sure you are completely right for each other?

Imho, HolgingBreath, he does not want to marry you, sorry. You proposed, he did not say "yes", then it is a "no". The "yet" is because he likes his/this set up and does not want you to start seriously thinking of other options. What SolidGoldBrass said.

It may be old fashioned, but the saying "why buy the cow, if you are getting the milk for free" may be the case here. [It is a very old saying, and I am not calling anyone a cow!]

From his point of view, he is already getting everything that a marriage would give him, so why get married? I think the historical context was to not move in with your partner before marriage...the leverage being the comforts of marriage would not be there without actually being married.

You can not make him. Walk away, and then he will see the reality of "shit or get off the pot".

I also agree with the previous posters who said do things on your own, maintaining your individual identity, through activities, your family, and holiday celebrations.

Sounds like you've got some grit DorothyBastard - good on you!

Ahh that went well. Just had a chat about it (strike while the iron's hot!). Apparently he's warming to the idea of marriage more and more, but wants us to have no niggles/arguments/issues for 'a prolonged spell' before properly considering it. I have a history of depression and he says he's worried that I've built marriage up to be the be all and end all, and that after the wedding I'll realise it's not all great and sink into a deep depression

He says I'm putting pressure on him and it sounds like an ultimatum... He got cross with me even though I stayed really calm, and he's stormed off upstairs.

Oh and the idea of organising a wedding sounds like his worst nightmare. We aren't even reading from the same book, let alone from the same page...

So, in essence, he wants your relationship/you to be different before he'll consider it not looking good...

However, if you take him at face value then I would say that it's the commitment and security that the wedding contract brings that you need...no big do/no guests-just you and kids have a nice morning at reg and lunch? And your mental health will improve in a secure environment.

If he's taking what you see as 'small niggles' to be stuff that will affect marriage then I would suggest couples counselling to get you onto the same page?

Actually I think you need someone like anyfucker or sgb who know what they're taking about.

Holding.. Your dp does NOT want to marry you , he is waiting for something 'better'to come along.Simple as
Don't waste your time

...but wants us to have no niggles/arguments/issues for 'a prolonged spell' before properly considering it.

Right.

Before he'll 'even consider it'. So you have to achieve the impossible - no niggles or arguments - and only then will he 'even consider it'.

Talk about setting you up to fail.

Oh Need what a load of utter codswallop :-(
It delay and dangle, then delay and dangle some more.
What do you think you are going to do?

oh Need, that's awful!

Maybe he's done you a favour: time to find another man. One who doesn't want you to change to be 'good enough'.

He wants you to walk on eggshells. He wants YOU to dance to his tune. Never question him.He wants you to never argue, always obey.
When you have managed to condition yourself to live like this to his satisfaction, only THEN can he consider if he will deign to marry you.

And you want to marry this twat because?????

He is such a catch? Not

Bit of advice...

...run like the wind.

He is being unfair & cruel. He's setting you up for a fall :( What he thinks a relationship should be like, isn't reality... he wants something out of a movie.

For whatever reason, you aren't his 'The One' :(

I fear you have jolted him out of his apathy and he is now arranging himself to leave and is buying himself some time plus ensuring you will be very nice to him, helping him warm to the idea of marriage - whilst he arranges it. Then he can say its not worked out and leave, with you thinking its all your fault for not being nice enough. Don't let him do this to you.

This is a lucky escape for you, really.

Telling you he wants everything to be perfect with no arguing, no niggles etc- what does he want, a relationship with a blow up doll? For a period of time decided by him!

How do you feel op? Hopefully you are smiling and nodding whilst organising your exit strategy over the coming two weeks. You must be pleased you talked about it to him and got things clear.

Oh dear Not quite the outcome you were hoping for. I'm sure his reactions are making you question whether you actually want to be with him?

I agree it's in your best interest to plan an exit strategy.

I agree, he has no intention of marrying you and the "no more niggles" is a way of making it your fault he won't marry you. I'm sorry.

Need, you really do need to go. There's been some excellent advice on here from pp's and reading your most recent post, felt I had to chip in; you're worth so much more than that!
I've had depression too, but you know what, when you're with the right person, you work through things (at the risk of sounding clichéd) as a team, together. 'Little niggles' are part of everyday life.
Meet someone who deserves you and who loves you for you; they will want to marry you not in their own time or (as a prev poster mentioned) not when they 'deem' the time is right but when you both feel it's time. That's a proper loving relationship with no control/power issues.

All relationships and marriages have niggles god, if I didn't marry xh due to that we wouldn't have married and had ds!

Marriage = working out the kinks bumps and niggles no relationship is perfect and if someone says theirs is they're lying cos we all have moments.

More bad signs. He's put you on trial, got angry that you raised your wishes (talking about pressure etc implies that he should be in charge and you should hope amd wait nicely, whatever you want), used your depression as an excuse (also implying that if you want to be with him you must not get depressed!).

So he's worried that marriage is the romantic, unfealistic be all and end all for you, but thinks engagement should happen after a period of relationship perfection? [Confused]

What would happen if you mentioned timescales for DC? He'd probably hit the roof, run, or fob you off again and again.

In your shoes I would move out.

Yes, after "the trial" he will either admit that you're not "the one" (because of your so-called flaws) or say he had to end it because you pressuredhim for marriage and babies.

I have a history of depression and he says he's worried that I've built marriage up to be the be all and end all, and that after the wedding I'll realise it's not all great and sink into a deep depression

It sounds like he's the only one with unrealistic expectations of marriage, if he's demanding no niggles and perfection first.

And he should understand that you are effectively giving him an ultimatum.

If he has worries about the relationship that he thinks should be worked on before you get married then that's fair enough.

However he is putting the onus on you. All relationships have niggles/arguments/issues. Your marriage will have all these things. To say you want a period without is unrealistic and an unfair pressure on you. Are you not allowed to discuss anything then? Just be a doormat in this time? How long does this time period last for anyway?

Is your depression an issue? Do you think that everything will be fine when you're married? Everything will be the same. Marriage won't change your relationship, it won't cure it of any problems.

Your biggest issue seems to be your OH putting obstacles in the way of you getting married. If your relationship does have issues then you need to sort them together, not blame you for all of them and expect you to shut up whilst he thinks about it.

Marriage is about communication OP not put up and shut up.

We were a long term couple, met young, living together after university and flat sharing in our twenties. However, my DP was very keen to be financially stable before being married and was not ready yet - maybe fair enough for our age, but not really in the context of our relationship. I wanted to be married and by nine years in, in my mid-late twenties, I had got fed up of waiting. I began to withdraw a bit and was beginning to explore options for living by myself and applying for jobs further away. I never said so explicitly, but i expect that he could sense the sea-change in me. he proposed that summer and we had a big wedding the following year.

Getting married was amazing and was like a total fresh start for our relationship. So far so good.

However, nine years on and when DC was a toddler - he began expressing doubts about the relationship again. We have been through a rough spell and are working on our marriage. So who knows...

Honestly, although I don't regret the path I took, I would be wary of marrying someone who does not want to commit because there is always a chance that these feelings will only go under the surface and bob up again at a later date.

Apologies to the OP - I seem to have hijacked your thread, sorry. Maybe I should have started my own... Think I've caused confusion - I don't think the OP has updated with news of a talk, that was just me

The thing that upsets me the most is the way he reacted to what I said - and I don't mean in not agreeing with me. He got really defensive almost immediately and started sighing and huffing, as though the pressure is just all too much.

He says he feels rushed - well after 4 years I don't think that's true. He's happy to live in my house with me and my children and make promises of being together forever... But isn't ready for marriage.

I don't want to end it but if I don't, I'm settling for something that I don't feel happy with, I feel short changed, as though I'm waiting for him to eventually deem that I'm good enough. He doesn't understand how his attitudes affect my self esteem...

Thanks for all the replies. Helps to hear what others think.

Pobble... My depression has been an issue unfortunately. I've suffered on and off since my late teens and a bad marriage didn't help. But coming out of the other side of that I was so much better and built a life for me and the children. It was always there somewhere in the background but at some point after meeting DP it reared its ugly head in a big way and over the last couple of years I've had some of my worst, darkest times. He has supported me through it but at the same time doesn't understand my feelings - I'm over sensitive and over emotional apparently and need to get myself past it.

I don't expect marriage to change our relationship - I am who I am and he is who he is. But I want more commitment than we currently have for a whole host of reasons.

Need, lovely, your depression will go once you dump this man. 'Depression' in women is often simply a matter of living with an arsehole. I bet his idea of 'supporting' you is bullying and bullshit and blaming you for being ill. He has basically just told you that unless you are utterly obedient and never disagree with him, he will not marry you. He doesn't want to marry you, but he wants you scurrying round desperate to please him. Indefinitely.