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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Separation a mans view

83 replies

herald · 13/09/2013 16:21

Up until the last week in July I was happily married for 20 years with 2 children, I had just started a new job and things where rosy. Then after having sex with my wife she decided to tell me she had been having a 'fling' with a man from work, to say it was a shock is an understatement.
She asked me to forgive her for her 'silly little mistake' but I couldn't and she has moved out into her own place and we are sharing the child care.

She is know calling the affair an arrangement that they set up to have sex behind their partners back and she is not sure what but something must have been wrong with our marriage or she wouldn't have done it.

The feelings of the thought of my wife having sex with someone else is soul destroying, I just seem to be getting better with the whole thing and looking forward when she phoned me on Tuesday saying can you collect the kids because a man was accusing her of all sorts, when I said why she said he has been hassling me since we had drunken sex the week she moved out of our house, she seems shocked as to why I am disgusted at her behaviour because she says she is single now so what does it matter. She has gone from a loving wife to someone who doesn't seem interested in the kids, is always out drinking with her new friends and sleeping about all in 6 weeks.

I now feel back to square one with constant thoughts of her with this man, I understand that eventually I need to move on but cannot deal with the fact that already she is jumping into bed with anyone.
Or am I expecting to much?
Herald

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Original poster

herald · 17/09/2013 22:39

I am sure I will be happier in the long term , and just need to get past this place I feel stuck in, I am now only communicating by text and keeping it just to the basics my dd is only 8 so their are lots of years yet where communication is still needed. Really wish I never had to communicate again but is not possible.

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Wellwobbly · 19/09/2013 16:54

Survivedit thanks for your post.

Somehow it is a comfort to hear from people like you and Herald, that there are decent, committed family men out there who don't cheat, and who have the same selfish sh*t poured on them. ie It is the selfishness and not the gender.

[doesn't make sense really does it. I know]

Original poster

herald · 19/09/2013 22:41

Wellwobbly I agree and think sometimes that I have been taken for a ride, my stbxw text me today to tell me she has a problem with the car that she has insisted she is keeping, but wants me to still pay the car loan, I told her to take it to a garage ( I would normally fix the car). She was not impressed and said I knew it had a fault before we split so it's my fault she is now going to have to pay to get repair. She seems to have forgotten what she has put the family through, yet again only thinking of herself, don't want to sound nasty but hope it costs lots to fix... Ahhh karma

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Wellwobbly · 20/09/2013 05:55

Herald, keep on in this. The thing is, one of the rank disrespects is being taken for granted. Like you are an arm, or a leg that they have commanded to move.

Cut off the £ that you don't have to pay, cut off the help, cut off the listening and caring.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/09/2013 07:49

" it's the speed at which her behaviour has changed that has shocked me."

I'd suggest you don't dwell on this but her behaviour won't have changed quite as quickly as you think. People who decide to strike out like this often spend a lot of time working up to it and justifying it to themselves. By the time they make the final move they're fully convinced it's the right thing but the one left behind - and you have my huge sympathy - thinks it's some sudden change, totally out of character and a bolt out of the blue.

Mid-life Crisis is a neat label to give the behaviour but it's rarely that simplistic and you will waste large portions of your life trying to work it all out and torturing yourself in the process. Echoing the advice of others, all you can do is protect yourself legally, surround yourself with friends and stay busy until the worst of it is over. Good luck

Original poster

herald · 20/09/2013 07:56

I agree as I stated thinking about it after the event I think this has been planned for quite a while, I am just glad that I didn't forgive her like she begged me to do, where would we be now?

Anyway got appointment with solicitor today to get divorce started and start the court process, I am slowly realising this could be the best thing that had happened to me.
I Just need to get over the initial bolt from the blue.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/09/2013 08:04

Blue-bolt-recovery can't be rushed so be realistic there. You'll cycle through good days when you're saying 'best thing that ever happened', seeing solicitors and being busy and constructive... and then there will be bad days when you won't want to be too far from a duvet and a bottle of scotch. :) I'm 20+ years down the track from a similar experience and, even now, if I'm caught off-guard (a song on the radio or something else that takes me back) it can still bring me down. So be kind to yourself and anticipate a few more lows. It's all part of the process.

Original poster

herald · 20/09/2013 22:45

Just an update took my dc's to family wedding tonight (the DW family) and saw the exdw and to be and being honest was not very complimentary to her appearance, when I got home I text her and said sorry for being a twat, I didnt mean to be nasty to you. Anyway we exchanged text then I phoned her to apologise for my comments, and she was very upset because this was the first family event since our split, which I understand, but I am know sat here feeling like a piece of shit for being so nasty, even though she has shagged two blokes behind my back. She looked so lost and uncomfortable when I saw her. WHY carnt I move on ?

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totallydone · 20/09/2013 23:04

It's still far too early for you to move on herald. The anger and hurt are still there and will take quite a while to fade-if ever completely.
Be kind to yourself, you are allowed to have some "bad" moments.
I have to say l am well impressed you took the DC's to an event where the exw and her family would be there-much kudos to you

MadBusLady · 20/09/2013 23:11

Well, now you know that being nasty to her makes you feel shit afterwards. You'll not make that mistake again. You'll make other mistakes and learn from those as well - none of it means you're not making progress.

itwillgetbettersoon · 20/09/2013 23:24

You were very strong Herald, taking the children to a family event. A lot of people in your position could not have done it. Stay strong and don't waste your energy worrying about what you said to your XW. I'm sure we have all said some crappy things and really who can blame us! Keep posting on MN it really does help - I just I knew of it when I went through what you are going through 18 mths ago - it would have saved me a lot of pain and upset.

Original poster

herald · 20/09/2013 23:28

Another update I am now waiting for a taxi because she has left the wedding to go and meet her latest fella and left both the dc's at the wedding , cannot believe it. She has even been drinking all day and drove off . I feel I now need to take control and have full custody of the kids for there own safety. Unbelievable

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MadBusLady · 20/09/2013 23:30

Hope your DC are ok, this must be so bloody hard on them.

Original poster

herald · 20/09/2013 23:49

Yes just had my 17 yr old ds phone me to say I am watching my sister and I love you, it is unreal , I dont know how I am going to do it but I feel I need to have the kids full time. Nobody even knows where she has gone. Fuck me confused

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dhisawanker · 20/09/2013 23:54

crikey.

i thought i was having a shit time x

Just goes to show that you never really know anyone

Original poster

herald · 21/09/2013 00:03

No still waiting for the taxi ( as usual lol) this is the final straw , her sister has said there has been a big argument over her behaviour and she has gone off to meet the new as of Saturday man, really really don't know what to do next :-)

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2013 06:50

Don't berate yourself for being angry with this woman. You wouldn't be human if you could sit across from the person who ripped your heart out and be sweetness and light with them. In retrospect it was probably a mistake to put yourself in the same room but that's by the by.

What to do next? Go home... be normal... make some nice plans for the weekend... roast a chicken.... sleep on it basically. Don't make any hasty decisions when you're still feeling hurt and confused but allow yourself to calm down and think clearly. This is the rest of your life (and your DCs' lives) we're talking about. She's got a problem with impulsive, thoughtless behaviour.... you have the luxury of time.

Ehhn · 21/09/2013 07:21

There's another recent poster on MN (last few days) whose husband aged 31 left her with dcs for a 23 year old. He got himself a Mohican. I reckon you guys should start a "dumb crap that exes do to try And reinvent themselves. And then look like dicks" thread. Tattoo of her kids' names. Ha. I reckon they'll appreciate holiday and time with their dad as the more loving and genuine gesture.

Original poster

herald · 21/09/2013 09:25

Well it's the morning after , just to clarify I didn't go to the wedding I just dropped my eldest off after he finished college, I was then contacted by my sil at 23.00 to say she had gone and left both children at the venue.

I then got a taxi there and back to collect them, she text me this morning to say that she was going to take the kids but family would not let her because she had been drinking, and was surprised that I had to collect the kids because they could have stayed in the hotel until today. And her arguing and stomping off was my fault because I wasn't very complimentary about what she was wearing and it really upset her ????

She thinks it's best she doesn't have the kids for a while because everyone thinks she is a bad mum, it's a bit hard to disagree with that, so for the second weekend running I have them because of her actions, at least she can go out on the lash again tonight.

What a mess

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skyeskyeskye · 21/09/2013 13:11

sorry to read the latest development. great advice from others. you need to look after your DC. Your 8yo DD should not just be left by her mother :(

All you can do is be there for your DC and be the one constant thing in their life. Don't let them get messed around. If your W really cant look after them then get legal advice on custody and start making plans. The DC need to be with the person best placed to look after them.

Try not to engage with your W. She may well have left the DC anyway, but is now using your comment as an excuse. Don't give her any ammunition. Keep all contact to the bare minimum and solely about the DC

It is unbelievable how these people change once they make the decision to leave their married life. My XH never drank much, but after he left he started going out with his mates wife (the OW he was texting) and her friends. XH is 49, OW 32 and her friends in their 20's. He bought a whole new wardrobe of younger trendier clothes, got contacts, trendy shoes, sunglasses, starting drinking coffee after 49 years of hating it, drinking red wine, all the things that OW did , just to fit in with her and her friends. Its weird how a person can just reinvent themselves.

He refused to have DD in the summer holidays last year as he couldnt possibly take any time off work, then went abroad for a week with OW and her H and her parents. He tried dropping contact with DD to go out with oW on her birthday, clearly showing where his priorities lie now.

I now have a DD who tells me that she would like to see her daddy more often and an XH who refuses to as he is too busy working. I am the one who has to deal with the tears and the bad behaviour, while he forgets about her once he has brought her home EOW.

You sound like you are trying to do the best for your DC, carry on like that and they will always love and respect you

Original poster

herald · 21/09/2013 19:21

Your situation is terrible also, they are both with me I have left her with the fall out of spoiling her sisters wedding, she is still maintaining she did no wrong,

after meeting my solicitor on fri I am trying to keep her 'on side' because she has only asked for a small amount to hand the house to me and I want her to stick to what she has agreed to. I have always got the DC'S best interests at heart.

She will be out tonight with the latest fella, cannot believe she wanted to introduce him to the kids after knowing him for 5 days :-/

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Original poster

herald · 21/09/2013 19:37

And also what type of man would not want to see his children , there a so many men out there who a refused access and then this man chooses not to. Disgracefull behaviour .

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skyeskyeskye · 21/09/2013 21:57

You can make a world of difference to your children by being a real dad to them. If they dont live with you, then maintain regular contact with them, no matter what. If you need to change arrangements then do so with as much notice as possible, so that everybody knows where they stand. Have them in the week if you can too.

Solicitors always reckon to strike immediately while the guilt is there. My solicitor said it and I have heard others say the same. My solicitor said, if you divorce now the guilt is there and you will get more. If you wait two years, the guilt has gone and you will argue over everything. So if your wife is agreeing to sign the house over to you, then that sounds good. As with my XH, she is the one who wants out, so maybe it would be better for you to get the house and DC and then she can have the access.

Original poster

herald · 22/09/2013 13:53

We have agreed that the dc's will be split 50/50 although my eldest ds wants to be with me all the time which is fine with me , he not too pleased with his mother at the minute so not going around.

I agree about the guilt thing and to be fair she has always been the same over what she wants out of the house, but that can change at anytime with her unpredictable Behaviour, if I get what has been proposed then I will way very happy with the deal, and the kids will be sorted.

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Original poster

herald · 26/09/2013 14:27

Omg she has gone the other way now, sending me text about irrelevant things and asking how the kids are doing(when they are with me) I just keep politely replying with out getting too involved , blimey women lol

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