Separation a mans view

[herald]

Up until the last week in July I was happily married for 20 years with 2 children, I had just started a new job and things where rosy. Then after having sex with my wife she decided to tell me she had been having a 'fling' with a man from work, to say it was a shock is an understatement.
She asked me to forgive her for her 'silly little mistake' but I couldn't and she has moved out into her own place and we are sharing the child care.

She is know calling the affair an arrangement that they set up to have sex behind their partners back and she is not sure what but something must have been wrong with our marriage or she wouldn't have done it.

The feelings of the thought of my wife having sex with someone else is soul destroying, I just seem to be getting better with the whole thing and looking forward when she phoned me on Tuesday saying can you collect the kids because a man was accusing her of all sorts, when I said why she said he has been hassling me since we had drunken sex the week she moved out of our house, she seems shocked as to why I am disgusted at her behaviour because she says she is single now so what does it matter. She has gone from a loving wife to someone who doesn't seem interested in the kids, is always out drinking with her new friends and sleeping about all in 6 weeks.

I now feel back to square one with constant thoughts of her with this man, I understand that eventually I need to move on but cannot deal with the fact that already she is jumping into bed with anyone.
Or am I expecting to much?
Herald

Ref online dating: it's a world were the normal rules - respect, honesty and clarity of intentions does not exist.
In this world - lets meet up tomorrow - can mean let's have sex tomorrow, lets just talk or I may not come tomorrow.
There are people just on there for ego rushes who just want attention or are just bored and need to fill their diaries.

You are no where near ready for this. Your mind is F'd up enough without the mind games and second guessing and 'pick me, pick me'.

Once you have hardened enough and can deal with your loss of faith and can start to see the true character of things (women - they are just blokes without dangly bits) then you will be ready.

You will meet people like your wife on here, and you will see them as clear as day and you will begun to see yourself in many guises (the DV victim, the EmAbused, the cheated upon etc) and this will help you realise that what happened was hurtful and feels awful now, but that it was a closing of a book and once you put it up on the shelf of life experience you just 'move on'.

Good luck. (far too long a ramble).

FWIW - there are some lovely descent people online but until you are ready you will often not see them. because you will be drawn to prove yourself - so will instead be drawn to 'fixer uppers', like a mechanic who will want to buy a car so they can work on it.
So wait until you know what you deserve - a wonderful car that's independent, drives well with a life time guarantee

good advice from ofmiceandmen and good for you to get advice from a bloke as well as us ladies. some of it made me laugh too.

Online dating is a minefield and you need such a tough skin to get through it. I was chatting with one lovely bloke, he asked for my mobile number, gave it to him, he stopped contact. Then randomly, I get a message saying sorry, he had gone through a bad patch, was OK and would like to make contact again. i said OK, great, never heard from him again.

Like OMAM says, there are a few decent people on there, but it takes a lot of faffing around to find them. i know of several people who have met online and are very happy, but they seem to be the lucky ones!

Meanwhile, look after yourself, maintain a good relationship with your DC, push through with the divorce and put yourself first from now on.

I think maybe hearing about her latest 'fling' has got to you so much because maybe you were still on some level thinking she was still the person you fell in love with (and who loved you) but it seems she isnt, or if she is, then that person is VERY confussed.
Do you have any idea how she justifies her behaviour why she is acting this way?
Im not at all saying here that the onus is on you to understand her, just it might help you moving on to know what happened.

I don't know why she is behaving like this she has made lots of new friends around the area she has moved to, mainly younger single women, and cut her ties with a few friends for years. Before we split she rarely drank alcohol and didn't like being around people drunk or merry, might be something to do with the fact one of her parents is a alcoholic.

I suppose I did still think she would carry on something like the person I lived with so much so we was going to stay friends (cannot see that now)

I have not really changed the way I am living my life, I do seem to have more time to myself which is good but I didn't expect her to move into this new life of hers so quickly. She is says she is now single and can do what she wants which is true really.

Maybe it's me that is wrong and her behaviour is normal but it doesn't feel that way.

Her behaviour is not normal.
Sounds like she is going through some kind of midlife crisis.

Herald, isn't this the absolute pits. Everything you thought, is now found to be not real.

I too had absolutely no idea that my marriage was that bad. I knew I was married to a complicated person, but thought that if I just tried harder...

he on the other hand had decided it was all my fault and gave himself permission to make himself feel better.

It is trauma, there is no two ways about it. You do go through an obsessional phase, constantly imagining it. So don't think you are crazy. This is shock, grief, devastation and it hurts. You DO get through it.

Try if possible (this is rich coming from me I know) not to get too caught up in why shes acting the way she is.
This contradicts my previous post compleatly I know, but I thought maybe there was some obvious reason for her behaviour, from what you say it seems more like just the midlife crisis of a rather selfish person.
This is the hardest thing, but try to not let her behaviour determine how you feel about yourself, you will need alot of good advice and reasuarance for this.

I have analysed everthing and cannot see a reason on why she did it in the first place, I had just got a new job on double my income, we have been aiming to get this job for years and it was like a dream come true. She has blamed it on a few things the first was he showed her attention and she was flattered, even though she admits I was always showing her attention,then it was the stress of me changing jobs?? Now it is that something must have been wrong or she wouldn't have done it.

Being honest I think her turning forty has made her look at her life and decided she wanted something else, she can be very impulsive. The speed at which the accomodation became available where she is living ( she manages some of the apartments) makes me think she has been planning to move onto this 'new me' life for a while.

I just wish she hadn't had the affair , I feel she did it to end the marriage, it's seems all very calculated and planned.

My XH gave me endless excuses after he walked out as to why he had left, , none of which he had ever bothered to discuss during our marriage. But once he got hooked in by a few sweet nothings from OW, he decided that his life here with his wife and 4yo DD wasn't what he wanted.

All the excuses he came up with have since been proved as lies by the way he lives his life now and repeating the same pattern.

I thought he was having a MLC as he was acting so out of character. Decent family man walks out on wife and child? Not him, he's not the type..... But sadly he wAs.

I think that your wife is obviously enjoying her new freedom and life with her single friends. She is reinventing herself into a new carefree person.

You can analyse as much as you like (and I have) but it doesn't get you anywhere :( it just destroys you and becomes an obsession. been there done that, trying not to do it

It's not easy but you really do have to try and put her out if your mind and concentrate on yourself.

Thanks Skye you are right I am going to get on with it and think about myself and the dc's , I know I will be good in the end it's just about putting in the time,

Off mice and men I have only just read all your post again and yes I have always felt like I have protected her when she had bad spells of depression because as her husband I felt like it was the right thing to do, I liken it to trying to keep all the plates spinning so nobody gets hurt.

As for dating don't worry I am not going to jump into that although I would like to date again in the not so distant future.

I have been having a good read of this forum tonight and I am amazed how many people have been cheated on by their apparent loving dp/dh/dw it's a real eye opener.

It is shocking and very sad. It is amazing how they seem to turn into a totally different person.

Our neighbours split up in the December, my XH said how awful it was for their little girl, how he couldn't bear to think of our DD's face if he wasnt here in the morning, it would break his heart, blah blah blah. Meets OW in the January, walks a month later! comes back for six weeks, leaves again.

There are so many threads on here at the moment, it is so sad.

What I will say though is that you do gradually get through it. I didnt think i would survive one week never mind one month or one year but here i am. I'm struggling again at the moment but I know I will get there eventually.

You will too.

I have nothing really constructive to say, but I want to give the OP herald and everyone out there who has been hurt by the person they love

Thanks I feel like I have gained a lot of good positive thoughts off the forum, I am on my own tonight the dc's have gone to hers for the night so having a real lazy one lol

It's so difficult Herald - it's like this person you thought you knew become a stranger. I would also recommend cutting contact except where strictly necessary with regard to the children and just keep as busy as possible. Obsessing over it all is part of it ( I thought I would go mad with the feelings I experienced from rage to despair and everything in between) .
Like Skye I thought mid life crisis if I had been a better wife/ mother/ lover etc etc. .... I had days when I wished it would all end ( and considered ways to make it :( )
Then one day I woke up without the pain. I started to feel like me again and remember who and what I was.
I have been Alone for a year now and recently met someone who I could see a future with. But if not with him , meeting him has made me realise I am not just a wife/ mother but can have something for myself too and so will you! It may take a while but you will get through this and look back and wonder that you ever felt this way.
Look to friends and family for support as they will help you get through this too . Good luck!

Herald - My first wife had an affair but my reaction was quite different from yours. I loved her so much that I forgave her completely and just wanted to start again away from this man. I actually blamed myself for having been a bit dull, wanting to study too much, and moaning too much about stuff that happened at work.
The affair just wasn't a big deal to me somehow. It didn't matter. He was a married man who charmed anyone he could. I didn't have a big extrovert personality like him so my wife became attracted to him. I could understand that and forgive her completely. All I thought about was the future and being happy together again with my wife and children as we once had seemed to be. And me trying really really hard to be a far better husband, of course.
But I realised I had never really known my wife when she showed how strong and firm, and even ruthless, she was getting rid of me right out of her life when the last thing I wanted to do was go away. It turned out she was far stronger than I could ever be. Her steely determination was scary and a real shock. I had to accept I was the weak emotional one, not her. Previously, I had not the slightest clue she could ever be like that.
But it's probably a fact that no-one really knows anyone else although they often think they do. It's a bit of a delusion. We can even surprise ourselves. Given new situations we don't really know how we'd react ourselves. We can't predict our actions with total confidence. We only think we know, in my opinion.

Thanks again I feel like once I get the new thoughts of her last fling out of my head I will be able to move forward stronger, it's correct I consider myself to be a strong person but you really don't know how you will react to things that come along in life.

On a positive note I have booked a holiday at October half term for the dc's and myself
Herald

Wow Skye, your ex sounds like quite a piece of work.

I know it dosent feel like it right now but truely you are well rid.
Anyone capable of that amount of cognative dissonance, however believeable they are on the outside, is a rather scary prospect to trust your most volunerable feelings to, but thats all the OWs problem now.

Yes it's official she has had a midlife crisis my eldest DS has been for tea and she has had both their names and DOB tattooed across her back in big letters, I don't know why but this has cheered me up lol

That is quite funny.

And good work on the holiday - new memories to be made.

Thanks for that really looking forward too the break, going to have a total relax.

Well done on booking a holiday. I'm going away at Half term too, only a holiday park but its fun for DD and a total break from work for me.

It's my third short break this year but they are all cheap and cheerful and it is great to have something to look forward to.

As madbyslady says, you will make new memories with your DC

Yes we are only renting a cottage in Wales but hopefully wrap up and get out and about with the dog, hope you enjoy your break also.
All the best

Herald

Herald.

I am going through a similar thing with my stbxh.

He has had a similar tatoo.

I don't communicate directly with him at all, and it is so much better for me.

Everything is all my fault of course.

Your life will improve.
Take one day at a time, you really deserve a better life.