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Original poster

Quick advice needed, i am starting to see red mist.....

32 replies

Nixz · 21/06/2006 20:07

I havent been on here for a while but i really need some advice just now!
Dp and i have been together for 7 years, we split for 18 months and got back together about 1 year ago.
I dont know what he did in them 18months as we both lived at different parts of the country but i know he had other women. Anyway, he left his mobile phone bill on the side today (by accident i think) and i noticed straigh away the amount of texts he sends (he's always too busy to send them to me!!), anyway, there were loads (i mean loads) to the same numbers, some at odd times in the night/early hours. So, for some daft reason, i phoned the 3 most prominent and guess who answered.....women.
He knows something is wrong but i really dont know how to handle it, he is obsessive about his privay, his phone never leaves his side. Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nixz · 21/06/2006 20:09

I must add that he will go mental if he thinks ive been snooping and say things like, its nothing to do with you, they are just friends etc. They might be but why so many texts and at 1am when he is working away from home. OMG is he working away...!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nixz · 21/06/2006 20:29

I am going to end up causing ahuge row - somebody offer me some advice on how to handle this situation!!!
Pleeease, am i jumping to conclusions or do i have reason to be upset?

OP posts:
Ledodgyherring · 21/06/2006 20:37

Sorry but i'd sit him down and ask him outright if it caused a row or not.

Straightforward · 21/06/2006 20:38

eeew nasty - I do feel for you.

Personally, I think you need to just confront him with it in as calm a way as possible, otherwise it'll eat you up.

Good luck - hope it's all innocent.

rosebea · 21/06/2006 20:41

Sorry but I agree, All women snoop! (or maybe it's just me) Sit him down and ask him outright otherwise you'll drive yourself slowly mad worrying about it and that wont do the relationship any good....especially if your suspicions turn out to be just suspicions.

looneytune · 21/06/2006 20:41

I think you need to speak to him, you'll not be able to stop thinking about it until you do!

Good luck

harpsichordcarrier · 21/06/2006 20:42

nixz of course you need to talk to him about it but you need to be very calm.
i would say don't do it now if the red mist is descending.
wait until you're feeling more in control of your feelings and your reaction
also, you have to work out what your end game is. do you want him to stop phoning/texting other women? do you want him to text you more often/pay you more attention? how is the rest of your relationship?

redbull · 21/06/2006 20:42

you need to ask him to put your own mind at ease other wise your mind will be playing games with you good luck, and you could try why are you so private if you have nothing to hide it makes you look guilty by keeping it private

Original poster
Nixz · 21/06/2006 20:45

Harpsichord - some good questions there.
Our relationship is good, we are friends and have a laugh etc, we are fairly physical and are quite close.
I have just realised though that when it comes to other women, i dont have a clue how he would react if another woman flirted with him, that is i dont know if he would turn away and thrive off it and act upon it.
What i want to know is who is he texting so often and what is his relationship with these women and if it is all innocent, why can he send 20 text messages in 2 hours to them and not send me 1 nice one during the day?

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 21/06/2006 20:47

I would call the numbers again and ask if they know a such and such because you just found his phone, you can then ask things like "Oh, is he your friend then?" and see what they say. Do this to all three. Then when you have your evidence you sit him down and you say:
"You left your phone at home today so I took the opportunity of having a peek at your texts and guess what came up!" He'll then shout and swear and claim it's all innocent, etc, you then say:
"I also took the liberty of calling 3 of them and speaking to them in person, do you want to know what they said?"

If you find out that he has been cheating you need to have it in your head what action you want to take before you confront him though. Then you calmly put your plan in process and then you come back onto MN for lots of support.

granarybeck · 21/06/2006 20:47

Think you need to sit down and talk to him properly. Maybe you need to talk about your time apart (not dishing out every detail) but to reassess the kind of relationship you now want together, ie. whether its ok to text other people/previous partners. I think you are entited to know who/why he is texting at that time and if he won't tell you i would feel entitled to be upset.

throckenholt · 21/06/2006 20:48

why did you split up and why did you get back together.

How good is the rest of your life together ?

Questions to consider before you say anything.

Original poster
Nixz · 21/06/2006 20:57

Rhubarb - fantastic idea, i just dont have the bottle and if either one of them called him to tell him, he would go mad. But bloody great idea, i am so impressed!
We split because he is in the parachute regiment and spent the first 2 years of when dd was born away on operations, we grew apart and he began to become quite violent. We got back together because everytime we were together for more than a few hours, feelings would come back and it was just envitable. Since we have got back together things have really changed, he has moved to work in a careers office near to where me and dd lived so he could move in with us and come home everynight. He doesnt go out with his friends (apart from when he works away and goes to other army bases) and we have our ups and downs but we never have huge rows or any major difficulties anymore.
I found an old phone of his a while ago and there were rude pics and texts from loads of girls on there but he hasnt used that phone for 18 months and im hoping he is not keeping in touch with the same women and this texting thing is still going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nixz · 21/06/2006 20:59

Granarybeck, i would feel betrayed if he was texting old partners, but i dont know how i would ever know. He could just say its a friend.

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harpsichordcarrier · 21/06/2006 21:03

I do see the appeal of Rhubarb's suggestions but if my dh did something like that to me I would find that unforgivable and I don't think I could recover any trust afterwards.
(I am pretty funny about my privacy too.)
yes, they might be friends. I have to say that, in all the circumstances it doesn't seem that likely (sorry). So, if he does claim they are friends - what next? do you give him the benefit of the doubt and move on?
what if he admits he is flirting with them?
what if he admits to more?
what then?

Original poster
Nixz · 21/06/2006 21:08

well firstly, he would never admit it. If hge was seeing someone else then he would leave....i think.
im nore concerned that everynow and then he texts these girls whose messages i found on his old phone for a bit of flirting.
I would feel betrayed, the trust would go - but he wouldnt admit it, he would just go mad at me for invading his privacy.
He has always been really private and i really dont know what to do as either way, he will hit the roof.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nixz · 21/06/2006 21:11

Some of the texts i found were quite dirty and they were inviting him round for threesomes and things, i dont feel in my heart that he would do domething like that but i just dont know. I think he would thrive off the flirting and the attention but i cant say anything about that as we were split up at the time. I just hate to think that this could be going on.
He used to live in colchester and 2 of the numbers i called had acolchester accent. One of them (the one he has texted most, appears to be northern (were we are)

OP posts:
Original poster
Nixz · 21/06/2006 21:17

Maybe i should leave this thread on the pc screen.....

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 21/06/2006 21:38

Can you not forward some of the more dodgy texts sent by him to your phone? Then tell him you have received some strange texts off him and demand an explanation, he will think he did it by mistake! It then gives you the perfect excuse to ask him to hand over his phone for you to check, if he doesn't then tell him that you'll presume he is guilty of doing something.

Original poster
Nixz · 21/06/2006 21:44

no, the texts were from an old phone from when we were split up. He has a different number now. He would never use that old phone/number.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nixz · 21/06/2006 21:45

And they were texts TO him not sent by him.

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Original poster
Nixz · 21/06/2006 21:53

I think i really need to think about this.
I will probably end up just confronting him, in a roundabout way.
EG I might give him a scenario - what do you consider betrayal.....if i flirted at work would you think this was bad??? If i texted other men etc but in a more diplomatic way.
Watch this space ladies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nixz · 21/06/2006 22:23

well i asked him if he was seeing someone else, he said no, i told him that i knoew he had been texting other women etc.
He said 'why do you always need confrontation, your a waste of space etc etc' then i went to bed, i stayed calm etc and he followed me up and said that we didnt have a relationship, he should 'shag' about as we never have sex (excuse, we do!) and that he doesnt need me and im pathetic. He said why would he be here now if he was with other women etc. I said that i didnt neseccarily(SP) beleive he was having an affair but maybe flirting with other women, he said he had two friends who lived local who he occasionally spoke with.
I have to say, i dont think i beleive him. As part of his job, we have a flat in manchester, he has just left, probably to go there.
I feel he is guilty of something.
Oh well! Im not sure what to do now, im just gonna go to bed, at the moment, i dont feel sad that he has gone. I really feel he is in a bitof a panic. That is not a good sign.

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AllieBongo · 21/06/2006 22:26

sounds to me like he's been caught out and trying to turn it around on your cos he knows he's been busted. I think the only way you'll know is to call the numbers hun. be strong, you're not useless x

moondog · 21/06/2006 22:27

Call me old fashioned,but happily settled men shouldn't be flirting and texting with other women.

Full stop.

If they are,something is going on.

Guaranteed.