Can anyone help, please (depressed DH and mounting bills)

[Doearwigsmakechutney]

I'll try to make this brief... DH hasn't opened any post (bar birthday cards) for almost five months. He has also not taken any action to recover approx £20k that he is owed.

Three months ago DH went to the doctor re depression, took antidepressants for about six weeks and then - DH reports - stopped with the agreement of the doctor. I think he's struggling, though he's still in full time work and seems, to the best of my knowledge, to be doing fine there.

We have a joint account, but DH has accounts and investments that he's kept wholly separate.

Having seen quite a lot of letters from the revenue and from DH's bank over the last few weeks, I opened two items of post today. DH is over his overdraft limit, and being charged penalties. He also owes the revenue a four figure sum for late filing of his tax return (he has an accountant, so DH's involvement is not as onerous as it might be).

I am at a loss as to what to do. I've asked DH if I could talk to his parents or a good friend, in just knowing the situation and maybe helping out. DH told me that he'd leave me if I involved my PILs.

I've also been hugely involved with some problems. Eg the £20k legal action would have probably increased to multiples of that had I not spent huge amounts of time (c. 160 hours) sorting out related problems earlier this year. But I can't continue to fix DH's problems for him. He needs to take some responsibility for doing things, or for asking for the help he needs.

I'm here now because I feel really worried about where things are. The post I opened (without his permission, I'm afraid), has frightened me and I'm worried about other problems that I may be unaware of.

Any advice would be so gratefully received. I just feel so stuck as whenever I try to talk to DH about this, he becomes defensive and angry. Thank you

Bump?

Many thanks. I've asked for it to be moved to relationships

Firstly do you have any savings of your own or is all you money held jointly? You should try to ringfence your money from DH's so you have some security.

Whether or not he is depressed his behaviour is selfish and a danger to your security as family. How you handle it may depend on whether or not he is depressed.

You may have to have a real battle with him to get him to tell you the exact financial situation he is in. He is getting angry and defensive possibly because he is in such a mess. Perhaps a joint meeting with his accountant might help. Is there any chance that he is spending money on other things such as gambling? Does he run his own business and if so is it in trouble?

If he won't talk to you about the financial situation what are you prepared to do? Are you prepared to ask him to leave?

He needs to go back to the doctor, ADs don't even begin to show any effect before the first couple of months other than psychological. He's either misunderstood 6 weeks as 6 months, the usual shortest time limit, or he's decided to manage without by himself.
If he is depressed, he won't be capable of dealing with his responsibilities until he accepts that he needs help and he can't manage alone.
Others in his life need to be more proactive about prodding him to make deadlines and seeing proof that he has done stuff instead of taking his word. It's a crippling illness, you need to work out what strategies can be used to help him and to stop his slide into ceasing to function altogether.
Defensive and angry and in denial are par for the course and part of the illness.

Hi,

We've been asked to move this into relationships.

MNHQ.

DH told me that he'd leave me if I involved my PILs.

I understand why he said that but he can't hold you to ransom. He needs to be persuaded to go back to the doctors because based on what you've told us he is not alright at all. I think that's your first priority in this situation because then he might talk about his finances. Mental illness is awful (been there) and it is a selfish disease but your husband has to realise that his behaviour is having an awful effect on you. If he won't take action concerning this then your future looks bleak. He might be depressed about his finances so something has to give.

I'd also be doing some background digging to try and find out as much as possible about his financial situation although I appreciate that it will be difficult to do as they're his accounts not yours or joint. I also second the advice given concerning ring fencing your money and/or joint monies.

Oh and by the way, it is highly unlikely that any anti-depressants will have worked in six weeks. They take quite a while to get into a person's system and although I'm not a doctor and can only speak from personal experience, I doubt they'll have had any impact on his mental health. They might have induced some side-effects that he didn't like but often these significantly reduce or disappear completely in time. If they don't then the doctor can try something else but it is trial and error with these. I also have my doubts that the doctor will have told him that he could stop taking them after six weeks. He might have but I really doubt it.

I feel for you OP because you're caught between a rock and a hard place.

if he has an accountant why was tax return late?

talk to his PILs; talk to whoever you want if you have concerns about him . talk to his accoutnant or ask to sete up a meeting with teh acountant to find out what is what.

what is the worst that can heppen? he leaves you because you seeking help for him?

maybe - so where would he go? what would be the point of that?
I would say let him follow thru. if he plans to get angry is best he does leave for a while.

what would you be left with? make sure you have money etc.

six weeks isnt long enough for ADs. ask / insist to go to gp appt with him.

By selfish I mean that when suffering mentally ill people disappear into themselves and don't consider the feelings of others because they're so consumed by their own pain. I wasn't insinuating that it was deliberate.

and the best thing you can do is let all family know what is going on (eg about his illness) - would you hide if it was cancer or would you let them know and seek their help and support?

support is even more needed with mental illlness.

OK I have a bit of experience with this kind of thing as I have been through something similar with DH.

Firstly, healthwise, get him back to the doctor and make an informed choice about ADs. With my DH he was on one particular brand of ADs which made him worse and he came off them cold turkey without telling anyone. Get him to go back to the Dr to see if coming off them was in fact the right thing to do or whether there is another brand which would be more suitable.

Secondly, it seems like he might be burying his head in the sand over the debt problems. If he doesnt want to talk to someone he knows, get in touch with a debt management organisation, Payplan or Christians Against Debt (I think) are very good and dont charge. At the very least he can talk to someone non judgemental and understanding over the phone without having to look anyone in the eye. They will then take on dealing with all the creditors so you dont get phone calls or letters and they will sort out a repayment plan which is vastly reduced (and can be long or short term) until you can both sort out the financial situation. This will allow him a bit of space to see the wood for the trees and take a more logical approach to tackling this which might make him feel a bit better - its an old adage but if you are asked to eat and elephant, where do you start. You wouldnt believe the weight of the relief which lifts off your shoulders when you put the phone down after calling them.

Thirdly - I think I might be inclined to do a bit of snooping to ascertain the size of the problem. If he hasnt opened any post for 5 months you must have quite a pile so he isnt going to miss a couple of letters. I know it is not ethical (not even sure about the legal) but you are his wife and you are cohabiting amicably so I think you would be entitled to at least have a look - could you give the excuse of having a clear out/up as an excuse to get him to tackle some of the pile and move on from there?

Fourthly - I'm afraid this one might take a bit of snooping as well. It is probably way off the mark but is he gambling at all? Money problems along with depression and medication can sometimes be signs - possibly better to check than have a problem you dont know about on your hands.

Sending you and and hoping you get through this

Thanks so much - I really appreciate this. Part of the problem is that I've felt so isolated with it, as DH is really clear about not wanting me to talk to people, at least not those who could actually be of practical help, not just (very helpful) general moral support to me.

DH has always been pretty hopeless with money. He was in a really overpaid job until a few years ago, so never really had to be careful. He's since retrained by choice, and taken a huge paycut as a result, so the savings he has are much more important and need to be looked after. So the good news is that debt is not an immediate problem (as far as I know, and I'll snoop), but he could get to that point fairly quickly if things don't change dramatically.

I'm grateful for the advice re ADs as I don't know much about them.

I'll also think more about involving PILs and DH's friends, as I think he needs support that escapes the dynamic where literally any suggestions/mentions from me are perceived as unhelpful nagging.

'I think he needs support that escapes the dynamic '

Exactly. Don't overlook the huge sense of guilt he may have at failing in several areas of his life, and the snappy and defensive responses he may be making as a consequence.