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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice for my poor ds please

50 replies

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 10:13

Ok so he's just been dumped again and his self esteem is rock bottom.
He's 26 tall fit and handsome (not biased he really is) he's funny kind and has lots of friends.
He is currently not working as he is waiting for a kidney transplant so is too unwell.
He has a nice little flat and is always extremely well presented and enjoys life.
He's had a few long relationships all which have been ended by the girls (fair enough) but they all tell him he's "not got anything to offer or bring to the table"
It's really starting to upset him a d he believes he's worthless.
I find him that not everyone expects high earning Oxbridge grads with no health problems.
I'm right aren't I?

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SavoyCabbage · 12/09/2013 10:19

It is the table of wanting to get married and have children they speak of?

TallGiraffe · 12/09/2013 10:21

Can I set him up with my sister? He sounds much nicer than most of the mid-twenties arses that she's dated!

ofmiceandmen · 12/09/2013 10:22

Ledkr even high earning Oxbridge grads with no health problems get dumped upon (think that's what it said on that T-shirt I got Grin )

I think he just needs time out on looking for a relationship and actually find himself a bit.
He's in the competitive 20's - a time when most young people are looking for energy, fun and no holds barred excitement - not some sensitive soul, so it's just perhaps not his time.

But if he goes and defines himself and discover what his 'thing' is. then people who find value in it will naturally find him appealing.

So back to being HIM first, then the rest will follow (people are attracted to happy, fulfilled confident people- so he needs to gain confidence in himself first).

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 10:23

Well I assume so but they are only early twenties so maybe it's travel or fame and fortune I don't know.
I guess they use it as an excuse but I wish they wouldn't.

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IndestructibleGirl · 12/09/2013 10:23

I'm so sorry to hear your son was hurt by several different break ups. I'd hazard a guess that if the girls are in their early twenties then maybe when things get serious, those particular individuals can't cope with the serious health issues.

Which is shit obviously- but also means that he has no problem attracting women and developing a relationship to the point of things getting serious, he just has yet to meet someone with the maturity and courage needed to accept the challenges posed by the upcoming kidney transplant. He's still really young! It will happen!

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 10:31

To be fair he has long periods between relationships where he is happy with his mates he doesn't seem desperate for a gf.
He's so lovely and adores his little sisters so much and the little ones face lights up when she sees him.

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Dahlen · 12/09/2013 10:37

Have they definitely said words along those lines to him? Or his that his perception of what they've said?

noddyholder · 12/09/2013 10:39

Ledkr his health may be playing a part in how stressed this is making him feel. When I was on dialysis my mood was very low and everything seemed 10x worse than when I felt better. How long has he been waiting?

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 10:40

I think they do say it but I think they just want to end it so use that Instead of its not you it's me!

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Ledkr · 12/09/2013 10:42

A year and a half noddy he can start dialysis if he feels he wants to but he's managing.
Dh is being tested and ds1

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Ledkr · 12/09/2013 10:42

A year and a half noddy he can start dialysis if he feels he wants to but he's managing.
Dh is being tested and ds1

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ofmiceandmen · 12/09/2013 10:46

Happy with his mates does not equate to - self confidence and happy within himself. self fulfilment.

He's the nice guy that so many MNetters pine for, but when they get them they're not exciting enough or they want more than a caring guy whose wonderful with the DC's, but something is missing.

So he really needs to find his 'roar' when he truly doesn't need them, he will become a beacon. I say this from experience. He needs to become a leader. (even if it's the leader of people with health problems that succeeded)

Also check for signs of co -dependency - I know it sounds OTT but often that's what the 'nice guy' syndrome is based on.

noddyholder · 12/09/2013 10:47

I was about a year and a half too. There seems to be some new method where blood group matching is not so necessary it looks very hopeful Good luck I know how he feels it is draining Sad

noddyholder · 12/09/2013 10:51

What are his levels like atm?

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 10:57

Well I'm not sure off the top of my head but the dr seems happy for him to keep going.
His phosphate is high because he struggles to take the tabs with his meal! Any tips?

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Dahlen · 12/09/2013 10:59

I asked because I wondered if his illness is making him feel worthless and he's ascribing motives to these girls that they don't actually have. If they've come out and said anything along those lines though then he's really better off without them.

As long as he doesn't let this define him, he'll come into his own as he gets older.

We live in a world where wealth matters and people are told to aspire to it. A world in which someone's salary is often seen as more important than their compassion and integrity. Many young people tend to believe this, especially as our celebrity-obsessed culture and even our politicians push this ideal harder and harder every single day.

However, once you've been around a little bit longer, you start to see the world a bit differently, especially when you, or someone you know, falls foul of something beyond their control and needs a little compassion and kindness. Some of these women will see your DS very differently in just a few short years.

I know that's scant consolation for your DS right now, but he's very young and health permitting now is the time for him to have some fun.

I wish him all the best for a smooth operation and a successful recovery. Flowers

noddyholder · 12/09/2013 11:01

The tablets are the only thing has he seen a dietician? Tbh I found the whole diet thing very difficult too.

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 11:01

Thanks.
Dh says he needs a cougar!!! (I'm older than him so must be highly recommended)

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Ledkr · 12/09/2013 11:02

Yes to dietician but as you say it's hard.

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noddyholder · 12/09/2013 11:03

I really hope he gets a transplant soon as he could actually by pass dialysis if he has a donor. I think this is best when young and tbh if he does the dramatic difference in how he feels will make the relationship thing less of an issue Smile

specialsubject · 12/09/2013 11:09

any girl who talks in manager-babble really isn't worth the effort and he is well rid of them.

wishing him luck and good health soon.

NationMcKinley · 12/09/2013 11:17

Best of luck to your son, Ledkr. My father in law is also on the transplant list but had to start dialysis a couple of years ago. Kidney disease is miserable. I think that health issues or not, this is a bit of a right of passage for many people at this age looks back at own 20s. The right girl will be out there Grin. My DSs are only little at the mo, I'm dreading the relationship angst years as I know, like you, I'll also feel their sadness acutely.

LessMissAbs · 12/09/2013 11:22

He's 26, its par for the course. It doesn't mean womenkind is at fault.

Has he always been unemployed?

How does he choose his girlfriends? Looks, or more based on shared mutual interests and values?

onefewernow · 12/09/2013 11:42

My 33 year old son one said to me, girls are weird. I started to treat them a bit more like they're not the most important aspects of my life, and now they can't get enough of me!

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 15:29

HE IS NOT I EMPLOYED HE IS ILL fgs.
He did three years in college a d has a job he's too ill to work.

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