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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice for my poor ds please

50 replies

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 10:13

Ok so he's just been dumped again and his self esteem is rock bottom.
He's 26 tall fit and handsome (not biased he really is) he's funny kind and has lots of friends.
He is currently not working as he is waiting for a kidney transplant so is too unwell.
He has a nice little flat and is always extremely well presented and enjoys life.
He's had a few long relationships all which have been ended by the girls (fair enough) but they all tell him he's "not got anything to offer or bring to the table"
It's really starting to upset him a d he believes he's worthless.
I find him that not everyone expects high earning Oxbridge grads with no health problems.
I'm right aren't I?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 15:29

Sorry I obviously meant unemployed!

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 12/09/2013 15:46

is there anything he can do while he is not working because of being unwell eg voluntary work etc? kiney disease support group?

thing is if he is too ill to work and not well he isnt in a position to go out looking for girlfriends ds is he? so needs to rely on any friends at all who can come round and cheer him up .

clucky80 · 12/09/2013 15:51

Hi Ledkr, I think we have crossed paths in previous threads on organ donation :) I'm so sorry to hear about your DS's experiences and I really hope he gets his transplant soon. I had my kidney and pancreas transplant when I was 26 too and it gave me a better quality of life than I could ever remember and I had far more energy than when I was a child even. I worked full time until the day I had my transplant but I was lucky enough to be pre-dialysis/not on a restrictive diet etc. It was the only thing I did though as I spent evenings and weekends conked out on the sofa! Your DS is in a limbo situation now I guess as the wait for a transplant is the pits and I know for me I found it really hard to 'just get on with life'. I really hope all goes well with the testing of your DH and DS and the transplant goes ahead soon. FWIW I had a 1/6 match from a mismatched deceased donor and I am now over 6 and a half years out, have never had any episodes of rejection (touch wood!) and am currently nearly 31 weeks pregnant with my second child post tx.
I'm afraid I can't offer much advice on the relationship front - I met my DH when we were 22, I was healthy for the first year or so of our relationship but got ill after that. What I can say though is that once your DS has his transplant he may decide that he doesn't want a relationship yet and he will have the energy to go out and try so many new things and meet new people. I wish him lots of good health for the future and I strongly believe that he will have a life after transplant that will be better than he could ever have imagined and he will probably be having too much fun to want to be tied down to one girl :)

noddyholder · 12/09/2013 15:53

Agree with everything clucky said and am glad your are so well x

clucky80 · 12/09/2013 15:55

Thanks Noddy, hope you are doing ok at the moment x

noddyholder · 12/09/2013 15:56

I am atm x

Original poster

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 16:11

Thanks clucky I will tell him about you it will give him some good focus.
cest do you mean to come across as so ignorant?
People who are ill don't stop living you know!
What on earth do you mean by "if he's too ill to work he's too ill to go out looking for girlfriends" comment?
What so if someone has a disability or illness they cease to exist and stay in bed all day!
He worked long after drs told him to stop and then only as his awfull emoyers made it so hard for him to carry on which is another thread but he can still speak to people and socialise, what a ridiculous thing to say!

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noddyholder · 12/09/2013 16:14

Voluntary work is still work and I couldn't have done it while on dialysis and tbh I get his preoccupation with relationships etc as that becomes way more important than any job when you are as ill as he is. Work and money etc don't even come into the equation you don't care but emotional things can consume you as you are desperate not to miss out on what your friends have

Hullygully · 12/09/2013 16:19

wHAT DO THEY MEAN HE HASN'T GOT ANYTHING TO BRING TO THE TABLE???

(soz about caps) Do they mean he is ill?

Original poster

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 16:35

Ha ha
I'm not sure. I think it's just a way of dumping him when things naturally conclude.
He's only had one long and two shortish relationships in last three years its just that they all said similar so he's a bit down!
I can imagine its daunting being with someone ill but they seem ok about it at first.
I wish they'd just say "it's not you it's me" far easier.

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Hullygully · 12/09/2013 16:57

Tell him there are more than 6 billion people in the world and he has only had relationships with three of them.

Somewhere, the right one is waiting.

NationMcKinley · 12/09/2013 17:03

I agree with Hully; the right girl is out there for him and his kidney issues won't faze her in the slightest

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/09/2013 17:06

Ledkr think about this from the other perspective.

A young woman posts on here about a guy she is seeing. She wants to travel and party, she is making progress in her career, etc etc. Her BF is a nice guy, but he is ill and doesn't work, so he hasn't got much money to do fun things and doesn't have the same energy levels as her.

A thread like that would have 80-90% of MNers saying 'you have got your whole life ahead of you, his illness isn't your responsibility, go out and have fun while you are young, how are you going to have an equal relationship when he doesn't earn?' And so on. That is the attitude that people have these days, sadly.

I really hope that your son gets well soon and meets a lovely girl - and not necessarily in that order!

Hullygully · 12/09/2013 17:07

And we all have to kiss a lot of frogs...

noddyholder · 12/09/2013 17:09

Ali I don't agree When you really love someone you accept everything (within reason) If my dp had taken that attitude I would have been gutted. the thing is Ledkr's son will be like this temporarily. I am in fairly goos shape now and my dp has had several serious crises over the years and I stepped up and supported him. Should I have gone too? This is RL

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/09/2013 17:16

noddy I'm not saying I agree with the attitude, just that it seems often to be the prevailing one.

He just hasn't met the right person yet, which could very well have been the case regardless of illness or anything else.

Original poster

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 17:23

Also I think when you are young it would be scary rather older.
The long term gf even cane to all the info sessions but I think when you are you g you are also fairly fickle, I just wish they'd not say its because he offers little!
I just spoke to him, he's fine, has so many lovely mates he just needs to get sorted now

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Hullygully · 12/09/2013 17:27

Tell him the truth.

Tell him they are young and scared of what they don't understand but that

He will get better
There are loads of lovelies out there who aren't scared and will suit him fine and dandy

otherwise he will think he has nothing to offer!

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 12/09/2013 19:42

I'm trying to understand what they mean by doesn't have anything to bring to the table. Do they mean he's dull? (Sorry) does he keep himself busy? Keep up to date, read the paper? Or is he at home a lot doing insular pursuits like gaming for example? I'm sure he's not a dull person, but maybe his interests are a bit narrow. It's easy to get in a rut when your world is quite small. I'm surprised if it's his illness per se that's putting women off, but maybe some attendant lack of things going on in his life makes him seem like he doesn't have much to bring?
I'm not trying to be harsh, just wondering.

Original poster

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 19:55

Well I'm biased but he has lots of friends and a wicked sense of humour loves music and film etc. doesn't game much.
He really is good looking and used to do martial arts and gym so is very fit looking.
He has an eye for fashion and dh says he can make PRIMARK look like Gucci!
I'm not doubtful of his ability to be a good bf I think it's natural relationships come and go I just wish they'd be honest and not personal!
Just say they've gone off him.

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nitrox · 12/09/2013 20:09

He sounds great and if I were single and looking for a boyfriend the I don't think I would be bothered at all by his kidney problem. I'm 30yrs old, so maybe in a few years he'll be mixing with more mature girls that will love him for him, and not be worried about the travelling, party lifestyle (if that's the problem).

Is he perhaps too nice?

Original poster

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 20:24

I think maybe yes he might be.
I totally agree about the older women too.
He has plans to start a landscaping business when he's better. Let's hope we get the call tonight!

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ApocalypseThen · 12/09/2013 22:30

Don't encourage him to think he's too nice or any if that other MRA nonsense. He just hasn't met the right girl yet. What he's going through is perfectly normal. Relationships don't work till you meet someone they work with. Yeah, what the girls are saying is unfortunate given how he must feel - long term illness casts a pall over everything. But no matter what they said he'd still feel awful.

He's not able to party and travel right now, and in your early 20s that is the table. Its just the way life is at that age, and illness is a drag for these girls. It's not his fault. Youth is selfish, hedonistic and self-centred. He will overcome his health issues and he will meet someone lovely when the time is right.

Just try to stop him getting bitter and all women don't like nice guys etc. It's all just waiting for him when the time is right.

perfectstorm · 12/09/2013 22:42

Crown Princess Victoria of Sweden married a guy who needed a kidney transplant. He was also a commoner, and without much of a blue chip job or education. Or actually that attractive. So your son is beating him on several fronts!

My exes both told me I was a horrible person and basically unlovable. When I made friends with DH, he said I should stop dating crazy people and then they wouldn't be arses when we broke up. He wasn't, I realise in retrospect, wrong! I started dating him a year later, and we've been together ever since, so I haven't the widest research base on which to prove his statement - but from all you've said your son is picking entitled women who see themselves as superior to him, or they wouldn't use that justification when breaking up with him. I don't know what the solution is, in all honesty, because if you don't see yourself as a catch it's easy to accept a relationship with someone who agrees with you, but I met someone lovely after a total arse just prior, as of course did you, so it has to be possible! I'm sorry he has his heart trampled on first, though. And it has to be so hard to watch, as his mum. (That's one aspect of motherhood I am so not looking forward to.)

saggyhairyarse · 12/09/2013 22:52

I am thinking that the reality of being with someone who has serious health issues is too much for these girls. They are young and fortunately healthy, the reality of living with someone whose lifestyle is defined by dialysis probably doesn't become apparent until some months down the road. The right person will not run away from this but will be his rock regardless and he just hasn't met her yet.

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