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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am so utterly lost

36 replies

Blondeorbrunette · 11/09/2013 21:33

I don't know how I ended up where I am. I long for something different.

I need to grow some balls and make some changes or I'm gonna regret the way I'm living my life.

Oh fuck.

OP posts:

LibraryBook · 11/09/2013 21:36

Can you describe what's going on that's making you feel so bad?

Original poster

Blondeorbrunette · 11/09/2013 21:42

I decided to give my marriage another go but I know in my heart and soul I don't want it. I really have tried. I feel like im lying to myself and there has to be more to life than this.

OP posts:

IEatDates · 11/09/2013 21:44

Ergh I really really really feel for you.

Ive just finished a 14 year relationship that I tried and tried at.

I literally lost the plot in the end, anti depressants, shouting. I wasnt me.

The freedom I feel now is out of this world.
When you are ready, use MN as much as you can. Its been my lifeline.

It will be ok.

tessa6 · 11/09/2013 21:48

You'll get there, OP. When you feel totally distraught and broken it's just your self telling you things have to change, It has to feel really bad to force action. You'll be okay.

Greeneyed · 11/09/2013 21:50

OP just a poem for you.

And the days are not full enough
And the nights are not full enough
And life slips by like a field mouse
Not shaking the grass.

Ezra Pound.

Original poster

Blondeorbrunette · 11/09/2013 21:56

I left before but it was just so fuckin hard. I wish I had the strength that so many women on here seem to have.

Every time I read a thread where someone has left and has their freedom I'm jealous!

OP posts:

Dahlen · 11/09/2013 22:01

What's holding you back? If you examine your reasons for staying/fears about leaving, that may make it seem less difficult.

mammadiggingdeep · 11/09/2013 22:03

You do have the strength...maybe you've not quite got to the last point yet. It's a process. Just listen to your heart and be honest with yourself.

Original poster

Blondeorbrunette · 11/09/2013 22:05

I suppose really what's holding me back is the thought of bringing up my 3 Dc on my own. I was so overwhelmed when I was on my own before that I was constantly stressed out.

He is a control freak.

The type that would count the cups in the dishwasher to see how many coffees I have had during the day!

OP posts:

Shakey1500 · 11/09/2013 22:08

I was in a relationship where I completely "lost" myself for a good couple of years. Fortunately I was sent away abroad with work for a short time and being with like minded people was the "lightbulb moment" that screamed at me "WTF am I doing? This is who I am, when I'm away from HIM!"

It was the push I needed and I ended it. The freedom and relief was fantastic and I have never looked back.

I hope you find your strength, that has been supressed, and have your lightbulb moment

Shakey1500 · 11/09/2013 22:08

It was the push I needed and I ended it. The freedom and relief was fantastic and I have never looked back.

I hope you find your strength, that has been supressed, and have your lightbulb moment

Original poster

Blondeorbrunette · 11/09/2013 22:09

That's exactly it mama, be honest with myself.
I don't know what my last point is yet. If I haven't reached it yet I'm not sure I ever will.

He has cheated, head butted me, spat in my face. The list is endless. What is wrong me, I don't wanna be here but I can't face the alternative. I need to grow the fuck up.

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 11/09/2013 22:10

Oh god- that is a control freak!! No wonder you're at the end of your tether.
How Long did u give yourself when you left before?? You will feel overwhelmed and stressed for a while but you'll get in to new routines. I had 2 and a half year old and 6 month old at time of split....couldn't manage bed time on my own....it was so overwhelming. After a while, it became so much simpler...once the dust had settled and I was calmer.
Surely your life would become so less stressful without him in your life?? Is there anyone to help with your dc? Family support?

mammadiggingdeep · 11/09/2013 22:14

X post.....the headbutting and spitting.....oh op. Come on. You deserve better.

The lightbulb mOment is so true. I was called names, shouted at, ignored......and I took all that. Then he cheated. I then felt I didn't have a choice....I got angry. Anger helps......get angry op. Who the hell dies he think he is treating YOU like this??? Get fucking angry.

SweetSeraphim · 11/09/2013 22:16

Oh fucking hell Blonde......

FetchezLaVache · 11/09/2013 22:17

Call Women's Aid for the sake of your children, if you can't yet do it for yourself. The counting the cups in the dishwasher alone would have been enough for me, but the infidelity and the violence are completely unacceptable. Please try again to get out. You deserve better, your kids deserve better than to have to see you being put through this.

antimatter · 11/09/2013 22:19

I think what you perhaps need is to start living part of your life as if you were on your own. Kids grow up and it gets easier.

However if you stay where you are you will end up with serious health problems due to stress and low self esteem.

Life's too short...

Original poster

Blondeorbrunette · 11/09/2013 22:26

I don't even know where to start. I feel as if I don't have the energy or any more fight in me or maybe I'm just lazy.

OP posts:

Dahlen · 11/09/2013 22:31

When you were on your own with the DC, what was it that made you feel stressed and overwhelmed? What can you do this time round to prevent that from happening? Don't forget also that the DC are older now, and therefore likely to be easier in some respects (though they may ask more challenging questions - but that's something you can prepare for).

One thing you could do to give yourself a shove you can't go back from is to contact SS for help leaving.

You don't need to grow up. You are not behaving immaturely. You have been subjected to a systematic annihilation of your self-belief and worth by a man who is supposed to love you. You are unhappy and scared. And understandably so. You are not the one at fault here, he is. Unfortunately, though, he won't stop and it will be down to you to leave to protect yourself and your DC.

Is there anyone in RL you can call on to help, or has he successfully managed to isolate you from everyone?

mammadiggingdeep · 11/09/2013 22:33

No, you're not lazy....you're worn down.

Take a deep breath.....dive under....and swim for dry land.

Use the wisdom on mn to help you. People can point you in the right direction. You will feel a new energy when you are not living in fear of the next drama/ row/ abusive episode.

tallwivglasses · 11/09/2013 22:34

Do you know, if somebody came on here and all they said was "My husband checks in the dishwasher to see how many coffees I've had" and gave me no other information - I'd say LTB.

The 'alternative' (ie. leaving) is only hard until you get into the routine, DC help out, etc. Adjusting takes time. Then you notice one day you're living in a happy house and you wish you'd done it sooner.

Original poster

Blondeorbrunette · 11/09/2013 22:45

I barely speak to my family and we have moved away from where we lived.

I am absolutely worn out and worn down. We are together 13 yrs and this shit has been going on since day dot.

The manipulation and the had fucks started very early on. The first thing he ever did was put his hands around my neck. He once told me while I was doing a night feed that he was gonna fuck me from behind when I had finished.

Oh god what have I done.

I have no one in rl and I mean no one. My best friend is in same boat only she has balls. We met in a women's refuge April 2012.

God u fukn hate him!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Blondeorbrunette · 11/09/2013 22:46

I hate him I meant!

OP posts:

TVTonight · 11/09/2013 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Blondeorbrunette · 11/09/2013 23:01

My kids are 5, 6 and 7. It was just the constant pressure of trying to hold it all together. Bills, mortgage, getting to work etc. my car was breaking down every other day. My brother stole 1300 from me. It seemed to be one thing after another and I just couldn't cope. I was under pressure at work too.
Seems like fuck all when I write it down now but it felt like my heart was gonna burst out of my chest.

And I was looking at him going from strength to strength re work, social life going on holiday etc.

OP posts:

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