I am so utterly lost

[Blondeorbrunette]

I don't know how I ended up where I am. I long for something different.

I need to grow some balls and make some changes or I'm gonna regret the way I'm living my life.

Oh fuck.

How u feeling this morning?
What you need to keep hold of is the fact that life will be easier without him....yes, you'll be alone, yes you'll do all of the parenting but you won't be so unhappy!!! In time you'll be happy....and one day you'll be the happiesdr you've ever been.

Keep posting on here blonde x

Hi mamma,
Today will be the same as every other day, me wondering why I came back to this.
He came down this morning and had a pop at me as there was no sugar in the bowl and said to me you have to drink less coffee!
No one says that do they!
The anger was there. I pointed to the cupboard and he got the bag of sugar out and went off to work happy,

I can't believe I'm posting about sugar.

He has told me in the past he has slept with my best friend. Of course we are not friends anymore. He knows what he's doing. I wish I did.

Children often act out after parents split, especially when there is domestic abuse. So you think it will be easier when you leave but it seems ten times harder. This is a very common stage. You need to shore yourself up before you leave - what womens services are there that you can access? Local to me we have womens counselling and drop in services, domestic violence charity with drop ins, outreach, social events and a women's centre with all of the above. You can meet kind, supportive women and get help with this for no cost if you know where to look. Women's aid would be a good port of call to start with. You can do it. You don't want your children growing up believing this is normal do you?

Sleeping with your best friend is another example of how little he respects you.

Think of this morning. How would it have been if no longer lived in the house? You'd have done the same things, the same jobs but without the put down and digs about coffee and sugar. Without the walking in eggshell feeling, without the crappy feeling, the anxiety on your belly. You are an intelligent, grown woman. A mother of 3. You do not need to have another adult telling you to drink less coffee and bloody digging about no sugar in the bowl. You certainly don't need to live with violence and aggression.

Please get the support and get rid. You CAN do it.

I never thought I had the strength and skills to parent by myself. But I do.....once you do it and do it for good you feel such a sense of liberation and empowerment it keeps the strength coming from within.

You deserve to be happy.

I still have nightmares where I am still with my ex. That heart wrenching gut feeling of WHY AM I STILL HERE... I hate it.

You can do it, you can. Start making plans. It's just a start right? My start was finding a better paid job, so I could manage on my own... that was my start. Just one small step was all it took, and the rest fell together.

Good luck OP. You do not have to put up with this. He sounds like a despicable human. Be brave, you can do it. One step at a time.

It's the underlying current that's always there, even when we are getting along.

I gave up my job a couple of weeks ago. I have really fucked up.

I can't stay here, I just can't live the rest if my days under someone's thumb. It is soul destroying.
I would give anything for a decent family and some rl support.

I know you moved away from your family, but could you move back to near them again?
Were they a support for you before you DH decided to cut you off from them?
If not then you need to call Women's Aid and start to make an exit plan.
Why did you leave your job? Pressure from him?
Start applying for jobs tomorrow so you have some independence when the time comes to run away.
He sounds completely vile but you already know he is.
You deserve better. Your children deserve better.
They are going to grow up thinking this is how a man behaves in a relationship. Not good at all.
Make that plan. You left before so you can do it again.
Try to get some family support.

If you only gave up your job a couple of weeks ago the chances are that they havent replaced you yet. Could you give your employer a call and tell them you would like to come back?

Just typed a long response and lost it ffs

How is it going today?
Have you made any decisions?
It's worrying that you haven't posted since the last one!
Let us know what's happening.
Hope you are safe.

Thinking of u blonde. Hope you're ok today x