Can't believe he's done it again....need a hand hold

[Arethereanyusernamesleft]

I've posted a few times on here about my dh's affair that I discovered 3 months ago. He has been unable to tear himself away from her. I found out (after 3 weeks) that he was messaging her again within an hour of us agreeing to try and make our marriage work. He broke it off but was back in touch 1 week later. I found out about this 2 weeks later after suspecting something was going on. I couldn't find any actual proof, it was just a gut feeling that something wasn't right so I asked him outright and he admitted it. I made it perfectly clear that we were finished if he did it again.

Please don't flame me for putting up with his behaviour so far. I have 2 disabled dc under 10 and the eldest has severe mental health problems. He has been suicidal for the past year and I've been trying to hold the family together as I was terrified it would push ds1 over the edge. Unfortunately the whole situation has left me feeling like a hollow shell. I'm extremely depressed, have regular panic attacks and my anxiety and stress levels are sky high.

Anyway, I've had my suspicions again for a few weeks. I asked him outright yesterday and he got very defensive and denied everything. I haven't been able to find any actual proof until today. OW tends to post a lot online and I've managed to find a few private places where she posts. This afternoon she has posted how her and dh have been in tears to each other on the phone because I have suspicions and they will have to put things on hold for a bit. It's the final straw for me and I'm going to LTB. I know it's got to be done but I'm terrified...

Sweetheart you will not look back. And I bet those panic attacks go away.

Fuck him. Let the, go. He is not for you. Take your time and extricate yourself from it.

Why not tell him now to leave, not come home, and then begin to process it?

Big unMN hugs to you xxx

LTB

You will be fine; better than fine without him hurting you and bringing you down.

Well done you

I have absolutely no words of wisdom for you, but just wanted to send you a huge bag of strength in your convictions.
As they say, you are about to be 13 stone of total twat lighter and those panic attacks are about to vanish into the wind.
I know you're scared, but this is the right right right decision. You deserve to be treated with love, respect and kindness and this relationship is bringing you none of these.
Good luck

I second something2say. Just tell him to get the fuck out

Things will be better than you think.

Be strong, you're doing the right thing!

You know it is going to be fucking hard to do it alone. I bet as the others say it will be like a load of weight off. Make use of friends, family and whatever support you can get.

How much does he actually do when he is not busy chasing OW? Everything will seem easier when you are not chasing your tail worried and stressed by your twat of a H.

How dare they be in tears and put things on hold until you are less suspicious. Selfish nasty pair.

LTB. Life is short, don't waste any more precious time. You will look back on this from a better place, I'm sure of it. Be brave, you'll be ok.

Well done. It is hard now but you are doing the right thing. A life lived with half truths and suspicions is no life at all.

His behaviour is causing your anxiety and panic attacks, you can leave him.

In regards to your DC do you have care plans in place, a professional you can confide in to help you get as much support as possible.

Do you have RL help or savings.

Oh and screenshot away on those messages from her for evidence for a divorce.

/hugs

Put him out now

Enough

What a toad

She's posting about the affair online?! Nice.

Tell him to go. I'm pretty sure your anxiety etc will reduce once he's gone and you are no longer second guessing everything. It's awful thinking you can rely on someone and living in that constant state of sadness and disappointment.

for you.

It's the right decision. You will feel awful for a while but SO much better in the long run. He can't hurt you anymore if you don't let him. Get him out of your life.
Good luck x

I don't have any real life support, in fact, I don't even speak the language in this country. I have no idea what will happen next, I feel terrified but also relieved. The relief comes from knowing that I don't have to be wondering what he's up to all the time.

I have only just found out all this information an hour ago and haven't said anything yet as ds1 is awake. I really can't confront dh with ds1 around.

Nasty bastard. And she's a nasty, trashy, insensitive skank so fucking well deserve eachother.

I hope they drag eachother down.

I'm so sorry, your OP made me feel angry on your behalf. It's shite but without him, your life will be so much brighter.

Hugs OP.
It's shit.
But you are doing the right thing.

Is he good with the kids? There is no reason why he can't continue to be so. Let it be up to him how much he sees them and how much help he gives.

Take your time, love

Just make sure you use the time wisely..to firm up your resolve to call time on this farce, rather than let the hurt fade a little and then let him brush it under the carpet again

sinistersal - he can be good with the kids when he is in a good mood. However, he has never really come to terms with their disabilities and can't cope with anything that he doesn't consider normal i.e. he shouts at them for making repetitive sounds.

So you need to make plans to go home?

There are people that can help with that, can you arrange some help?

My heart dropped another mile reading your last post, can we help at all?

that is so sad arethereany for your kids. And for your husband too, if he had the wit to see what he is missing out on.

Though you could look at it this way - you are not going to be much worse off, in practical day to day terms when you separate.

Wishing you the best.

Concentrate on the lightness you will feel when you no longer have to waste your emotional energy worrying about this idiot.

Very best of luck xx

I made myself ill when I tried to hold the family together after discovering my STBXH affair. Even when he told me it had finished things didn't feel good as my gut reaction was screaming out. In the end I was right he was still seeing her. Once he left although it was hard the first fed mths I eventually started to feel so much better and wasn't crying as I drove to work. Well done on making the right decision for you and your chdren. You will feel so much better when he leaves and you and your lovely children will be a happy family unit. Good luck and there is so much advice here. It took me months to find MN but once I did it has helped so much.