Lover goes quiet on me after sex :(

[poisonarrow]

I have a lover I met on the net two years ago.

During that time we have gone through phases where we are not in touch but it's always unfinished business and one of us will text the other.

We spend the night together now and again and it's absolutely fantastic and feels like we are really close. He will ring me the next day and tell me how great it was.

Then he will disappear for a bit... not text or be in touch for a week or two.

Then suddenly he will start texting again, 'pursue' me.

We don't live near each other and have busy lives, especially him.

Why this pattern? Anyone else experienced anything like this? I just don't understand why I get the cold shoulder after we've had such an amazing time.

I'm used to the pattern but I find it difficult. If I try to find out why he just says he's been really busy.

No, there's nothing you can do.

Delete, block, move on.

Set yourself some firm boundaries for your next relationship.

If you want to hear from someone in between dates, set your expectation at the beginning, and if it tails off, you need to end it.

You will probably find that if you are clearer in the beginning about what works for you, that it will weed out anyone incompatible in terms of committment quite early on.

I met someone like this on POF once. Quickly binned, I won't put up with that BS.

Is there anything I can do to make this work better for me?

No, in a word.

OP, I think the trick is to try and work out what YOU want and then (as far as possible) orient your lovers and dating life to meeting it? But it doesn't have to be "all" from this one guy? Make it work for you...

Ok, so you want more:

attention and chat and contact -set up another online dating account to find other contacts to flirt with

more conversation/discussion in a non romantic way -go into AIBU and start something controversial or get a new hobby

more regular real company - start dating other men, i mean with FT work i reckon a girl only needs about 2-3 "interests" and your calendar is pretty much full and you'll be tired and need a break after a month!

Its no point analysing why "one" person can't give you what you need -you'll just keep getting the "too busy" excuse. but you can still take action to make sure you're happier with things overall

Yes, you can either ditch him or embrace the benefits of the odd commitment-free shag. My advice would be don't waste loads of time trying to make this somethingit's not...

At the end of the day it's all very well telling yourself you are fine with an on/off romance but really what he is telling you is he doesn't value you enough to give you any kind of commitment and by commitment I just mean keeping in touch on a regular basis! If he can't even give you this then what is the point, you're really just wasting your time.

There's no worse turn off for me than a man that acts like this, if you allow someone to treat you as 2nd best then that's what you will get.

Is there anything I can do to make this work better for me?

1. Decide what you want
2. Ask him for it
3. Move on if it is not forthcoming.

Whoever asked, I'm sure he's not married. He told me loads about himself. He says he's never lived with someone (maybe a bit odd at 38?). He doesn't live near me so I wouldn't know if there were other women but he said there weren't and it seemed genuine. He never accepted my friendship request on FB though and that did make me a bit suspicious.

Looking back there were maybe red flags (bitches about exes, has DS he doesn't see) but I thought I didn't care because I didn't want him to be my partner anyway, just a lover and he was really nice to me (he is really charming and lovely). He seemed like just what I needed and the opposite of my ex.

best I met him on POF aswell! Wonder if it's the same guy... :)

I'm going to ignore for a bit. He will come crawling after a while, that's the pattern. Half of me is thinking if I make him come after me I might feel back in control, but he seems to lose interst when I get really keen again.

Maybe your right lorna, the solution is to find someone else aswell ;)

I know I'm wasting my time really, just needed to be told. It's just when I see him it's great :(

So there isn't any real evidence that he isn't married, other than he's told you loads of lies about himself.

He sounds a bit horrible TBH. The trouble with horrible people who are nice to you at the moment is that they can easily decide to stop being nice to you and put you in the same bracket as all the people they bitch about.

I wouldn't know if there were other women but he said there weren't and it seemed genuine

They do that. I once had someone tell me that he didn't even fancy anyone else, and it turned out he was shagging around. They tell you what they want you to believe.

I wouldn't know if there were other women but he said there weren't and it seemed genuine

They do that. I once had someone tell me that he didn't even fancy anyone else, and it turned out he was shagging around. They tell you what they want you to believe.

What happened with you? I found myself in same situation and stumbled upon this while googling

Zombie

I expect she died of old age.🙄