Is this inappropriate?

[unsure83]

NC as this is a pretty pathetic problem. But I can't work out if I am doing something wrong or not and would like the MN jury to help!

I am a member of a forum for people in a creative industry. It is something that I really enjoy and would like to make a career out of.

For the last four months or so, I have been private messaging/emailing one particular man on the forum. He is married and about 10/15 years older than me (I'm 30).

We exchange messages three or four times a week. He is a bit further on in his career, so is acting as something of a mentor to me - giving me help and advice, contacts etc. We exchange internet links and chat about random stuff.

At no stage have we ever discussed our personal lives, feelings etc. The tone of the messages is jokey and affectionate. I suppose it could be interpreted as flirtatious, but as far as I am concerned really isn't. Nothing sexual is ever said. For what it is worth, we do put a couple of kisses on the end of every message.

Anyway..I happened to mention this is in passing to a friend today. She was extremely shocked and quite angry. She said that it was completely inappropriate for me to exchange private messages with a married man. She said his wife would probably be mortified if she found out and that I was nothing but "wank material".

I've given the matter some thought. I haven't done anything I am ashamed of and am completely happy for his wife to read every message I've sent.

However, I have no desire to cause problems in a relationship - I read too much rubbish in this forum and would hate to be part of something like that.

I suppose my question is - is it inappropriate for me to be messaging him as I am?

Thanks for reading if you have got this far!

I don't think you're doing anything wrong btw. If he is that's his lookout.

"If he is that's his lookout."

If only that were the case.

She's got a male friend. She's doing nothing wrong.

If there is anything inappropriate on his side it's fuck all to do with her (and it really doesn't sound like there is anyway)

He's not her friend.

He's a man she has never met, who is something of an online mentor.

If there is anything inappropriate on his side, it has EVERYTHING to do with her.

This contact is valuable to her.

Keeping it above reproach is important.

If boundaries are crossed and she somehow makes an enemy of this man, the only person it will damage is HER.

Oh for goodness sake.

She's chatting with him. Boundaries aren't being crossed, nor is there risk of damage if she makes an 'enemy' (btw, dramatic much)

It's a big hoo har over nothing - if he was a woman it wouldn't even be an issue.

She's chatting with him A LOT considering she doesn't know him.

And no, obviously the issues would be different if it was a woman

But a woman looking to break into a new field and using a man as a mentor and source of connections needs to be very careful that the relationship stays on a professional footing.

That's life.

If this guy fancies her and decides that he'd like to take things further and she finds herself in the position of having to knock him back, that will hurt her.

Making sure he can be in no doubt about her intentions is only sensible.

Her 'intentions' are very clear since she's talking to him about them already. Mentioning anything else is bringing that to the table and the last thing she would want to be doing. Very unprofessional and would cause more harm than good.

Anyway OP, I'm no coming on to your thread to argue with someone else, that's not helpful.

As far as I'm concerned you've done nothing wrong whatsoever (and I'd say the same if it turned out to me my husband you were talking to).

Her 'intentions' are very clear since she's talking to him about them already. Mentioning anything else is bringing that to the table and the last thing she would want to be doing. Very unprofessional and would cause more harm than good.

Anyway OP, I'm no coming on to your thread to argue with someone else, that's not helpful.

As far as I'm concerned you've done nothing wrong whatsoever (and I'd say the same if it turned out to be my husband you were talking to).

Thank you all for your comments.

There seem to be two strands 'you could be buggering up your career' and 'this is inappropriate because he is married'.

The first one I can see some validity in. I don't consider him a professional colleague - he is an online friend. However, there may be a small possibility of us working together in the future so I will definitely bear it in mind and perhaps reduce the frequency of the messages a bit.

Quilt, whilst I value your input I don't really identify with what you say. I am not a little girl, I am a woman of 30. I don't 'like attention' anymore than the next person. I'm really not sure what i have said that gave you that impression.

If I wanted attention of a personal nature from this man then I would talk to him about my feelings, try and involve him in my life. I do none of that.

I do not even know if he has children. He messages me at all hours of the day - I have no idea if it eats into his family time, because I have no idea when that is.

I may not be married, but that does not mean that I do not respect marriage or that I do not understand what appropriate behaviour is.

We are not friends on Facebook, I do not have his telephone number. I think my friend was overreacting.

Thank you to you all, your views and experiences have been incredibly useful to me.

I'm in a creative industry and started out by seeking advice/chatting on forums etc. I asked pretty much everyone for advice, left kisses on messages (usual form for me and is also widespread from my agent to publishers).

I think you're reading WAY too much into it. If it's a similar industry, people go out of their way to help and are extremely friendly - kisses everywhere but no inappropriate talk - you'll look like a right plum if you start going off on one about 'cooling it down'. Not only does it seem immature, it's completely out of order. If anyone who asked me for support/help suggested that, my DP would think I'd been trying to get my leg over instead of trying to give someone a leg up!

Thanks both for your responses.

Stainless - I definitely see meeting up as being a boundary. Not saying that it will never happen, but I think that is the point when, if there is attraction (which is not so far evident) then it will become apparent.

No plans to meet up and I would not email him as I do if we were going to.

Upnotdown - I think you may have read my post wrong. I am not reading anything into it, it is other people (my friend) who are. I am not going to suggest "cooling it down" because as far as I am concerned, there is nothing to cool. But it is good to know that it is a fairly usual occurrence.