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Original poster

Is this inappropriate?

63 replies

unsure83 · 11/09/2013 15:41

NC as this is a pretty pathetic problem. But I can't work out if I am doing something wrong or not and would like the MN jury to help!

I am a member of a forum for people in a creative industry. It is something that I really enjoy and would like to make a career out of.

For the last four months or so, I have been private messaging/emailing one particular man on the forum. He is married and about 10/15 years older than me (I'm 30).

We exchange messages three or four times a week. He is a bit further on in his career, so is acting as something of a mentor to me - giving me help and advice, contacts etc. We exchange internet links and chat about random stuff.

At no stage have we ever discussed our personal lives, feelings etc. The tone of the messages is jokey and affectionate. I suppose it could be interpreted as flirtatious, but as far as I am concerned really isn't. Nothing sexual is ever said. For what it is worth, we do put a couple of kisses on the end of every message.

Anyway..I happened to mention this is in passing to a friend today. She was extremely shocked and quite angry. She said that it was completely inappropriate for me to exchange private messages with a married man. She said his wife would probably be mortified if she found out and that I was nothing but "wank material".

I've given the matter some thought. I haven't done anything I am ashamed of and am completely happy for his wife to read every message I've sent.

However, I have no desire to cause problems in a relationship - I read too much rubbish in this forum and would hate to be part of something like that.

I suppose my question is - is it inappropriate for me to be messaging him as I am?

Thanks for reading if you have got this far!

OP posts:
Quiltcover · 11/09/2013 21:05

I'm not a 'demure' 'neglected' wife and this wound still annoy me' as I think it would a lot of wives would.

Facepalmninja · 11/09/2013 21:16

In answer to you op yes

Facepalmninja · 11/09/2013 21:16

Your not you

SlangKing · 11/09/2013 21:20

A lot of wives maybe, but not ALL wives. Fact remains that we know zilch about the wife in this thread. Enough reason for me to support the OP on the grounds of 'reasonable' doubt.

WhiteandGreen · 11/09/2013 21:22

It's not up to the OP to police this guys marriage.

Original poster
unsure83 · 11/09/2013 21:25

But as SK says, surely I cannot know whether or not his wife cares about this or not. I don't know. His marriage is his business and his responsibility. I cannot know if he is crossing a boundary or not.

I am not leading him on, I am not talking about his wife, his feelings. I am not suggestive, I do not ask him about his life. I am not doing anything that I wouldn't do with a casual female friend.

I probably didn't make myself entirely clear. When I said "affectionate", a better word would be "familiar". We are jokey and familiar.

In certain contexts, jokey and familiar could be interpreted as flirting. I have reviewed the messages I've sent and I do not regret a single one of them.

Surely, as long as I am careful that none of my personal boundaries are crossed, there is nothing wrong with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
unsure83 · 11/09/2013 21:25

But as SK says, surely I cannot know whether or not his wife cares about this or not. I don't know. His marriage is his business and his responsibility. I cannot know if he is crossing a boundary or not.

I am not leading him on, I am not talking about his wife, his feelings. I am not suggestive, I do not ask him about his life. I am not doing anything that I wouldn't do with a casual female friend.

I probably didn't make myself entirely clear. When I said "affectionate", a better word would be "familiar". We are jokey and familiar.

In certain contexts, jokey and familiar could be interpreted as flirting. I have reviewed the messages I've sent and I do not regret a single one of them.

Surely, as long as I am careful that none of my personal boundaries are crossed, there is nothing wrong with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
unsure83 · 11/09/2013 21:25

But as SK says, surely I cannot know whether or not his wife cares about this or not. I don't know. His marriage is his business and his responsibility. I cannot know if he is crossing a boundary or not.

I am not leading him on, I am not talking about his wife, his feelings. I am not suggestive, I do not ask him about his life. I am not doing anything that I wouldn't do with a casual female friend.

I probably didn't make myself entirely clear. When I said "affectionate", a better word would be "familiar". We are jokey and familiar.

In certain contexts, jokey and familiar could be interpreted as flirting. I have reviewed the messages I've sent and I do not regret a single one of them.

Surely, as long as I am careful that none of my personal boundaries are crossed, there is nothing wrong with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
unsure83 · 11/09/2013 21:25

Sorry for double post!

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/09/2013 21:26

No, it's not up to her to "police" his marriage.

But it is up to her to make sure she doesn't overstep social boundaries and end up turning a useful professional connection into a problematic one.

If this guy fancies her, this could turn easily turn bad for her.

Original poster
unsure83 · 11/09/2013 21:29

I am definitely alive to that Playfellows, and this has taught me to be more vigilant. I may well also reduce the amount of times I message him, perhaps leave it a couple more days before I reply.

I had not considered the professional angle of it before, and whilst it is highly unlikely to bite me on the bum, I will be careful.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/09/2013 21:30

Well you know for a fact that someone who is YOUR friend thinks your relationship with this man is inappropriate.

So other people might too.

And not just his wife.

If you want to break into this field, you need to keep your connection with this guy on above reproach.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/09/2013 21:32

Sorry x-posted.

Just remember what Dahlen said.

As a newbie, and as a woman, you are way more likely to bear the brunt of any bad feeling that might arise from this.

I'm sure you can maintain the relationship but cut it back so it is less intense between the two of you.

The last thing you need is him getting the wrong idea.

Seriously, that's really worse for you than his wife getting the wrong idea.

Good luck with your new career, should you make the jump :)

Original poster
unsure83 · 11/09/2013 21:56

Thanks :)

OP posts:
Lioninthesun · 11/09/2013 22:00

It is pretty sad that in this day and age women have to stop being 'familiar' in case the man in question fancies her and it screws up her chances. I know it is an age old issue but it still bugs me that men can do this to a woman with no backlash; could just laugh her off as a psycho 'reading too much into it' if called on it and so are able to have much freer and relaxed conversations in business. Women have to be cold, hard and detached, which isn't always what a company wants, but what we have to be.
Sorry for that op, I felt for your situation and got a little peeved.

Quiltcover · 11/09/2013 22:17

You don't regret sending a married man emails with kisses?

Do you send ens

Quiltcover · 11/09/2013 22:17

Do you send emails with kisses to every male?

Original poster
unsure83 · 11/09/2013 22:31

Some I do, some I don't. It depends on the context.

No. I don't regret sending this man, married or otherwise, emails with kisses on them.

OP posts:
Original poster
unsure83 · 11/09/2013 22:31

Thanks, Lion :)

OP posts:
Quiltcover · 12/09/2013 07:28

You sound quite naive considering you are a lawyer and a little vulnerable to attention.
Maybe when you are married with children, you can reflect then on what is appropriate and isn't. I'm not saying that you have to police his actions, but yes you are encouraging it.
If a guy behaves in a flirty manner with kisses etc who is married, you do not respond in the same way as that us encouraging him and saying 'yes I like us communicating like this'. I'm also perplexed as to why the emails are so regular? It us unusual for a mentor to communicate so often. What times is he emailing? Are you friends by any other means (FB etc).

TiredDog · 12/09/2013 07:36

I have a friend who is an artist. He often messages fellow artists for support, encouragement and exchange of ideas. I imagine the banter is often humorous because he is, often late at night...he works late into the night and probably involves women because approx 50% of the world is female.

I really see no issue with this.

The same man and I shared a hobby, cycling and we often went off just the two of us for a couple of hours dressed in skin tight Lycra chatting about everything under the sun. Never ever once did it become inappropriate, secretive or threatening to his marriage (I was single)

His wife knows me and we chat about our children. He did once suggest his wife looked after my children because I struggle to get childcare, in order to go out and cycle with him. I refused because that felt an abuse of her.

Your relationship sounds innocent and wouldn't threaten me

TiredDog · 12/09/2013 07:41

Maybe when you are married with children, you can reflect then on what is appropriate and isn't Patronising much?

Do you think you are projecting a bit here Quilt? Being married with children doesn't make you special in any way. It might make you feel more vulnerable but that's more about you, than an innocent business relationship.

I have a colleague who signs off his emails to me with a wink. Every time I look with a Hmm but I also know he is an utterly devoted father (2nd due any day) and there really is no suggestion of anything untoward to me. He probably does it to every colleague that he is being informal with

TiredDog · 12/09/2013 07:49

I've just read the whole thread and am a little Shock at 'wives' who feel their relationship could be threatened by emails like this.

I am not the having an affair kind of woman. End. The way someone communicates with me will not change that.

gamerchick · 12/09/2013 08:01

People can find something in nothing.. jesus.

OP I can't see anything wrong with what you've written. Your messages aren't of a personal nature and who gives a toss about kisses? Some people actually have a bit of trust and feel secure in their relationships.

Jengnr · 12/09/2013 10:09

I had a similar thing with a slightly older married man I met on a forum. We used to email each other all day (just chatting, nothing inappropriate) he used to counsel me through my relationship disasters, tell me about stuff him and his wife and child were doing etc.

We even met up a couple of times when I was in London - he took me out for lunch, bought me an occasional beer. His wife knew about me, was a touch uneasy but OK.

I still see him regularly - he's now my brother in law - and his wife and I get on marvellously. :D

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