my husband is hiring hookers i'm pregnant with 2 kids/lyme disease

[girl123]

Found out that he is hiring hookers in hotels when he travels for work. I'm shattered, pregnant 14 weeks, and just been diagnosed with chronic lyme disease. He is saying that it was "a big mistakes", even though right before he came home 2 nights in the row he was hiring them.
I'm lost, can't sleep, eat, feeling like i have to leave him, but have no strength. He is saying it was a big mistake.
I'm attractive, 37, we were having sex (when i'm not sick), have 2 small children. I'm very scared for the future-no income, no career, live in the country where i came with him because of his work. And he is about to lose his job because of lies.

Re the lawyer thing - he's full of shit. He will not 'crush you'. He married you - this means that he has to support you in the event of you getting divorced. He isn't going to get away with not giving you anything. Is he American? Sounds like he doesn't understand English law.

:( how quickly that worm turned.

Mediation is not good with an abuser. I feel confident that he is that. You don't need mediation to keep the divorce amicable you just need him to not be a dick about it.

Oh dear :(
He tries to blame you and the relationship for his cheating with sex workers. He says the relationship needed work yet he was undermining it by his cheating for years.
There was no relationship really - not when one person is lying and cheating continuously. What you thought you had was false.
He doesn't respect women, he sees them as sexual objects to be bought and used. That would be a deal breaker for me, regardless of the sexual cheating element.
Worst, absolutely worst of all is that he could have picked up an STI and passed it to your children through you. If he had given you herpes for example while you were pregnant it could mean you couldn't have a vaginal birth otherwise you would risk the baby's life. Likewise if he gave you syphilis, HIV etc the baby would be born with it. Just think on that. What kind of man takes that risk with his wife and baby's health? One who is profoundly, irreversibly selfish and doesn't care about the harm he causes as long as he meets his own selfish needs.
I'm sorry, you are in a shitty situation. But you can't brush this under the carpet.

He claims that those girls where giving him only a "rub on his dick"

Oh, well THAT'S ok then.

What a prize twat. I also think he's full of shit re: the lawyer. You are entitled to what you're entitled to. Get your own solicitor and find out exactly what you need to do.

Good luck, OP. You are well rid of this utter knob bag.

There is plenty of blame to go around
I know that now you are not interested in working on our issues

mmmhm. Blaming bastard.

Your last post is the most revealing. He seems to want a divorce and on his own terms! He can obviously get very nasty if he wants to and is trying to bully you. You need to be smart. I would agree to go to independent mediation, this will help sort out the immediate concerns such as finance, access and so forth. I would also keep in mind though that whatever you agree to now, will become precedent for the future and will be difficult to amend significantly. My understanding is that you will both need solicitors anyway, but if you can agree the main points (money, access etc...) in mediation it will cost you a lot less than 2 solicitors sending endless letters to each other trying to agree the tiniest of details. I feel for you because obviously things are moving very fast, you are pregnant and ill and you need to deal with all of this too. As other people have suggested you need to get some support around you fast, either through family or close friends. I would also go to your GP and let him/her know what is going on. How old are your other kids? Be brave, you will get through it and you will be better off - but it sounds like the next year or so is going to be tough to say the least.

Blimey, he's a charmer isn't he Poor you!

I agree it's despicable that he tries to blame you for his bad behaviour, and also that you may as well accept his temporary 'holding' solution.

On the other hand, this is presumably to allow him time to secure everything in his own favour. I think you should get legal advice regardless, can your family or friends help with this whilst you get to grips with your illness?

I'm sorry you're having such a shit time. Do, please, gather good people around you. No need to hide the truths.

Also, I think you will be okay with the medication and the baby, they can prescribe pregnancy friendly anti-biotics which shouldn't do any harm and I think you can still breastfeed, but hopefully it will have gone by then!! I would get online and research local(ish) solicitors who provide independent mediation. Get a list of 3 or so and then decide (jointly if you can) who to use.

Thank you all for advice since i have never went through divorce and don't know the laws in this country. He is American, i'm from EU, Our kids are 4 and 6 we both love them tremendously. I know i have to be brave, but it's very scary to face all this. Just 6 days ago i was showing live scan of my baby to my kids and we were all so happy about new baby...
I went to doctor, done all the tests, ask for psychotherapist... All of you are so helpful to me at the moment

Even though he is obviously the 'baddie' in this nightmare of a story, this will have no bearing in the eyes of English Law. Based on my own experiences I would try to get an agreement through mediation to keep things stable; stay in the family home, keep the kids in the same school/nursery, keep him as the 'earner' / income provider, work out set access to the children (every other wkd, plus a week-day, also holidays?). I would also set up an appointment with CAB (I get this through our local GP surgery) and they will be able to help you sort out your benefits / child support entitlements. For example once he leaves the property you will not have to pay the full amount of council tax (or any at all depending on what income you are left with). I would get a budget together regarding your (and the kids) outgoings / expenditure and take it with you to mediation. Are all of your finances in 'joint' names in terms of your property, bank accounts / debts / loans etc...? Sorry to hit you with all of these practicals but I am hoping you have others to give you the emotional support you need at this time.

Plus without wishing to sound really negative, keep the kids' American passports under your control??

Plus and I appreciate this is 'way out there' and will probably cause a shit storm on MN - but you are entitled (at 14 weeks) to abort this baby if you so wish. However, I understand how difficult a decision this would be but you do have the right. Sorry all!

Alsteff, thank you very much for practical advice, what is CAM (i'm ignorant when it comes to things like that). Is this a normal arrangement for access to the children -every other wkd, plus a week-day and holidays? I know he is hoping 50%. Most of our finances are in joint names (mostly debt), and he has some joint trusts with his father i know..

And thank you all for your perspectives on him and our situation My mind is clear normally, but when it happens to you you have moments brain weakness and it becomes hard to look into your own life.

Garlicbaguette, your are right he needs time to turn everything to his own favor since he did not expect me to find out and he is completely lost for now. He was hoping to move to US with his presumably new future job where his family is residing mostly and feels cornered that now he has to stay in UK and look for a job in this country

i'm worried that he will cut me out from bank accounts so i won't have any cash, any idea how much money solicitors charge for a help/getting done with marriage, and will I be looked after better regardless money issue if i will hire one next to mediator? Thank you girls, who went through it i feel with all of you-it's a nightmare

I'm sure someone who knows more about divorce law can correct me if I'm wrong, but basically in England when a couple divorce there is no bad person and innocent party, the courts don't take into account the behaviour of anyone involved. So for example you wouldn't get more money because your husband cheated on you, even though he was the one who broke the marriage vows. You can file for divorce for adultery, unreasonable behaviour and 2 years separation. Unreasonable behaviour can be almost anything (using prostitutes would certainly do it!). The court takes into accounts all the assets of the marriage and then divides them up in a fair way. It is illegal to hide assets from the court, although people do try. I'm not sure how it would work if a lot of his assets were in America. They might be under US jurisdiction and you/the court might not be able to get hold of them.

You really need to consult a solicitor quickly. I also advise hanging on to the children's passports.

Can you pretend everything's ok whilst you get a house and finances sorted secretly?

I have no clue how should i even sort finances secretly-it's mostly debt, but he still makes money and puts it on our joint account for everyday use. About US assets, should i photocopy papers whatever i find i quess?
Also I'm worried that due to my unfit health he might try to get more time with kids to

I think you should post in the lagal matter topic or the lone parenting topic for some legal advice on what your next steps should be. Also I think some solicitors will do a free hour's consultation.

Sorry - LEGAL MATTERS

This is what he is writing me after i wrote that he crushed me:

Not true. I made one mistake. And for 10 years I devoted my life to you and our kids despite everything you did (or didn't do) to make our relationship as difficult as possible. Don't dare to pretend this is all my fault. I gave you and our family everything I could. I don't think you cnan say the same.

Stop conversing with him. Visit a solicitor and direct communication through them. Also I reckon get some support from women's aid -

www.womensaid.org.uk/

YOU made the relationship as difficult as possible...??

HE gave you everything he could...??

Oh, he's a peach isn't he? Completely agree with Offred. Get yourself a lawyer and stop communicating with him. And make sure everyone knows EXACTLY whose fault the end of your marriage is. He's already re-writing history. Don't let him continue.

I contacted someone...will see. But afraid of his reaction. Until now he was sucking up to me hoping i will forget, but i don't think i should or can..I told him i contacted lawyer but still we are supposed to see a mediator.
Im trying to hold somehow, but i don't know how women went through divorces it's so painful and scary, so much animosity...loneliness. thank you all fro tremendous support and advice.
I assume if you close your eyes to things like that you are setting yourself for failure and unhappiness.