My marriage is over

[SunshineSuperNova]

My husband is an alcoholic. I kidded myself that he would find a way to control his drinking, that there would be no more hidden bottles.

He's smashed again. Lied to my face that he hadn't drunk. I found the bottle.

I feel incredibly calm at the moment - I'm probably just too tired to panic. I can't afford to move out just yet, but will be in the spare room from tomorrow night.

I have no advice, but well done. Best of luck to you

It sounds like the right decision to make. Not very good with advice, but there are a lot of people on here that are. They're obviously all asleep right now though!

Get up tomorrow, make a list and make a start on the rest of your life. Yes it will be shitty for a while, take a lot of resolve, but you need to stay strong and put yourself first, because this is the rest of your life that is at stake here. Make it a good one

The other, less sympathetic view would be - go on, leave him when he needs your help. He has an illness, you vowed to stick together, in sickness and in health.

But hey, you've decided to abandon the one you loved, the one you made a life with, because he's ill. Hope karma doesn't come back and bite your ass.

Go on MN, flame me for telling the truth.

OP - I feel really, really sorry for you, sorry for you both. I'm sure you've tried, but it IS solvable, it IS fixable, but I can't see him doing it on his own.

He is the only one who can fix it!! Until he sees what he stands to lose, chances are very very high that he will not change.

Cronullansw pitiful comments aside, good for you. It's not your fault and it's not your responsibility.

Be strong.

He won't solve this while you enable him, that is the bottom line

Are you going to Al-anon? They are the most enormous help. They teach you how to live your life WHATEVER your alcoholic is doing, how to take the focus and obsession off of him and onto your own life, so that you can live without suffering, with dignity and with happiness.

He is ill, and funnily enough the attempts to control just make YOUR life unmanageable.

Please find your nearest group and go. It might end that you come to the same conclusion, but you can do it with calmness and serenity.

PS the other really wonderful thing about al anon is that you are so not alone, other people tell your story. They also talk quite clearly about how much they love their alcoholic.

It is a huge support OP I hope you do find the courage to go.

Cron is completely wrong. Please contact alanon for some advice which is based in evidence, not knee jerk bullshit.

Noone should be expected to "save" someone else in this situation, by supporting a downward spiral. This is not a case of hanging in there for another persons wellbeing , but complicity in harmful behaviour.

From Al anon:

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person's alcoholism can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively.
Alcoholism is a family disease. Living with the effects of someone else's drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help.
In Al-anon we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else's drinking. We are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it.
Detachment allos us to let go of our obsession with another's behaviour and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behaviour.

IN AL ANON WE LEARN:

• Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
• Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery.
• Not to do for others what they can do for themselves.
• Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, got to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit.
• Not to cover up for another's mistakes or misdeeds.
• Not to create a crisis
• Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.

I think Al anon is brilliant. That need for serenity focussing on yourself and letting go covers a lot of MN relationship situations IMO.
You do not have to have an active drinker in your life to go to al anon, because the problems of alcoholism cascade down the generations and touch many family members explaining why people find emotional abuse, self absorbtion and lack of intimacy as 'normal' and choose it in future spouses.

So don't think that because you don't have a close member that drinks, that you don't deserve the support of al anon.

If you don't separate from him he will drag you down further. His lies may seem infuriating, however, IME being open about the drinking and in total acceptance of a problem, still does not necessarily mean there is better hope of abstinence. Although they say admitting the problem is a start, it's a long way off an end and not worth pinning hopes on. The best you can do is withdraw all support. If he still drinks - it's his life choice bad though it is and others around must move on.

There was an interesting column in Guardian Family supplement where they have a regular column about living with an alcoholic. In conversation with her counsellor she had been in a dilemma about leaving her DH for whom she still had love and wanted to support, though he was impossible to live with. The counsellor told her ' you don't have to end your marriage, you can just say "I cannot be with you while you continue to drink" and leave on that basis.

Thanks everyone - even Cron for giving me a laugh in the small hours.

I've been contacting people about rooms and will be seeing a solicitor soon.

go on, leave him when he needs your help

Only somebody who has never lived with an alcoholic would say that. You can't help an alcoholic. On the rare occasions my mother was sober I would try and talk to her about getting help, and she would just deny she had a problem.

Use al anon

Do you know why he uses alcohol to excess?

Have there are any number of excuses that he uses. I'm sure he has thought of more lies to tell his alcohol counsellor.

YY Lois. I'm sorry about your mother.

Does he have deep seated issues going on such as chidhood issues, or work issues, or feeling depressed or whatever?

Have he has a lot of issues. None of which he is dealing with or has dealt with.

Yes, there's a surprising calm in finally accepting the truth. Good luck to you.

The research literature and collective experience of MN are together on the pointlessness of "standing by" an alcoholic spouse or family member. There is no "cure" that comes from outside of the alcoholic themselves. Your support would mean nothing and achieve nothing. It won't help the alcoholic and would emotionally and financially harm you and any children involved.

PS Does Cronullansw just post to stir things up? Or is this genuine mind-boggling ignorance on his/her part? It was such a ridiculous collection of statements that I giggled too. Alcoholism as "fixable"?!?! Love it.

Funny you noticed that too, CW

With a bit of luck HQ will let the penny drop soon too

Oh Cron, you've clearly not lived it. So don't give advice about it.

OP, as others have said, please consider going to Al-anon. Another great thing you can do is find an 'open' AA meeting (google it) where they welcome non-alcoholics. You can find out so much about alcoholism that way. AA members are very clear and honest about the addiction - you will not get any rubbish about how it's your fault, how you could have done / should do this that or the other - it is ONLY the alcoholic who can do something about the addiction.

It is a big step to accept that a loved one is an alcoholic. From here, you can start a new way of living.
Good luck.

And as for the issues, well, he has to deal with the alcoholism first.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

my mother was alcoholic.

Living with an alcoholic is living in insanity. Get some support for yourself. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.