My marriage is over

[SunshineSuperNova]

My husband is an alcoholic. I kidded myself that he would find a way to control his drinking, that there would be no more hidden bottles.

He's smashed again. Lied to my face that he hadn't drunk. I found the bottle.

I feel incredibly calm at the moment - I'm probably just too tired to panic. I can't afford to move out just yet, but will be in the spare room from tomorrow night.

ODFOD.

Be strong and good luck OP - it's a cliche but alcoholics need to hit to rock bottom before they seek the desire to get help - he's never going to do that while you're still around to pick up the pieces.

Your opinion is wrong, contrary to evidence and harmful.

another huge correlation is between narcissism and addictions: because they BOTH are ways of avoiding toxic shame.

So, if you look at the AA/Al anon steps, they spend a lot of time requiring things that address toxic shame: admitting your life is unmanageable, submitting to a higher power, making a fearless moral inventory of people you have hurt, making amends where possible.

It is why AA is SO HARD and why 'rock bottom' is inevitable; and why using alcohol to avoid issues is such a hard thing to admit.

I think there are some similarities Wellwobbly, and I like your posts.

But surely narcissism is somewhat visible in a person from the age of about 2?
Agree that alcohol can be used as an avoidance tactic, but narcissism is so much more than avoidance.

cronulansw your tone is patronising and offensive. Clearly you enjoy attempting to stir up controversy rather than offering support or advice. Poor you- it's really rather sad. I'm sorry you are so lonely that you need to do that.
OP I have no advice but I really wish you all the best. There is some fantastic advice here.

Guy,

I was expressing an opinion. My view is that op should stand by her partner and help, not run away.

When you are in the shit and need help, I hope your partner doesn't bail on you.

cronulla - do you honestly think the OP hasn't stood by her partner? How many years can someone be expected to sacrifice themselves?!

Through better or worse means you support EACH OTHER. An alcoholic is incapable of supporting anyone, ever. It's not a matter of putting up with some hardships, doing without a little big financially, it is about being dragged down and destroying the whole family along with themselves.

The Op has a duty to herself and her children, to get the hell out of there.

The day he decides he TRULY wants to give up alcohol, she will then be able to support him as the father of her child.

We don't have any children, unless you count a very elderly cat. :)

I moved into the spare room for a couple of nights and started phoning round about rooms to rent. I was completely calm, businesslike and factual.

He finally realised, I think, what he was throwing away. And we're talking in a way we haven't for years. He comes to bed sober and is actively seeking help from others.

I'm not going to predict the future, but for now it's okay.

Good.
If I were you I would print out this thread, so you can refer to it again if you need to. Though it is in Relationships so it shouldnt be going anywhere.

You do right getting out OP. At the root of alcoholism, i believe, is a deeply selfish mindset.
Hence dont agree with cronulla but, my god, this place would be dull if everybody offered the same opinion.

Good luck SuperNova.

Btw, I'm not disagreeing about his selfishness or the mistakes he's making.

As I should have predicted, he's still drinking and hiding bottles. Last night he sat with me and drank non-alcoholic beer - but had cans of lager down the side of the sofa. As if I couldn't tell he was drinking ffs.

He's been binned by the alcohol counsellor for not turning up.

I'm not drinking at the mo (it had become a useful way for me to block out the truth) and I'm making steps to look after myself and get out. It's a slow process.

I've supported him as much as I can and am receiving very little in return. It's not even about the drinking, it's about the lying and the emotional absence.

So sorry to read your update.
But now at least you know you tried your very best.
Time to detach and move out.
At least there are no children so should be easier.

And as a previous poster said:-
You didn't cause this.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Time for YOU now. He has to deal with this on his own. You've done all you can.
All the best and keep updating us with how you get on.

Fantastic, from this day on your life will be so much better. The person above saying he can't do it without you is clearly just trying to cause upset and is clearly a very unhappy person themselves.

You cannot control his drinking, only he can do that, he's had all his chances now, he's chosen the booze, good luck to him, now it's all about you and your new life, which I guarantee you will be far more enriching than your present one.

SSN... all the best for your life and future, hope you find happiness and contentment. I too am detaching from my alcoholic partner, aiming at leaving.

I think sometimes you have to endure a few false starts (or finishes) before you get that 'last straw' moment that finally compels you to act. You'll get there... good luck