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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is it wrong for me to go out?

58 replies

ladypippins · 09/09/2013 11:42

My h doesn't like it when I go out and "expect" him to take care if our son "you wanted him". I don't go out often, less than a handful a year including Christmas do's.

DS gets upset if I go home and then go out, can be a bit clingy (he's at nursery full time) but he seems to be okay if I don't go home first. Although sometimes bed time is tricky as I am the only one to go through the bedtime routine "he doesn't want me".

I need to socialise, just once in a while without feeling guilty. I want to go to a team do next month and am worried about telling H. I think he will say no but I want to stay firm. Given DS sometimes gets upset - is it reasonable for me to go out?

OP posts:

TheGirlFromIpanema · 09/09/2013 11:43

Yes, of course its reasonable.

Does he get to go out without drama?

PinkPlum · 09/09/2013 11:46

Yes of course you should go out. Your ds may get upset without you there but it is up to his other parent to step up and do the job that you do all the time. At least once in a while. You shouldn't have to ask permission or feel guilty about it. Your ds will get used to being put to bed by his father and that is a good thing, for both of you. You are entitled to a bit of independence

BeCool · 09/09/2013 11:57

"I think he will say no"
Are you asking your H for permission to go out? And he can say 'no'?

Does he rule/try to rule other areas of your life?

You are a grown adult - you don't need permission to go out. What you want is not unreasonable.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/09/2013 12:04

So does he help at all as 'you wanted the baby'???
Does he do any hands on child care at all?
Really sorry but I can see sooooo many red flags here, it's a bit alarming.
Is he caring and loving towards you at all?
Do you live near family and friends?
Sorry for all the questions but this just doesn't sit well with me.

FetchezLaVache · 09/09/2013 12:11

Your H needs to step up to the plate, start taking a share of bedtimes to get DS used to him putting him to bed. My ExH was a bit like this, but less overt about it, so I basically started insisting that he take a few bathtimes and bedtimes a week.

DS is his child too! He sounds an arse. Is he controlling in other ways?

Mabelface · 09/09/2013 12:18

You're an adult who doesn't need permission to go out. He's being a controlling arseholian dictator.

Squitten · 09/09/2013 12:19

I'm not surprised your son gets upset when you're not there - his father soounds like he has no interest in him at all.

It is perfectly reasonable to go out on your own. But that really is a side issue to how big of a twat your husband sounds.

pictish · 09/09/2013 12:20

How terrible! Your dh's attitude is wrong. Of course you must go out.
I find his "you wanted him" stance deeply sad and desolate.

Why are you with him?

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 09/09/2013 12:25

No it's not

Lweji · 09/09/2013 12:30

If your OH is not prepared to parent, then consider whether you want to be with him.

If he's busy when you want to go out, you can sort out a babysitter.

I suspect your baby doesn't want him because he never does bedtimes.

Lovingfreedom · 09/09/2013 12:37

No it's not wrong to go out. You deserve it. Your husband sounds very cruel. Do you have someone in RL who you trust who you can talk to about your experiences and relationship? keep posting here for support too.

ThePinkOcelot · 09/09/2013 12:41

Don't ask him, just tell him you are going out. You are an adult and don't need his permission. Does he ask you when he wants to go out? I think you need serious words op.

pictish · 09/09/2013 12:52

Yes he does sound cruel. I agree.

Thurlow · 09/09/2013 12:57

Of course it's not wrong. And you shouldn't have to ask for permission, that is neither right nor healthy. The only reason you should ask anything is to check if your DH already has any plans that night.

Your son has two parents. Both should know how to do everything with him, and both should be willing to do everything with him.

Is there anything else your DH won't let you do?

Original poster

ladypippins · 09/09/2013 13:30

Thanks all. I know I should be able to go out but wasn't sure about the impact on ds.

There are many other issues and I think this will be just another one of them where I'm 'unreasonable'. He thinks it wrong that I want to drive 1.5hrs to see my parents ("you saw them 3months ago!") and when I have been out after a couple of hours he texts wanting to know when Iam leaving, he says its too keep me safe or because I have work next day but it results in me being anxious and clock watching.

The last time I went on a works do (January) I said I'd be home at 7.30pm. I got back at 7.50 - all he said was "you're late. I hope it was worth it it."

So thanks, it helps to know that I AM normal!!

OP posts:

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter · 09/09/2013 13:47

Of course you're normal! Your h on the hand, not so much.

extracrunchy · 09/09/2013 13:49

Your DH sounds borderline abusive to be honest...

BitOutOfPractice · 09/09/2013 13:53

Borderline? I think he sounds like a vile controlling bully and it would break my heart if the father of my children spoke like that about them

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 09/09/2013 14:14

A bloke writes: the man's a miserable controlling twat. If he thinks 3 monthly visits to your parents is excessive, he's exhibiting a massive red flag. That's how it starts, by isolating you from family.

He was normal until DS arrived, wasn't he?

pictish · 09/09/2013 15:25

"you're late...I hope it was worth it"

This guy's a nightmare!

LondonNinja · 09/09/2013 15:30

Goodness. Your husband has conditioned you into accepting so much. He's abusive.

Red flags galore.

Original poster

ladypippins · 09/09/2013 16:17

Before ds was born he was okay, but yes there were red flags then too. We've been together for half m life so I guess I have lost perspective of what's normal. Situation became worse and some physical abuse (due to my accidental damage of the house he'd just decorated) after ds was born.

OP posts:

Thurlow · 09/09/2013 16:36

I don't know exactly what to say but... none of this is good. In any way.

Can I ask the usual question - what do you feel you get out of your relationship? What does your husband give, or do?

haverer · 09/09/2013 16:45

Oh dear. He is abusive and controlling. What happened when you accidentally damaged something? The fact that you're asking if its ok to do something entirely reasonable is the worst bit for me. How dare he control you to such an extent. Call women's aid. They will be able to help. Can you talk to your family/anyone else in real life about what's happening?

Lovingfreedom · 09/09/2013 18:00

Well done for starting to seek advice. Time to start planning an exit? He's bad news.

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