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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is it wrong for me to go out?

58 replies

ladypippins · 09/09/2013 11:42

My h doesn't like it when I go out and "expect" him to take care if our son "you wanted him". I don't go out often, less than a handful a year including Christmas do's.

DS gets upset if I go home and then go out, can be a bit clingy (he's at nursery full time) but he seems to be okay if I don't go home first. Although sometimes bed time is tricky as I am the only one to go through the bedtime routine "he doesn't want me".

I need to socialise, just once in a while without feeling guilty. I want to go to a team do next month and am worried about telling H. I think he will say no but I want to stay firm. Given DS sometimes gets upset - is it reasonable for me to go out?

OP posts:
Pollydon · 09/09/2013 18:35

Op, are you afraid of him ?

tribpot · 09/09/2013 18:41

The abuse was not due to your damage of the house. It was due to his wish to punish and control you.

Since you appear to be the only parent who wanted your ds I assume you must have coerced your DH into it? Or is that, in fact, bollocks?

Very sensible not to go home before the night out if it will make it easier for your ds.

haverer · 11/09/2013 18:22

How are things, ladypippins?

LoisPuddingLane · 11/09/2013 19:09

I have lost perspective of what's normal

I'm afraid you have. This ISN'T NORMAL IN ANY WAY.

PopiusTartius · 11/09/2013 19:30

Oh, OP. This isn't normal. And this doesn't have to be the rest of your life, either.

Please consider leaving.

gintastic · 11/09/2013 19:38

He got physical when you accidentally damaged the house? That's not normal at all, and neither is any of the rest of it. For the record, I put my shoulder through a wall that DH had just replastered and painted. So he did it again, no fuss made. That is normal - your OH is being abusive.

OctopusPete8 · 11/09/2013 20:02

'you wanted him'

that is disgusting, does he do anything for your son?

OctopusPete8 · 11/09/2013 20:02

'you wanted him'

that is disgusting, does he do anything for your son?

OctopusPete8 · 11/09/2013 20:02

'you wanted him'

that is disgusting, does he do anything for your son?

SirSugar · 11/09/2013 20:13

'Why Does he do That?' - Lundy Bancroft; You will find your H in there.

something2say · 11/09/2013 20:22

This is social isolation with a bit of manipulation using the child as a tool thrown in...

Either
A. Go out and teach him that will continue to go out. Dress, sort your child out, do not ask or apologise, do not respond to rubbish texts on your night out.
B. leave him as this may be the tip of the iceberg, and then start going out more.

X

Original poster
ladypippins · 11/09/2013 22:22

I didn't coerce him to having a baby, he knew I always wanted one and I always got told, when we have more money, better house etc. I had said if he didn't want one he needed to tell me and I would have to leave. He never said he didn't and I told him when I was actively trying as he said we would start a family when I got to a certain age and I got there!

I told him tonight that I was going on a works do. He asked if I had to go (I said i wanted to socialise and it was good for my prospects to get to know others better). He asked where it was and what time it finished and then said it wasn't fair on ds as he wanted me at night. And in any case, Christmas was 3 months away so I'd be wanting to go out then.

I suggested that he start doing the night time routine with me, he said that ds doesn't want him and that when he gets back from nursery he wants me and is sometimes interested in him as well. That when I am late back he can coax him and say I would be back soon but he always asks for me. He went on to say that he doesn't go out, I said I wouldn't stop him. His response is that you can't socialise when you have kids; it would be different if just the two of us, but that he would be willing to have him for an afternoon at the weekend.

We spend all weekend together and in addition ds and h will spend time doing little jobs in the garden. H works for himself and has recently started having ds for 1 day a week.

When I did make arrangements, before ds I would be told that I wasn't pulling my weight and ended up cancelling or clock watching.

The thing is, his response, saying he would have D's St the weekend seems reasonable to me - or are my expectations lower than others?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/09/2013 22:25

Is your husband the boss of you ? Who the fuck does he think he is, the jumped up little Hitler.

"Borderline" abusive ?

No, more like fully abusive.

CookieDoughKid · 11/09/2013 22:37

He sounds controlling and insecure. Does he not have a life too? I guess not. Op, there are options, from putting your foot down and just going out to getting a babysitter in. But he sounds antisocial. You can be parents and have a life. Happy parents means happier kids!!

Original poster
ladypippins · 12/09/2013 07:09

Yes, antisocial. Wouldn't even come to my sisters wedding reception - though that was mostly because he doesn't want to mix my family (who are lovely people but not his type).

I am going to persist with this. I have also written an 'Agreement' from the Verbally Abusive Relationship. If he doesn't understand his unreasonableness when I make my self clear in writing (and not tongue tied) then nothing will.Sad

OP posts:
Squitten · 12/09/2013 07:20

What a surprise - he causes trouble with your family too. He has no life and he doesn't want you to have one either.

Time to stop trying to discuss it all so reasonably and make some changes. Tell him to get on board and start making an effort with his child or he might as well not be there. At least as a part-time carer he would be forced to deal with him alone!

SirSugar · 12/09/2013 07:36

I didn't go out socially for seven years; the first time I did for a meal celebrating my birthday with three girlfriends, my H picked a fight just before I left then told me to 'just go', waving his hand in the direction of the door.

I was a nervous wreak the entire evening.

My H was abusive

tribpot · 12/09/2013 07:48

but that he would be willing to have him for an afternoon at the weekend.

And this, to be clear, is the child's father? Quite unbelievable. It is his job to look after his ds 100% of the time. It is also your job to look after your ds 100% of the time. Which means both can negotiate a lower overall percentage as it doesn't require both of you all the time. But he seems to be opening the negotiations with him at 0 and you at 100.

Thurlow · 12/09/2013 07:51

It's one thing if he is happy not to have friends and socialise, but it's another thing entirely to stop you going too, and to not see your family because of it.

It is abusive, whether he is doing it deliberately or subconsciously.

What would happen if you just told him you were going on this work night out and stayed out till 10?

pictish · 12/09/2013 08:35

Yes your expectations are low. The rest of us do what we like, when we like, with who we like, with the blessing of our spouses.

Morgause · 12/09/2013 08:48

He sounds awful lady. Put your foot down and get a life for yourself.

OhDearNigel · 12/09/2013 09:00

:(
My DH would wish me a nice evening and ask me if I had enough money. It wouldn't cross his mind to stop me going out.
I think you know now that this is not anywhere near normal.

Lavenderhoney · 12/09/2013 09:02

He sounds awful tbh:(

You sound very controlled and under his thumb. Does he just make sarky comments or does he get aggressive with you? Or does he punish you by being silent and not allowing you out? What do your friends say?

You can see your parents whenever you like anyway. He has no right to stop you. Can you go and stay with them overnight and tell them what he is like? I suspect they know already though. What excuses do you give?

My dh encourages me to go out. He works evenings so when he is at home i like to be with him, but he says I must have time with friends. And my dc do like me at bedtime as he is normally working, but dh just works round it. I believe they get ready for bed and watch tv, but its his call.

I said once I'd be back about 11.30 and wobbled home at 1.30 instead. I had sent a text to say i would be much later home. He was asleep, and the next day was fine with it, getting me a paracetamol and asking if I'd had a good time.

So, what I have just written is normal IMO. Are you married?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/09/2013 09:10

ladypippins,

re your comment:-
"I am going to persist with this. I have also written an 'Agreement' from the Verbally Abusive Relationship. If he doesn't understand his unreasonableness when I make my self clear in writing (and not tongue
tied) then nothing will"

Why persist with this at all?. Doing that will ultimately get you nowhere and just prolongs your own agonies. He will likely totally dismiss or ignore any "agreement" you give him and perhaps even tear it up in front of you.

It would be far more productive instead to further seek the help of your family and Womens Aid along with planning your exit. These men do not change.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/09/2013 10:34

Persist!
There is nothing to persist with. You are going. End of conversation.
If he won't take care of DS then you will get a babysitter.
This is full on abusive behaviour from your OH and as others have advised, please call Womens Aid and get some support from them.
It has already been physical and this usually always happens during pregnancy or after the birth.
This WILL get worse.
You really do need to get away from him.
Could you arrange to visit your parents for the weekend and get away for a bit?
You should NOT be living like this. IT IS NOT NORMAL!!!
If he checks the phone bills etc.. the Womens Aid call will not appear on it so you do not need to worry about that.
Their phone number is 0808 2000 247. They are very busy so just keep trying.