Alcoholic sister - I really need advice (long)

[Callmemadam]

Ok, here goes. My younger sister (40) has been a binge drinker ever since her teens. About 7 years ago it cost her her job, her lover and her life in London and she came down South and moved back home with my mother in a small village. She dried out for 5 years, over which time my mother developed serious cardiac problems and has undergone several major operations. She now has very poor health and is not expected to live for too long. My sister gradually took over the running of the house, saying she was my mums carer, but also started to drink again. This worsened to the point where she was having blackouts, screaming rages and very hostile even when 'sober'. For the last 10 months or so it has been like living on a knife edge for the rest of the family and noone could get near my mum. Finally my mum was rushed into hospital in May, and when she came out was very poorly, and so my other sister and I brought here here, to my house where she has been recovering ever since. She has got much stronger since living here, but wants to return to her own home, but cannot live with my sister as an alcoholic. My sister hit the roof when she found out what I had done, and then proceeded to appear to have a nervouse breakdown, and cried for a week (while drinking about 180 units). I got her to her GP who says she's an alcoholic, I got her to go for an assessment at the Priory, which said she was an alcoholic and needs 28 days detox urgently, and she says she's not going there. She says that she 'is trying to deal with it' and that she 'is trying' to contact AA. She was blind drunk on Sunday, Monday and now tonight. She has started inviting almost complete strangers into my mums house 'to talk'. She has gone around most of the village saying that it is looking after my mum which has caused this, and my mum is distraught that her neighbours should think its her fault. The worst thing is she is in denial about the extent of her drink problem and she doesn't appear to have much inclination to really access help. How much worse can this get? How do you deal with an alcoholic relative? I really really need some advice! Thanks

hi,
So sorry did not mean to stir it up.
Hope you can get it off your chest one day. Don't let any guilt eat ou up.
Take care
{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi callmemadame, I and my 2 bro and 4 sisters are very much in the same situation with our mum who we love very much and hate at the same time. she has been on a constant binge now for the last 8 days. we r all drained with her behaviour and dont know what else to do wih her. she has been drinking for the last 30yrs but has got worse over the last 3yrs. we have had dr's, rehab, taken her to casulity had her admitted to hospital. she promises to stop and get help each time but always goes back to the bottle. she is causing the family to fall out with each other, because some r being to soft and others to hard a constant battle. we are told she needs to reach rock bottom!...but how can you allow that to happen to your mum without feeling so guilty, i cant seem to do it and she knows this and plays one of us off against the other!..plz send me advice also. x

Hi, I also have an alcoholic mum. Im 24 now and have a child and a fiance, my mum has put me through hell most my life with alcohol and still is to this day! She has drank a bottle of rum and 3 1lr bottles of vodka since friday! she also has COPD (chronic obstuctive pulmanary disease). I could write a book or two with all the sad stories I have to tell. She has let me down so many times that im starting to turn my back a little.

My mum started drinking when i was about 5 which left me to bring up my 2 brothers while dad was at work or at home demanding his tea. After many years of drinking my mum finally decided to get help in 1996 from AA which worked until she met a lesbian there who was the most manipulating person i have ever met. My mum divorced my dad and moved us three children in with her and this woman. they drank together until it became apparent that this woman was violent and self harmed. My mum would drag us back to our family home with my dad after a good hiding and the after a few days of oblivian would drag us back for some more fun. After a few months my two brothes went back to live with my dad. I was left with two alcoholics that drank most of the time. I would often see this woman slicing her wrists or neck and if not that punching the living day lights out of my mother. One day my mother was rushed to hospital with a pulmanary embalism. I was made to wail in the flat till this woman returned, when she did she brought with her cans of larger and fish and chips. made me drink the cans (13 years old) and then raped me. Mum was in hospital for months while this went on. I finally got sick and took an overdose of paracetamol and was rushed to hospital. from there I was taken into a childrens care home for a few months till Mum and I got a flat together. It was good for a while until mum started drinking and got back in touch with this woman and often left me alone while she went to visit her. One night the police were called as my father had reported me as being alone. They took me back to the care home were I stayed for a few weeks util my nana stepped in and fostered me. this was the best thing ever!!! lets just say even though my mam still ran to the door drunk and beaten up nan and i would pick up the pieces and off she would go again. But we were so happy and nan tried to give me everything I needed. She bought our council house on right to buy when I was 18 so that when she passed she knew I would be ok. I met my Fiance who moved in with me around this time. My nan's health slowly got worse over the years... lost a leg and also had COPD like mam has sadly died 15/03/06 when i was 3 month pregnant with my beautiful son.

My mam found a new lesbian partner and after a period of living with nan and I got a house down our street. Needless to say this woman was also an alcoholic.

To be honest im worn out trying to explain this but I still love my mam and have done so much for her the last few years but in her eyes she is the one who is badly done to and needs the drink! I cant stop her no matter what. I dont know what to do becaUse I can see its killing her and i cant do a thing about it. I rang tonight and my brother told me she fell out a taxi and wet herself in the street and laughed at herself. then my brothers girlfriend cleaned her up (she is only 17).

Im sorry about all the typing errors and the way I jump and babble but its such a long and hard story to tell that 10 mins at the pc soesnt really cover it!

Anyway. I have decided to sell my house and move to were my fiances loving family live. I have finally come to the conclusion there is nothing you can do for them if they dont want to help themselves, as much as it hurts!

Good luck to anyone who has an alcoholic, God knows you need it!

xx

hi

I am new to mumsnet after searching under alcoholic sister, thanks for starting this thread callmemadam, my sister sounds exactly the same as yours but then r all alcoholics the same? I have totally shut her out of my life because she is no longer the sister I knew and loved, she has destroyed everything and alienated everyone around her, my brother died 8 years and this devastated my family and my sister is still putting my parents through hell, she lost her job last month and has 2 children whom she may lose in the next week and I am worried she will commit suicide if she does not kill herself through drink, I don't know what to do I have tried everything to help her, I can't bear to see how ill it is making my parents through worry, its not something I can or want to talk to my friends about...

I am totally at a loss of what is the right thing to do and not looking forward to another christmas that will be wrecked by my alcoholic sister

Hi Emms10, not sure what to say really coz you sound like you and your family are having a really hard time. Christmas always makes it worse, I think. You and your family can get really good support from al anon - you could check out the website. Al Anon Family Groups (or something like that). I'm afraid if your sis doesn't want to stop drinking any attempts you or your family make are futile. And, I understand your shame(?) at not being able to speak to friends - try and find someone to offload to though because otherwise it's a great burden to carry around (and I hope that doesn't sound patronising, it's not mean't to).

Ensure you get some kind of help and support, in my experience, alcoholism can be terribly destructive and someone to share how you're feeling with is vital.

Thanks HelenMelons, my sister is going on the back burner for a bit as I now have my own problems to deal with, but thank you I will look at some family councilling in the newyear

IT IS POSSIBLE TO HELP ALCOHOLICS WHO ARE UNABLE TO THEMSELVES..!! I'm dissapointed and quite supprised to see that so many people share the same un-educated, narrow minded attitude that 'alcoholics must want to be helped before they can be given any.' This is certainly true but it only applies to those who are in the early stages (1&2)of the disease and are still mentally able to make decisions for themselves. Stages 3&4 are a lot more devestating as the disease begins to take total control of the person physically, emotionally and mentally rendering them helpless and therefore unable to 'obtain help for themselves.' Under The Mental Health Act, it is at this stage that a close relative/carer is able to step in and make decisions regarding treatment on behalf of the alcoholic. This can be done with or without their consent as the relative can request they be sectioned..

IT IS POSSIBLE TO HELP ALCOHOLICS WHO ARE UNABLE TO THEMSELVES..!! I'm dissapointed and quite supprised to see that so many people share the same un-educated, narrow minded attitude that 'alcoholics must want to be helped before they can be given any.' This is certainly true but it only applies to those who are in the early stages (1&2)of the disease and are still mentally able to make decisions for themselves. Stages 3&4 are a lot more devestating as the disease begins to take total control of the person physically, emotionally and mentally rendering them helpless and therefore unable to 'obtain help for themselves.' Under The Mental Health Act, it is at this stage that a close relative/carer is able to step in and make decisions regarding treatment on behalf of the alcoholic. This can be done with or without their consent as the relative can request they be sectioned..

when my sister finishes work she is buying booze every day and getting blathered she is married they both do it every night theres alot of things going on my mother is not well and she has to put up with this every single day she has hight blood pressure so she is on medication of the doctor, my sister as asked her to be a guarantor for a 12k car mum said no no i find out that my sister has told my mother that she does not need the tablets and through them in the bin ,,but my mother got them out of the bin,,and also my sister lost her house she had 20k of my parents so she would not loos the house but she still lost it through debt even tho they are both in full time work ,my mother has her own house paid off,,so you an see why i think that my sister does these things for a reason.:(