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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP is very bright but SO lazy

63 replies

FeelingMisled · 08/09/2013 23:17

DP graduated 3 months ago (with a 2:1 from Oxbridge) and has done bugger all since. He's applied for ONE job. He can easily spend all day online. He does stuff for me - cooking, cleaning etc - which I appreciate as I'm out of the house (including my commute) 13 hours a day, 6 days a week. But apart from that, he doesn't do anything unless I slave-drive him to do it on pain of breaking up. I'm fed up of feeling like his mother. His parents are far too indulgent and give him an easy life. What more can I do?!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/09/2013 23:21

Actually break up with him? I mean you will need to eventually if you keep ultimatuming it's a word him.

I think some people are told they are bright all their lives, coast through doing nothing and never learn to work hard. Who is paying the rent and household bills?

Original poster

FeelingMisled · 08/09/2013 23:25

Our respective parents pay our bills for now, but I will be getting my own place soon once I have a permanent job (I'm temp to perm ATM but reasonably well paid). I don't want him to move in rent-free... He does menial jobs around his parents' house for minimum wage so he can afford to treat me, but I really want him to get a proper job now.

OP posts:

Blondeorbrunette · 08/09/2013 23:35

Dump him love.

Why wouldn't you?

Jagdkuh · 08/09/2013 23:57

Perhaps she loves him, blond

Jagdkuh · 08/09/2013 23:58

Perhaps she loves him, blond

ImperialBlether · 09/09/2013 00:00

She might love him now but if she wants to keep him, the quickest way to do that would be to kick him out and tell him he's not up to scratch and to come back when he is to see whether she's free.

His parents are doing him no favours at all.

Hope you get your own place soon, OP.

Jagdkuh · 09/09/2013 00:07

Impereale sheer idiocy. what kind of cut and dry world do you live in. that qualifies as support? u sound like a hack

Lovingfreedom · 09/09/2013 00:11

Plenty more fish in the sea...don't tie yourself down to this guy.

ImperialBlether · 09/09/2013 00:19

What are you talking about Jag?

He's not acting in a way that would make anyone want to live with him. If she does want to live with him eventually, she'd do better telling him to grow up and come back when he has and is ready to pull his weight in the relationship. If she's free then, that is.

Didn't you understand that the first time?

Jagdkuh · 09/09/2013 00:39

Who is this anyone you speak of? i suspect you are one of the name changers, no? always quick to fire off a knee jerk reactionary quote, without stopping to think about basics. like love. Your plan to make ops dp 'grow up' is inherently childish, and flawed. did not the worlds keenest mind work as a patent clerk, quite a few stations below what you'd imagine him to be doing, hmm? hilarious to paint op as independent, earns a lot and sponges off the rents? oh dear!

Jagdkuh · 09/09/2013 00:39

StephenFrySaidSo · 09/09/2013 00:43

Jag whatever you're on isnt working for you pet.

StephenFrySaidSo · 09/09/2013 00:45

And at the suggestion imperial is a namechanger.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/09/2013 00:46

I was thinking that StephenFry. Must have changed from Methuselah she's been around so long.

StephenFrySaidSo · 09/09/2013 00:48

Old as the hills that imperial

calmingtea · 09/09/2013 07:01

I have to laugh at the idea that OPs partner is the new Einstein that made my morning. FWIW I agree with ImperialB completely, what she says makes sense.

exoticfruits · 09/09/2013 07:22

Sensible advice from ImperialB. It will continue exactly the same unless you kick him out and tell him to come back when he has grown up a bit.
I have been on the thread about degrees and universities and have been trying to impress on people how dire the graduate employment market is. A 2:1 from Oxbridge gives an advantage but you still don't just walk into a job of your choice when you happen to feel so inclined. He will need to work at it and he will need drive. He has now had a summer- time for reality.

Original poster

FeelingMisled · 09/09/2013 07:30

Well he certainly doesn't have Einstein's work ethic! You're right about the job market being dire - I searched for a year after graduating, then worked part-time for a bit, now working full-time (but still not permanent). My DP saw how tough it was for me! Our conversation this morning went something like:

Me: "Why don't you just look for anything at all? Then at least you'd be in work even if it's not your ideal job."
Him: "That's not a bad idea... maybe. But everyone is going for those jobs."
Me: "If you write applications this morning I'll look over them in my lunch break."
Him: "Maybe... If I get them done in time."

Then he got all defensive, as usual, and wouldn't talk about it. I'm so fed up.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2013 07:32

FeelingMisled,

You are yet another seemingly capable woman who has landed herself with an entitled manchild. He needs to be dumped because he won't change (you certainly cannot change his behaviour) and his parents will always back him. I've seen at first hand parents who enable and it does the bloke no favours whatsoever, it just infantalises them.

An ultimatum though can only be issued once and if you do that you must follow it through to the lettter.

LemonDrizzled · 09/09/2013 07:41

He isn't worthy of you. If his parents are enabling him he isn't hungry enough to get off his arse. Make him care enough to take action by telling him you want an equal partner. And mean it! Good luck to both of you

exoticfruits · 09/09/2013 08:39

With parents like that you could be posting the same next September.

Original poster

FeelingMisled · 09/09/2013 13:31

It's annoying that his parents won't back me up. However, I just heard that he submitted two job applications this morning - so maybe all is not lost!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2013 13:49

His parents won't back you up - well what a surprise NOT. They will always put their darling boy first, he can and will do no wrong in their eyes.

So with these two from this morning, in total he has now applied for three jobs!. Three job applications in three months, maybe he will do another application next month.

This is rubbish and you at heart know this is not working. Stop putting a gloss on it.

fifi669 · 09/09/2013 14:23

I'm sure it's annoying when you're out working and he's doing naff all. Though as you said your parents are supporting you both and you intend on getting a place by yourself. You aren't toiling away for the both of you so I don't see why it's a deal breaker at all.

The only thing for me would be that I'd personally find his lack of ambition unattractive.

MissHC · 09/09/2013 14:40

Ah he sounds like my brother - very clever but I don't know anyone more lazy. He was dumped by his girlfriend when she finally realised she was wasting her life with him. And I totally agreed with her.

If you want to stay with him (good luck), I would suggest you get him to a graduate recruitment fair. Yes it's not easy to find a job as a graduate (I graduated just when the crisis started; there were NO jobs and 100s of applicants for the ones that did come up). I applied for maybe 100 jobs before I even got the stage of interview. Same for my DP.

I'd tell him he needs to at least start applying for jobs or you're leaving. Yes you'll have an argument but he needs to understand how unhappy you are with this. It's about getting into a routine. Has he ever worked? Even something like Asda etc?

To be honest my ex was like this. Super clever, very romantic etc. Lived with his parents and never worked a day in his life. I was madly in love but in the end realised I could not be in a relationship with someone like that. This was 5 years ago - now he's 27 and STILL lives with his parents. Finally has a job but it's freelancing so I doubt he earns a lot (or does a lot of work). I moved on with my life, got a new DP fairly quickly who does know what hard work is. We've both moved up the career ladder and have a baby on the way.

You really need to start thinking about you and what you want. And either he pulls himself together or you need to leave. From my experience he can still be without a job 5 years from now!

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