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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP is very bright but SO lazy

63 replies

FeelingMisled · 08/09/2013 23:17

DP graduated 3 months ago (with a 2:1 from Oxbridge) and has done bugger all since. He's applied for ONE job. He can easily spend all day online. He does stuff for me - cooking, cleaning etc - which I appreciate as I'm out of the house (including my commute) 13 hours a day, 6 days a week. But apart from that, he doesn't do anything unless I slave-drive him to do it on pain of breaking up. I'm fed up of feeling like his mother. His parents are far too indulgent and give him an easy life. What more can I do?!

OP posts:

Parmarella · 12/09/2013 13:20

no need to leave him or do anything really.

Just stop and think for a moment.

Yes, of course he can be your boyfriend for as long as you both like, just enjoy spending time together.

However, may living together and being partners....not so good.

Unless he changes/gets a job/or at least tries properly

So move into your new place ALONE. Tell him you are not breaking up, you very much love him, you want to stay in a relationship, but for the two of you to actually live together you need to be PARTNERS, not just boyfriend and girlfriends. And the partnership can only work with both of you pulling their weight.

In your shoes, I would disengage completely from his job search. I would not slave-drive, or nag or even enquire. I would completely ignore the issue once you have made it clear regarding your future set up.

That way it is completely up to him.

You are not his mother, so stop acting that way.

You are an independent woman, with her own plan. A nice guy that you love, who might even turn into a partner.

Personally, i do not believe in nagging, I think it leads to arguments, martyrdom and boringness.

Even in a partnership you can remain independent and strong and loving.

Just do your own think and let him simmer, I would not even ask how the job search is going, I would make my point, then disengage from his jobhunt, and quietly move on. Maybe he will follow, maybe not, but that should surely be up to him.

Dahlen · 12/09/2013 13:21

MadBUsLady - there is a huge difference between being unable to cope because of depression and choosing not to even try because mummy and daddy are funding your lifestyle.

I know lots of people from all walks of life. Some have gone on to great things, others less so. Not one of them has ever expected their parents to fully fund their lifestyle once they have left home (cash gifts, the odd bill here and there, the car's MOT etc excepted).

I wasn't driven at that age. I drifted. I fell into my first proper job rather than followed a master plan. I paid my own way though.

exoticfruits · 12/09/2013 13:27

I don't know how many years you are going back, LazyJaney, but no graduate can name their price those days. An Oxbridge 2:1 gives an advantage but he will need far more than that to get on. Graduate unemployment is very bad at the moment. It depends on his subject and the career wanted-if he did Physics and wants to be a Physics teacher I dare say it is is easy.

stowsettler · 12/09/2013 13:28

Agree with Dahlen, I was exactly the same. Took me 15 years to find something I love doing. But I always did something, no-one picked up my tab.

I also think the OP needs to focus on herself, get her own place and, hopefully, her partner will sort himself out - at least to the extent that he's not bumming off people who've already worked most of their lives.

MadBusLady · 12/09/2013 13:28

Maybe, but there's plenty of space in between those two positions as well. I wasn't bed-ridden, in fact I was functional enough to put down anyone who tried to help me with a bucketful of sarcasm. But I was still scared to death and didn't believe I could do it; I wasn't plotting my life as a freeloader. IMO the genuine don't-give-a-shit freeloaders that MN is so quick to spot in 21yos are pretty few and far between - and I doubt defensiveness is one of their main avoidance tactics either. Someone who is defensive by definition isn't having a great time, one way or another.

stowsettler · 12/09/2013 13:29

I did wonder about that comment too exotic.

MadBusLady · 12/09/2013 13:29

(Sorry, to Dahlen.)

Original poster

FeelingMisled · 12/09/2013 13:48

I've only just caught up with this - thanks for all the replies. I found MadBusLady's comments particularly thought-provoking so thank you. My DP can be very focused when he wants to be. The other day he suggested a possible career that I hadn't thought of but he seems to be really interested in, which to me is a good sign. He also completed an online learning module this week (about 15 hours' worth) which again was his own suggestion.

In every other way he is an excellent boyfriend. He has been doing all the chores and cooking as I'm hardly ever at home and he does a great job. He also treats me very well and he stuck with me when I was unwell and unable to work (and it seemed likely at that time that I never would)! I do realise though that I have been trying to 'change' him so maybe I need to stop doing that. It's possible that he is also mildly depressed as he has been feeling very uncertain about his future. But I think it would clear up if he got a job and felt like he was getting somewhere.

OP posts:

Dahlen · 12/09/2013 13:52

No need to apologise MadBusLady. You haven't said anything to apologise for. It's ok to have a different opinion, but by the same token I'm sorry if I said anything that took you back to that time and made you feel inadequate. That's certainly wasn't my intention.

I have a lot of sympathy for people who are depressed, and thanks to the experience of one of my closest friends, I am aware that you don't have to be bed-ridden with it for it to make you miserable and to severely impact on your life.

expatinscotland · 12/09/2013 13:52

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

MadBusLady · 12/09/2013 13:55

actually I was just apologising for not putting your name at the beginning of my previous post and making it clear who I was addressing it to.

But nonetheless I accept your (equally unnecessary) apology and appreciate your sympathy

MadBusLady · 12/09/2013 13:59

Feeling I'm glad I was helpful. It does sound a little bit like he's just finding his way slowly TBH. Still nothing wrong with ending it if you decide you have different goals though.

MadBusLady · 12/09/2013 14:06

By the way, the other thing I think happens to graduates, particularly high-flying ones, is they get hung up on the idea of a "career" and it's very difficult to not be daunted when you look at it like that. It's like thinking you have to climb a mountain immediately when actually all you need to do is take the first step.

So to some extent I think you're right about the just getting any job thing, because it gets him some momentum - but then he is also right that "just any jobs" are very competitive, and continually being rejected from them could be pretty crushing. So if he has alternative ideas (e.g. volunteering in something that might lead to a career), and his parents are happy to fund them, that's as good at his stage IMO.

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