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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Didn't see it coming

41 replies

PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 21:02

To cut a long story short, dh and I separated a few months ago. It has been really hard as I've been raising our two DC's (1 and 2 yrs old)alone with very little financial support or any kind of support from dh at all.
The other day was dd's birthday and we agreed to take the DC's out for the day. The day went well until after the children went to bed, dh confessed that he had cheated on me with 7 different women throughout our marriage!! How did I not even realise???
I am in total shock. I know that we are separated but I can't believe I never realised. I feel so stupid. The worst thing is that the first time was apparently with a girl from work straight after we got engaged!! If I had known I would never have married him. Now here we are, 2 children later. Of course I love my babies more than anything and would never regret having them but I just feel so conned.
Totally devastating. How did I not see this?

OP posts:
Peterpurvis · 08/09/2013 21:09

Why did he decide to tell you that? Sounds like you're well rid of him

LemonDrizzled · 08/09/2013 21:10

It sounds as though you made the right decision even without having all the information available Plum

While you are quite allowed to be shocked, and horrified he wasn't ever the man you thought he was, it does confirm that you are better off apart from him.

I had a similar experience after my 24 year marriage broke down. Towards the end I had a shameful affair which was a wakeup call. In all the subsequent discussion my H informed me that he had cheated on me just before we got engaged and moved in together. Like you I feel conned that I married a stranger.

Be kind to yourself. He is a Twunt!

JustinBsMum · 08/09/2013 21:13

It sounds like you should feel sorry for him as he has no idea what a long-term loving relationship is. And no idea what he is missing. Pathetic really.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 08/09/2013 21:17

So sorry Plum Sad

Why are you turning this on yourself? He is clearly a good liar. Please don't. He did it, not you. X

yellowballoons · 08/09/2013 21:21

Sad and Sad again.
That is shocking and awful. I presume he is telling you the truth now?

Original poster
PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 21:21

Thank you all for your comments. Apparently he was telling me "in the spirit of being open and honest"! Shame he didn't think of that before he married me and got me pregnant twice.
I told my mum, brother and best friend and all three asked me if I believed him or if I thought he had told
Me to get a reaction or just hurt me. But I'm sure it must be true. What kind of nutcase makes something like that up?

I feel so sad for my babies because now there is no way we could ever reconcile and our family will forever be broken.

I am so so shocked. I thought for all his faults he wasn't a cheater. Why did he lie for so long? He always judged other people and slated people we knew when he found out they had cheated. What a hypocrite

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 21:23

Can't believe he was so good at lying. I didn't ever really know him at all. I feel so stupid because I always thought I was quite sharp and would cotton on quick to anything going on. How silly

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 21:27

I haven't even told extended family that we are separated as it is still frowned upon in my culture and I couldn't bear having to answer the questions, having everyone gossiping about me and all the pitying looks which I already get from well-meaning friends who I know only care. I suppose part of me Didnt want to tell extended family as I thought at some point we might be able to reconcile.

OP posts:
LuisSuarezTeeth · 08/09/2013 21:28

Plum you are still blaming yourself! Stop!

Now he may be making it up (I have experienced this) but either way, the message is clear: separate your life from his and communicate only about your DC.

Original poster
PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 21:30

I haven't even told extended family that we are separated as it is frowned upon in my culture and I couldn't bear having to answer all the questions, having everyone gossiping about me and all the pitying looks (which I already get from well-meaning friends who I know only care). I suppose part of me didn't want to tell extended family as I thought at some point we might be able to reconcile. Now that is never going to happen and everyone is going to have to find out my marriage is over and my poor little babies are no doubt going to have to hear comments when they attend family functions :(

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 21:31

You are right luis. Thanks for your support

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LuisSuarezTeeth · 08/09/2013 21:32

Ah sorry I hadn't considered that culture was an issue. A lot of pressure on you, I am guessing. Can you say any more about that? Don't worry if not.

Mrscaindingle · 08/09/2013 21:36

I would second what others have said and think that he is not the person you thought he was and I am also wondering why he thought it was a good idea to tell you now.
I also separated from my STBXH a couple of months ago and strongly suspect there is an OW but he has not admitted it (yet)
I realised this morning that I have been wasting my time and energy trying to appeal to his better nature (he is being very selfish ATM ) and that he is no longer the person I thought he was, that is if he ever was that person.
People have tried to tell me this but I think it was a process I have had to go through myself.
I would also advise doing nice things for yourself even small things, that has been helping me. It is so hard (on you) with your DC being so little, I hope you have support with them to get some time to yourself, at least they are too little to be aware of what's happening.
Good luck Thanks

Original poster
PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 21:37

Don't really want to out myself as I don't know who comes on here but SO much pressure luis. There are always regular family functions. I come from a very big family, mostly all outspoken gregarious types who will all have an opinion and give it. I won't want everyone to know the details so they will all automatically assume I just gave up on my marriage because I am fickle etc

OP posts:
Bustedmonkey · 08/09/2013 21:37

Thanks. I'm so sorry for you. I know exactly how you feel regarding telling family and friends. I'm going through something similar, he started two years after we got married, but thankfully no kids, and I am hoping to never tell anyone in my culture. How realistic that is, I don't know, but that is how it is going to have to be!

But you know what, let's just say, every marriage has something going on and especially in a culture where people 'stick at it' it is worse as they are living with their problems that you have had the strength of character not to put up with. So any sympathy on their part is not necessary, you are a much stronger person obviously.

Goodluck, you have your little ones to get you through this and they would have made the mis-spent years worthwhile.

Original poster
PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 21:43

Thanks mrscaindingle. Good idea about doing nice little things for myself. I have v good family support from parents and brother. Sorry for your pain too. It's so hard and I was finally at a good place after the break up. Now I feel all the pain that I felt at the beginning. Except now I also have this feeling of total shock, disbelief and humiliation. Maybe I would have been better off not knowing but deep down I suppose I am a little bit relieved as now I won't be wondering if there is a possibility of reconciliation.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 21:46

Thank you so much for your kind words and sound advice bustedmonkey. My poor sweet little babies are the only thing giving me the strength to keep going

OP posts:
Mrscaindingle · 08/09/2013 21:51

I recognise those feelings of disbelief and humiliation of being lied to especially when you look back and see things that are obvious with hindsight but that you missed at the time.
You may find that those feelings may turn to anger, mine certainly have, I have been behaving like a woman who is slightly unhinged the past few days so all consuming has my anger been. This is a new experience for me and I've been unsure what to do with it.
Have made an appointment with a counsellor this week to give my poor suffering Mum a break.Grin

Original poster
PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 21:55

Mrscaindingle counselling is definitely a good idea. I had a course of counselling after we split and I found it really helpful. And this was when I had no idea!!! Now would have probably been a better time for me.
When he told me I behaved unphased as I did not want to give him the satisfaction of being upset. I feel like that made him want to be more hurtful and keep being more "open and honest" with me :(

OP posts:
Mrscaindingle · 08/09/2013 22:00

Yes I would say he definitely told you to get a response from you, maybe he thinks you're not upset enough over the split.
Whatever the reason you are well rid Smile

Original poster
PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 22:03

Yes I think he does think I'm not upset enough. He has always said since we split that he feels I never loved him etc. he is a complete man baby. I used to do everything for him but I am a v private person and do not see the mileage in showing him how sad I have been about the split. He seems like such a nasty person now. I don't know him at all. It's so sad that we have 2 babies and so I can't even be rid of him. He will forever be in my life now

OP posts:
carolmcgiffintowin · 08/09/2013 22:10

just wanted to add to the 'you are well rid' chants! stay strong!

lisylisylou · 08/09/2013 22:15

You have to focus on you and your children. You didn't see it because marriage is all about trust an love and what kind of relationship survives o distrust? He'll blame you for his affairs no doubt and that you gave your children more attention than him or another excuse could be that you stopped trying sexually blah,blah,blah, anything to divert the attention away from him. Just do one day at a time sweetie and just do nice little things for you x

LuisSuarezTeeth · 08/09/2013 22:20

Plum, you can get specialist help that takes into consideration your culture, religion or views.

I do admire you, so brave to post x

LuisSuarezTeeth · 08/09/2013 22:22

Shit sorry that may have appeared condescending, not my intention.

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