Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Didn't see it coming

41 replies

PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 21:02

To cut a long story short, dh and I separated a few months ago. It has been really hard as I've been raising our two DC's (1 and 2 yrs old)alone with very little financial support or any kind of support from dh at all.
The other day was dd's birthday and we agreed to take the DC's out for the day. The day went well until after the children went to bed, dh confessed that he had cheated on me with 7 different women throughout our marriage!! How did I not even realise???
I am in total shock. I know that we are separated but I can't believe I never realised. I feel so stupid. The worst thing is that the first time was apparently with a girl from work straight after we got engaged!! If I had known I would never have married him. Now here we are, 2 children later. Of course I love my babies more than anything and would never regret having them but I just feel so conned.
Totally devastating. How did I not see this?

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 23:34

Luis - thank you. Not condescending at all. Very sweet and kind of you. It is so nice to receive support. It's just so hard to get my head around the fact he cheated when we were supposedly happy, he had just asked me to marry him! What a prick. It was all a bunch of lies.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 23:38

Stupid idiot used to say to me "there is no reason for a man to ever cheat when they can just watch a bit of porn on the net and sort themselves out"!! The whole time he knew that he himself was a cheat

I mean honestly, do all men cheat? That is really how I feel now :(

OP posts:

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 08/09/2013 23:38

He is still playing games

Original poster

PinkPlum · 08/09/2013 23:42

I'm sure he is Holiday, but how do u mean? What would be the point now in him telling me all this? I just don't understand

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/09/2013 23:51

You sound utterly lovely, what an absolute wazzock this man is

Other than being the father of your babies, he has no worth to you

Take my advice and make all his contact with your dc separate from you

Don't play Happy Families with a twat like this

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2013 23:54

I'm so sorry; I know the feelings you have very well, unfortunately.

As far as other people are concerned, I think you should say, "If you knew X like I know him, you'd know there's no way I could have stayed married to him. I don't want to tell everyone what's going on and have everyone gossip about me, but believe me, he has made it impossible to stay married to him."

Now they can interpret that however they want, but it will never be in a way that flatters him.

Original poster

PinkPlum · 09/09/2013 00:07

Thanks AF. I will definitely be taking your wise advice and separating myself from him. I had my parents do the handover for contact this weekend so that I didn't have to see him. It is just sad because I really wanted to have a decent relationship with him as it makes the children so much happier and more secure. Now I can't bear to have anything to do with him. He has made it impossible.

Imperial - that is exactly what I will be saying when the split eventually comes out. Great advice. Thank you :)

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/09/2013 00:09

Your children will be fine. It's best that they don't see him manipulating you, so if handover is done by a 3rd party that is very sensible.

They are so young, they will adjust.

Leavenheath · 09/09/2013 00:32

Strange as this may sound, now that you know about the extent of his infidelity and the relevant dates, in a way it's a good thing that you know he did this long before he could have conceivably had any of the usual excuses such as feeling neglected, being starved of attention, blah blah.

As you'll know from this board, too many good women blame themselves for the behaviour of the men in their lives, when in reality it's got nothing to do with what they did or didn't do. Some people will cheat when ever there's an opportunity and they see it as a separate entity to what's going on in their relationship. You wouldn't have guessed a thing because of that compartmentalisation.

I'm sure he's telling you this now to hurt you and to still have some power over your reactions. It would really be a kick in the teeth if you told him this information has set you free!

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 09/09/2013 08:28

He is looking for a reaction; proof you are still bothered. Proof he still has power over you are can do as he pleases. You've done tge best thing in distance and please, please, please take this as tge final proof that you never want him back.

Original poster

PinkPlum · 09/09/2013 11:30

Thanks everyone. Yes I think it is a control thing as at every single contact he has had with the kids he has told me to come and get them much earlier than arranged so as to make sure that my plans get ruined and I cannot build a new life for myself I am sure. I have always collected the children as they are my babies and I do not want them to be where they are not wanted but this weekend I asked my parents to collect so that I did not have to see him or let him know that I changed my plans. What a control freak

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkPlum · 09/09/2013 11:42

Leavenheath - thank you. What you've said has really made me see things differently. You are so right. He was just a cheater and would have done it no matter what was going on in our relationship. A complete opportunist. How sleazy. The first time was just after we got engaged! The second after 6 months of marriage and apparently all the rest were this year since we starting having real problems. There was probably many more times the coward still hasn't told me about but I don't care to know. He kept asking me if I wanted to know more when he was telling me and despite me telling him I didn't he continued to give me the gory details all in the spirit if being open and honest so that we could start afresh!! What a fool. The more I think about it the less I care. I'm still reasonably young (29) but he wasted the best years of my life :(

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/09/2013 13:16

The best years of your life are yet to come, now this dickhead is out of it x

Original poster

PinkPlum · 09/09/2013 13:26

God I hope so AF

OP posts:

watchingout · 09/09/2013 13:29

Pink Plum - I'm (sadly) another one who could have written your initial posts. What struck me most out of your last post (11:42) was that he wanted to be "open and honest" so you could "start afresh". Nah...

He wanted to clear his conscience by 'fessing all so HE can sleep better at night (taking no consideration for how that makes you feel) My XH actually requested to "take the 5th" (his own words)

It hurts now, but in time you will realise that you are well rid. Enjoy the space and cuddle your babies

Original poster

PinkPlum · 09/09/2013 15:45

Watchingout - thank you. Enjoying the space and cuddling my little babas will be my therapy for sure. So sorry you seem to have had a similar experience

OP posts:

Flip

1 2