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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH says he feels trapped

31 replies

dippywhentired · 08/09/2013 12:35

We've been together 12 years, married for 8, and have 2 DCs aged 6 and 3. We've had our ups and downs but generally I thought everything was trotting along nicely. We've been discussing whether to ttc DC3 for some time, he wasn't keen, but over the summer agreed to try. On Fri night he said he'd got carried away over the summer and has now gone back to not wanting another one as he's happy with the 2 we've got, doesn't want extra stress, financial pressure, etc. I was upset but can understand that he feels 2 is enough and I could get over that.

Last night he said he feels like we're starting to drift apart and he wants to try and communicate more about how we're feeling and try and get us back on track. He said that if we carry on the way things are, he thinks our marriage will be in real trouble. He then said that as we got together when we were 22, he feels that he missed out on just having fun in his 20s, and sometimes feels trapped by being married and having kids. He wants to have an exciting life and that he wants to share it together, but that we don't seem to be on the same page about what we want.

I feel totally gutted that he feels this way and don't know how to get things back on the right track. Has anyone been in this position before and managed to get close again? Both of us are committed to trying to sort our relationship out, but I feel at a loss as to how to go about it. Please help.

OP posts:

MexicanHat · 08/09/2013 12:46

I can't really give good advice but just wanted to say that I think it's a really positive step that he has told you how he feels and that he wants to sort things out.

I'm sure someone will be along soon to talk to you.

fuzzywuzzy · 08/09/2013 12:49

Has he said what he wants to do that's exciting etc?

Viking1 · 08/09/2013 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viking1 · 08/09/2013 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lifesgreatquestions · 08/09/2013 13:09

I and my xh went through this having got together also very young. Give him some space and a chance to talk about what he needs to talk about? Maybe you could use the time to develop a new interest yourself. Although giving each other space to talk and develop was purely positive we did not stay together, but I'm sure it's possible if you both want it. Change is frightening, we never know of it's going to be better or worse, good luck to you both.

Original poster

dippywhentired · 08/09/2013 13:13

Thank you for replying! I don't know what it is he feels he's missed out on. He was away last week on a course in a large multicultural European city, and said that going out and seeing loads of people having fun made him a feel a bit wistful. We did get together young, but have also done some exciting things like going round the world for 4 months together, moving abroad with his job, etc. He has always needed a lot of variety and sets himself challenges with running, mountain climbing etc. He is not the kind of man who is happy to just chill out at home, and never has been. I suppose that as I'm not very sporty and we have no-one to have the children overnight, means that he does these things on his own, instead of us having joint hobbies. I also gave up my career when we moved abroad as I don't speak the language, so I feel like he thinks I'm the boring SAHM.

OP posts:

MexicanHat · 08/09/2013 13:22

OP do you feel that all is well with your relationship? It worries me a bit that this has come as such a shock to you. Have long have you lived abroad for now?

BIWI · 08/09/2013 13:24

It sounds like it would be a really good idea to seek out some marriage counselling, to give you a 'safe' and objective space to discuss these issues.

I'm sorry that you feel so shocked by his revelation, but I do think it's a positive thing that he is talking to you about it.

Original poster

dippywhentired · 08/09/2013 13:25

We've been here 2 years. I thought we had a 'normal' relationship with odd arguments, but that generally it was good. We have babysitters so go try to go out for the evening every 3 weeks or so. I do think there are things we could change, like not just sitting in front of the TV or computers in the evening, and trying to more 'fun' stuff together.

OP posts:

tessa6 · 08/09/2013 14:11

dippy, I know this is a cliche to jump to conclusions but I just want you to be aware that even though it may be totally frank and honest and mature, this is also exactly the kind of thing people say when they are having an affair, or considering embarking on one. It's a kind of way of highlighting to the partner that they need to up their game to compete, without giving them the relevant information, so that a few months later a comparison can be made and he can say, 'I warned you'.

When people get together so young it's normal to feel these things, but it's also unfortunately normal to start to look elsewhere a bit too. I wouldn't be worried except that it's come as such a surprise to you.

I'm not bitter or anything, I've said this stuff myself, unfortunately.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2013 14:14

I agree with tessa, sorry

Sounds like he could be setting you up to fail, so he can say he "tried" somewhere along the line

It is possible there is more of a problem than him just feeling he's "missed out" on stuff

I would be asking him some more very specific questions about what (or who) is causing this apparent dis satisfaction with what sounds like a very nice life.

ALittleStranger · 08/09/2013 14:21

I don't think you can ignore Tessa's advice. At all. But at the same time it would be extremely surprising if he didn't think those things sometimes and it's good he can communicate that you. It's not like drifting apart after a playground wedding isn't common so maybe there's something positive in him being alive to that. The key is establishing what has triggered this.

All said with the caveat that I've never been in this situation.

Original poster

dippywhentired · 08/09/2013 15:19

We are both very aware of how/ why affairs happen, as well as what the fallout can be (my sister's husband left her and their kids for someone else and now doesn't see the kids through his own choice). I have also read my share of LTB threads.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/09/2013 15:28

Hopefully it is nothing like that, but you would be foolish to discount something similar just because someone else's marriage has been decimated by an affair.

Original poster

dippywhentired · 08/09/2013 15:28

I've shown him this thread and he assures me he isn't setting me up to fail, having an affair, etc. He said he's surprised I think it's come out of the blue and I suppose thinking back over the last few months, he has been trying to encourage me to take up a hobby, improve my language skills so I can get a job here, etc. He thinks it's healthier for us both to have outside interests and can only benefit our relationship. I can see that too, but I don't actually know what I'd like to do with myself!

OP posts:

Quiltcover · 08/09/2013 15:34

So many women jump to the worst conclusions on mumsnet. Yes consider all possibilities, but the ops dh has expressed that although he is not entirely happy at the moment, he recognises this and wants to do something a out it.

Long term relationships do go though slumps, recover then the cycle continues. Why not give the guy the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise.

So many times we hear 'if only he had been upfront about our marriage issues and his feelings,, but no he wasn't Nd he had an affair'. Now a dh is being upfront and open, and people say he's probably having an affair!

AnyFucker · 08/09/2013 15:44

Nobody said he was "probably" having an affair, just not to discount it completely. How many threads do we see where one partner starts to express vague dis satisfactions that the other partner tries to address...to futile outcome.

Anyway, I am out because I hate it when posters show their partners a thread like this. I don't contribute to these threads to get dragged directly into a couple's dialogue, it feels grubby somehow.

All the best, OP. I hope these "improvements" you are going to make on yourself are also of benefit to you.

tessa6 · 08/09/2013 15:47

Not probably. Just one of many things to consider. Could be frank and mature communications of a truth through to rationalisation of betrayal with lots of shades of grey in between. life is complex and everyone goes through periods where they think 'maybe i'd prefer to be with someone else.' Either theoretically or someone real. The good relationships step up and prove themselves at this point, often with honest, empathetic conversations like these. Of course that has nothing to do with LTB type comments. Seems like a very good relationship where they can talk about things.

MexicanHat · 08/09/2013 15:55

Really strange that you decided to show him the thread OP. Like AF it makes me feel uncomfortable when people come on here for advice and then show the OH the thread. Wish you all the best OP but won't be surprised if your back on here in the future for more advice.

Original poster

dippywhentired · 08/09/2013 16:02

Sorry you feel like that AnyFucker. I showed it to him because he asked if he could read it to see what I'm thinking. Sometimes it's easier to write things down, rather than things coming out in a jumble when you try and talk together. He doesn't have the kind of close friends that he could discuss this with, so it's also useful for him to see what other people think/ what advice they give. I do want to make changes for my own happiness, aside from that of our relationship, as although I'm not unhappy in our marriage, I do feel unfulfilled in other areas. Not working for example, especially now that my youngest is at preschool every morning.

OP posts:

tessa6 · 08/09/2013 16:07

I think it's a testament to your courage and openness that you're not 'splitting' to talk about him and you two behind his back, but involving him. If he chooses to be unfaithful after having read what everyone here says, he'll be aware he's following a tired and tested script. And we can tell him where it always ends.

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 08/09/2013 16:09

Are you in the country you have moved to for the long term ? If so then the language shoukd be your first priority. Being able to speak to people may open up a world of possibilities for you.

clam · 08/09/2013 16:22

So, you gave up a life here to follow him abroad and support his career in a country where you don't know the language?

And his response is to feel you've become insular? Great.

Original poster

dippywhentired · 08/09/2013 17:03

Well, initially it was supposed to be for 2 years, but we've decided to stay another year and then see. Don't get me wrong, there are some very good things about living here and I have made friends so it isn't all bad. But, because it is not likely to be long term, I haven't had the incentive to get to grips with the language. I have gone from not speaking a word, to being able to get by on a day to day basis, but it's not good enough to work here.

OP posts:

tessa6 · 08/09/2013 18:42

you must be very lonely, dippy. Seems like you're the one who needs the support and the commitment.

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