DH says he feels trapped

[dippywhentired]

We've been together 12 years, married for 8, and have 2 DCs aged 6 and 3. We've had our ups and downs but generally I thought everything was trotting along nicely. We've been discussing whether to ttc DC3 for some time, he wasn't keen, but over the summer agreed to try. On Fri night he said he'd got carried away over the summer and has now gone back to not wanting another one as he's happy with the 2 we've got, doesn't want extra stress, financial pressure, etc. I was upset but can understand that he feels 2 is enough and I could get over that.

Last night he said he feels like we're starting to drift apart and he wants to try and communicate more about how we're feeling and try and get us back on track. He said that if we carry on the way things are, he thinks our marriage will be in real trouble. He then said that as we got together when we were 22, he feels that he missed out on just having fun in his 20s, and sometimes feels trapped by being married and having kids. He wants to have an exciting life and that he wants to share it together, but that we don't seem to be on the same page about what we want.

I feel totally gutted that he feels this way and don't know how to get things back on the right track. Has anyone been in this position before and managed to get close again? Both of us are committed to trying to sort our relationship out, but I feel at a loss as to how to go about it. Please help.

Thank you for your comments tessa. I'm not really lonely as there is quite a close-knit expat community here and I have a (small) group of good friends, some of whom are in a very similar boat with the language problems, etc. I do talk to my DH as well, he is my best friend, even though we're going through this right now. We've had another chat this evening and I feel like we're making some headway to getting to the bottom of things, and hopefully finding a way forwards to improving things. Thank you to everyone who has tried to help.

OK: disclaimer, had a few glasses of wine with dinner so might be blunt.

Am angry on your behalf. Tell your dh from me hat he needs to man up, stop wallowing in romantic claptrap about missed opportunities in youth and SUPPORT HIS WIFE, who's upped and left her home on his behalf. Remind him that yes, marriage does require a bit of effort now and then, and that there wasn't a get-out clause in his marriage vows that said "love and cherish... Oh until I feel she's got a bit boring and I fancy going out clubbing more"

Don't mince your words, clam, tell me what you really think You've made me laugh for the first time today, so thank you for that!

Glad to be of service!

Agree with clam, but need to add a word of warning from my own experience. My PIL left their home country because of FIL's job, and because my MIL has no aptitude/interest in languages she basically never worked again. This has left her totally isolated in their new country, with no friends, no-one to talk to (other than her language teacher and shop staff!) except her DH. She has become extremely difficult to deal with - long story, I'm not getting into it, but I'm sure if she'd had her own job/interests she wouldn't be so isolated and difficult now.

So if you do decide to stay another year, get out there and learn the language, even if it means taking a job well below your qualification level - if you're not engaging in 'real' life in the country in which you live, you will suffer for it.

Best of luck, I know from experience how hard (and knackering!) it is to move to a new country and learn a new language from scratch, but it's worth it, I promise!