Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Love for a spouse vs love for a child , which is stronger

31 replies

mommytobe234 · 07/09/2013 23:54

Tell me from your experience.

OP posts:
MintyDiamonds · 08/09/2013 01:07

Child in my limited experience ( dd is only 6 months old).

northernlurker · 08/09/2013 01:10

It's different sort of love. I love dh but we've grown in to that together. My love for the children is absolutely fundamental in me.
If you're asking who would I save in a life threatening situation then it's the dc of course and I know dh would say the same.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/09/2013 01:14

I think the question is wrong. "Versus"? No. They are different and both wonderful.

mydoorisalwaysopen · 08/09/2013 01:20

Totally different. I have no choice over whether i love my kids. I just do. Totally. If my ds1 was my husband I would leave him. But I would never waiver in my love for him. Part of why I love DH so much is our mutual commitment to our family. It's all so connected for me.

howcomes · 08/09/2013 01:21

No question, child every time. Dh would agree too. We have a long and happy marriage but it's a different love for your child/ren

SupermansBigRedPants · 08/09/2013 01:22

I adore dp but the love for my dc is inbuilt rather than grown - I grew to love dp but but from day dot I loved my dc. choice between the two? My dc, always.

fabergeegg · 08/09/2013 01:30

I think it should be love for a spouse that is the stronger, as the family comes out of that and the love for the family is separate to it.

BOF · 08/09/2013 01:31

They are completely different things. I would always protect my children, but when it comes to day-to-day stuff, sometimes I will prioritise having time with my beloved. We are going to be here after the kids have grown up and left home, so it is still worth nourishing.

Casmama · 08/09/2013 01:35

I think there is a thread about this approximately every two weeks. To summarise, generally the majority feel love for a child is unconditional but a partner is conditional.
There is also the innate obligation to protect your child from danger.
There are always a few who love their partners more as children will eventually move on but your partner will remain.

Lazyjaney · 08/09/2013 07:24

Love for children is absolute, but that is never an excuse for treating a partner like a 2 nd class family member.

waltzingmathilda · 08/09/2013 07:26

Spouse. Children are a product of the relationship.

Mojavewonderer · 08/09/2013 07:35

The 2 don't compare because its a totally different love. Your children are only lent you but your partner will be there to the end (hopefully)
In a life threatening situation I would save my children first and then go back for my husband but then again in reality my husband would save us all.

flipchart · 08/09/2013 08:17

No idea!

My heart bursts with pride and love for all of them.

TheOrchardKeeper · 08/09/2013 08:40

Single at the moment but it's always been DS first.

You can question your love for someone else but I've never once wondered if I really love DS or questioned it in any other way, whatever he's done or said. It's different with a partner. Though agree that it doesn't make the partner a 2nd class citizen!

TiredDog · 08/09/2013 08:42

DC. (I have no spouse but if I did he would be on the periphery...which is probably why I have no spouse Grin )

Brotherhoodofsteel · 08/09/2013 09:17

I love my wife & I love my kids but not in the same way. If I loved my wife the same way as my kids I would no longer be attracted to her and that would be devastating. If I loved my kids the same way as I love my wife then I would be locked up so you see the two cannot compare.

Original poster
mommytobe234 · 08/09/2013 12:54

So , its different, not stronger ??

OP posts:
EdithWeston · 08/09/2013 13:03

I don't see it as an either/or type question at all. There is no opposition.

Every member of the family is loved; every member of the family is cared for according to their needs.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/09/2013 14:42

Children's needs (and, where practicable, wants) have to come first while they're dependent. That is not the same as loving them more.

Fortunately, love isn't rationed. Time, money and energy are all finite but love is wonderfully elastic. I didn't love DC2 less because I already had DC1; nor did I stop loving DC1 in order to make room in my heart for DC2 (or 3 or 4!). Likewise I didn't stop loving their father just because I had children to concentrate on. (I don't love or even in the least bit like him now, but that's because he was an arse, not because he was replaced.)

If, heaven forbid, you find yourself having to choose between children and spouse, the answer would usually be to choose the children, but it depends a lot on the circumstances. For example: supposing you married someone who really can't get his/her head round the step-parenting thing and makes the youngsters' lives miserable, he/she would have to go because your first obligation is to your dependent offspring (and would you really want to spend your life with someone who is capable of being horrible to a child?). On the other hand, if they've grown up and left home, then you get together with someone they can't stand, you can jolly well please yourself who you live with. You are not accountable to non-dependent offspring.

exoticfruits · 08/09/2013 14:51

I don't know why MN has an obsession with this! There have been umpteen threads lately on this line- there must be a lot of insecure people around. They are not comparable - totally agree with Annie. Love really isn't rationed- loving one doesn't take anything from another!
The next step is to say who you would save first when drowning etc- clearly said by people who have never been in that position and think that you have the luxury of choice!

EdithWeston · 08/09/2013 14:56

Yes, there has been a little run of threads on this theme, hasn't there. Usually means there's a TV programme in the offing.

Shapechanger · 08/09/2013 15:12

Children, obviously. Doh!!

This is a daft thread. I suggest the OP gets a job or if she has one already then takes up a hobby rather than sitting around navel-gazing about things like this, let alone writing about it. Total waste of thoughts and headspace.

In fact why did I just spend about a minute typing that when it's a minute I won't see again? :(

Original poster
mommytobe234 · 08/09/2013 15:43

is there anything wrong with this question ?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 08/09/2013 15:50

Yes- lots! They are not comparable - it isn't a question you need to ask - they are completely different types of love.

CailinDana · 08/09/2013 16:17

A friend of mine who had a useless now-ex partner said he was jealous of the love she had for their son and assumed that happened in all relationships. Clearly her ex expected her to love him "more" and put him first. She was surprised when I said that it's not at all like that with me and dh. We are a team who support each other in the common goal of giving our children a good life. The love we have for each other is totally different to the love we have for our children so being jealous doesn't make sense.

That said having the dcs has deepened my love for dh because I admire his abilities as a parent and the love and care he has for our children. I feel a stronger connection to him through the children.

Swipe left for the next trending thread