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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I going to make the right choice?....

48 replies

MeJJ2013 · 07/09/2013 17:12

So I've been in a relationship for 4 years now, we don't live together and I have a child from a previous relationship which was abusive so I left. Me and the child's father don't talk and he's mother will see her every other weekend , me and my partner keep butting heads ATM as I want to go out and socialise with friends and family but he won't allow it. Firstly he said that he didn't want me around other men and I seem to agree and understand where he was comming from. Last night my sister ask me to spend the evening with her at her house to have a few drinks and a chat, I asked my partner if he was ok with me going for the evening and he said no, I left it because I didn't want to get into a argument over something so pathetic. As the evening went on he rang me and said he was with his friend and going to another friends house and I could go to my sister if I wanted but I had allready changed and got ready for bed so I didn't bother, now I said I'm going out tonight and I didn't care what he thinks as you don't trust me and he says he does but why would I want to live that lifestyle? Going out drinking clubbing is for single people and not for somebody who wants to be in a relationship. I want to be able to go out without feeling like a bad girlfriend and no he will understand but I'm starting to feel he's lowly controlling me and I don't no what to do and then he will try to win me over by saying oh we're take my child out have fun we're go we're ever you like, but then I agree and feel the same again the week after !!!! What to do shall I just leave ? ...

OP posts:
Fozziebearmum2be · 07/09/2013 17:14

He's obviously controlling you... He doesn't sound v nice-what do you want?

Kayshields · 07/09/2013 17:25

He's playing silly controlling games like changing his mind and saying oh you can go out now when it was too late because he new you would already be settled and stay in anyway,an illusion of freedom.. don't let him control you x

Original poster
MeJJ2013 · 07/09/2013 17:25

As I left my previously relationship being absuive and had a child I got back into work and re- built my life with my new partner but now I feel I'm not happy and that all the reasons he does/says theses things he justifies it and I let it go I just don't even no if ending its the right answer or trying to make things better if its even worth it !

OP posts:
SirRaymondClench · 07/09/2013 17:44

You're not married to him, you don't live together...
He has no say in whether you go and see your sister.
How come it's ok for him to go out with his friends but not you? Hmm
You don't need his permission.

Fozziebearmum2be · 07/09/2013 17:53

I'm not going to tell you what to do. But, life is too short to waste it in a relationship where your life is being controlled.

As you've had this experience before, I would think you are more likely to spot the signs (and wonder if that's why you're posting on here..)

Agree with prev poster though, he's playing with you by saying 'go', don't go etc.. Sounds v controlling! It's not his decision what you do-its yours. My view is that you need to assess whether its worth talking this over with him (and try and work through it) or whether its best to break it off...

Are you generally happy in the relationship or is this behaviour quite common?

Original poster
MeJJ2013 · 07/09/2013 18:22

I just feel like I don't want to leave but every time I explain how I feel he says he'll change but doesn't it hurts me to tell him I feel that way about him and I want to leave but it's not even getting through to him I do feel he looks at me like I'm his and I'm not aloud to talk to any other man or be around friends that would have males around I feel I want to leave but there's just this barrier stopping me from doing it

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/09/2013 18:31

You don't have to leave anywhere if you're not living together.

I think you have moved from one abusive relationship to another. How long were you single for? Are you frightened of being alone?

I can think of few things worse than someone telling me what I can and can't do. I couldn't put up with that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/09/2013 18:39

I would also state you have left one abusive relationship and have walked straight into yet another abusive relationship. After all you are not living together (thankfully). You've already had 4 years of this, how much more?. He's also an awful role model for your child as well.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is the barrier you write of that is stopping you from leaving?. They all state that they will change or are sorry but they do not change and are also never truly sorry. He will destroy you in the end if you do not find the courage within yourself to walk away from this dysfunctional abusive mess. He does indeed think of you as his possession; he is keeping you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

He needs to be dumped by you as of now.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft along with enrolling yourself onto Womens Aid's Freedom Programme.

Beamur · 07/09/2013 18:44

I think you know the answer. Asking your partner if you can go to spend the evening at your sisters and he says no...Even the fact that you feel the need to ask is wrong.
My boyfriend is perfectly happy for me to be around other men because he trusts me, but also knows that jealousy kills relationships and that he can't tell me what to do anyway!
Get out of this relationship, you and your daughter deserve better than this.

StHelenInPerson · 07/09/2013 18:58

^what everyone else said^ life's too short for this crap.
He is not your keeper and has no right to decide what you can and cannot do,stop asking and start telling him what you are going to do.

This could go two ways,
1.you start doing as you please,as you should and your relationships becomes equal or split .

  1. he walks all over you and you take it or leave him.

I recommend no2 and dtb.

I have been in this situation before and got out.
Now if anyone dare suggest I do as I'm told they'd get me Angry..

Good luck with whatever you decide

Blondeorbrunette · 07/09/2013 19:25

I got as far as you asking for HIS permission to go out.

Leave.

Original poster
MeJJ2013 · 07/09/2013 20:00

I just met him and told how I felt he said that I had a cold heart as he stood there in tears at the train station I told him I'm going and that I want to do whatever I like and he jumped on the train was crying saying how could I do this he loves me and would never leave me like this and we're going through a hard time I said I was emotionally drained and it feels like everything I do or say u see in a different light he said asking as we could stay together he will come to terms with me going out and I can have freedom. Now I'm just thinking is there something behind this or what ? I left and went home he went too now I still in the same position of what shall I do

OP posts:
AuntySib · 07/09/2013 20:27

OK, why would you ask your boyfriend who you don't live with and who you hadn't arranged to see that night, if was OK with him for you to go out?
Why does he think it's up to him to come to terms with you seeing friends/family - it's none of his business what you do. In the same way, who is he to say you can have freedom? These things are not in his gift - they are yours for the taking. By allowing him to have any say over what you do, you are encouraging him.
He is controlling and you are enabling it.
You do not need his permission to do anything.
Why do you want to be with someone who treats you like a possession?
I'd just say, I have been married for over 20 years, and there is no way I would request permission to see my friends or family, and my husband would not dream of telling me what I can or cannot do. Also, I do go out to pubs, clubs and anywhere else I fancy, not to chat up other men but to relax with friends and dance. Where does it say that people in a relationship shouldn't enjoy themselves?
I'd also like to add that his comment that clubbing etc is "not for people who want to be in a relationship" is a veiled threat:what he means is, if you do it, then he will dump you. Not very nice.
I'm wondering if he has ever been physically aggressive towards you - is that why you are so worried about his reaction to your wish to do what you want?
If he is a decent bloke in every other way apart from his possessiveness, then I suppose you could try to continue the relationship on your terms ( that is, do not be asking his permission for anything), but if there are other problems, aggression and suchlike, then don't even consider it.
Hope you get some clarity.

StHelenInPerson · 07/09/2013 20:35

He was laying it on thick to guilt trip you,he shouldn't for example have to come to terms with you wanting to go see your sister without his permission as he has no right to it and if you want to go clubbing too then do it is not just for single people on the pull.

You should still LTB you wouldn't be here if you didn't think so too imo.
gather your strength and go no contact after you dump him.
he thinks he is losing his hold on you so will shed a tear or two to suck you back in and every time you fall for it the more over the line he will get.

FetchezLaVache · 07/09/2013 20:40

"Last night my sister ask me to spend the evening with her at her house to have a few drinks and a chat, I asked my partner if he was ok with me going for the evening"

There's only one acceptable answer to this question, and it's "Why on earth are you asking me? You don't need my permission to spend the evening with your sister! Have a lovely time!"

Good for you for recognising that this is unacceptable; you've been in abusive relationships for so long (this one and the previous one) that lines become blurred and you no longer know what's normal and what's not. But be prepared for him to try to weedle his way back in- he won't give up his nice, biddable partner so easily. Do what's right for you.

StHelenInPerson · 07/09/2013 20:41

I do tend to agree with others though that you most likely went into another relationship sooner than you were/are ready and have enabled this behaviour from the start.

Doesn't justify his supposed ownership of you though and I think you would benefit from
Being a single woman for a good long time too reset your boundaries and twat radar.
The freedom program might help you iv never done it as I couldn't work out the web page for some reason but have seen it recommended a lot on here.

Original poster
MeJJ2013 · 07/09/2013 20:51

Okay so I say that I'm serious and I'm done but he's just begging and crying to me and I guess I'm looking at my previous relationship where physical abuse was there and I think we'll it's not as bad as that but why hold on to this as I feel even standing up for myself could tip him over to possible acting like that he did bring up the fact all I would ever get is a dickhead if I leave him or I only like people who would hurt me which obviously is not true and that makes me fucjing hate him which also makes me stronger by telling him to get lost but obviously I have been with him a while so I understand it will take time for me to move on but I think I just have to have a boost of courage to keep saying no and move on when all I did really want was it too work deep down and I do have a lot of love for him but his ways and comments and actions have pushed me into this frame of mind were I can't stand being around him!!

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 07/09/2013 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beamur · 07/09/2013 20:56

I think you might be in for more heartache if you try and work this out with him.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 07/09/2013 21:00

For someone who wants to control you already to this extent when you don't live together, physical abuse could easily be the next step, ESP if you don't do as you are told and re establish the relationship. Run, run as fast as you can and don't look back. He is emotionally blackmailing you into behaving as he wants you to. You know this, I'm sure you do somewhere inside. You deserve more.

expatinscotland · 07/09/2013 21:04

This person is abusive.

Dump him.

NOW. Do not take him back, either.

Original poster
MeJJ2013 · 07/09/2013 21:09

I do but I did actually think he was different and kind hearted and wouldn't do this to me I don't no why he's turned like this it's sad really cos I thought we could of had a happy ever after but guess not

OP posts:
NothingsLeft · 07/09/2013 22:08

I think you've had a lucky escape. Thank god you don't live together. Make a clean break & stay single for a while.

Original poster
MeJJ2013 · 07/09/2013 22:12

Do you think it's really that bad then I can see its disfunctional but its not to the point where I feel I can leave and I don't noo why I want to because I don't want to be treated like that but I don't no what it is its so frustrating because I judge ant to be like ok it's done and it really is

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 07/09/2013 22:18

He's done a number on you, Me, with all his "you'd never get anyone but a dickhead if you didn't have me" shit, he's undermined your confidence but not, ultimately, your self-esteem (because you clearly realise this isn't normal or acceptable). Even if you never get another boyfriend again (unlikely), that's better than being with someone who makes you believe you need his permission to go out or round to your sister's for the evening. You deserve better, and your child deserves better than to grow up thinking this is normal.