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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i dont want sex anymore please help!

31 replies

bananaicecream · 20/06/2006 13:16

i am a regular poster changed name etc

this is a bit embarrasing, for the first time ever i have no sexdrive, i think its due to the pill i am on but i am not sure

i like the idea of having sex but when it comes to it i just cant be bothered to make the effort i still find dp attractive i just dont want sex. i dont even like kissing him anymore. i feel horrible i am scared this means i dont love him. anymore when he kisses me and touches me i feel something but it is not like it used to be. the less i want sex the more i can see it hurts his feelings and he goes a bit overboard with hugging me and i feel smoothered. even when we have sex mostly i just lie there wishing it was over.
i am finding this very scary and upsetting, i desperately want to want sex i miss it. does this sound like a problem with me or just the pill mucking up my hormones. please help!

OP posts:
antisocial · 20/06/2006 13:18

the pill did it to me (but life can too). off the pill I was a changed woman!

Bananaknickers · 20/06/2006 13:20

Pill done that to me fellow banana. How old are your children

MarmyBumpyBeanyBaby · 20/06/2006 13:21

have you got a small child? Because I know when mine was going through a phase of mauling me (about 1 year old) it put me off physical contact totally!

warthog · 20/06/2006 13:41

is it possible to come off the pill?

elmie · 20/06/2006 20:31

I feel the same, bannana. I wish I felt different, but I really don't like it when he touches me in a sexual way! I also wish it was over, before it has began. Its sometimes painfull. I do tell him, but I don't think he understands. I don't look forward to going to bed these days or I try to go to bed late or very early to aviod him! But the funny thing is, I really do Love him a lot, I just don't like SEX! anymore! Help

maisiemoosmum · 20/06/2006 21:23

hi banana. i have started a thread on this the other day. i feel exactly the same, totally EXACTLY the same! i have felt like this since the birth of dd(nearly 9 months ago). i'm not on the pill or breastfeeding. seems that he only has a one track mind, and i can't bear the constant groping and kissing. i've asked for more cuddles without him trying to get in my knickers. he says, he shouldn't have to 'try' at all. i feel like a total b*h most of the time but i can't bloody help it. i just don't want sex. everytime i go to bed, i think of what an older female work colleague once confessed about her own relationship - 'if you must do it, then pull my nightie back down when you finish'. dp has moved out at the min. can't say i'm upset. more relieved. i'm hoping the break will have me clubbing him over the head and dragging him upstairs for a wild session next time he comes home - but i doubt it. not much help i know, but your far from alone and totally normal!

mazzystar · 20/06/2006 21:27

How is the rest of your relationship?

muma3 · 20/06/2006 21:30

i started and hvae been on a few threads similar . im excatly the same . dont want it but miss it . feel guilty for dp when i dont want it and feel bad when i cant see him pointlessly trying to figure out what he has done wrong . i love dp to the end of the world but i just dont love sex. it hurts me too and want it over asap .

think you will find alot of women the same . we should have a normal sex life and yes it is healthy but you just cant force yourself can we???

elmie · 26/06/2006 22:13

I am glad I am Not alone! I though it was just me, I tryed to talk to the doc about it, but, they don't think its important. I know he really wants it most nights, but he has not given birth to two kids, has he? I feel like my poor bodies been through everything, kid!!!!!! pushing, cuddling, kisses etc... I just want to be left alone at night!!! to REST and RECOVER! before it starts all over again, the next day!!!

sheepgomeep · 26/06/2006 22:18

I felt like this on the pill too also had it on antidepressents.

can you go go on a different pill maybe? or look for other contraceptive alternatives. I'd go to your doctor for advice and see what he/she says too

joelallie · 27/06/2006 08:16

I know what you all mean!! I've had 3 kids and although things have improved on and off they'v never been quite the same since I had DS#1 9 years ago. That's 10 years of constantly being pregnant and bfing...it takes it's toll. I am tired most of the time, we rarely get the oppurtunity to do it in peace for more than a few minutes (apart from at night when I'm comatose as soon as I get into bed). And there's also the feeling that I don't want any more physical contact by the end of the day...I want to retreat into my shell and get myself together. Even the cat gets kicked off my knee some evenings

But do you know what? I don't care. My body's been through enough. I do wonder if reduced libido is part of the body's way of recovering from childbirth etc. I get quite fed up of people offering advice about it and seeming to imply that it's a problem that needs fixing....why can't it be just a phase? Why does my DH have to be in the right...why aren't my feelings as valid as his? IFSWIM. Having said that things are improving and will continue to do so as bfing tails off. I am confident that in a years time I'll be back to normal and it'll be more than once a week and more adventurous. And if that's too long for DH then tough.

But a piece of advice that does help me. Get away yourself. Just for a day or a few hours.And make sure that DH knows he need to get the kids sorted by the time you come home. It will help a little. You need space for you so that you can remember that you are a human being in your own right not just mummy. How can your sexuality recover if there's no room for you to be yourself.

niceglasses · 27/06/2006 08:17

Oh me too. 3 kids later = no sex drive. Would like to enliven it again. Will watch this one for any hints.

HappyDaddy · 27/06/2006 14:27

DW went back on the pill after having dd. She turned in to a complete psycho. Was pointless being on the pill as she was so angry all the time that we never had sex anyway!

HappyDaddy · 27/06/2006 14:29

Also, what's wrong with not being in the mood? Like someone just said, your body needs to adjust and recuperate, it doesn't need some sweaty body ontop of it bouncing about and shaking you all up.

Men who want sex all the time should remember why their arms reach down as far as they do. They are designed to give our wives a rest.

beckybrastraps · 27/06/2006 14:37

Happened to me when I had to switch from the third- to second-generation pill after that thrombosis scare (many years ago). The doctor told me that my drop in libido couldn't possibly be related to the pill - there was no literature on it apparently - and sent me away with a flea in my ear. I came off and started using condoms and it all sorted itself out in a couple of months. Obviously there have been ebbs and flows over the years, with three pregnancies and two babies. I do find that I am rahter in tune with my cycles now. I may not want another child, but my hormones haven't quite got the message. Mid-cycle I am "on heat" as my dh so charmingly puts it. The rest of the month not so much. Feast or famine for poor dh!

Jenswish · 27/06/2006 14:40

Ok, I'll join this thread, I dont want sex either but i've not had kids.

I love my DP but I'm worried I dont fancy him! Theres times when I prefer to "DIY" it cos I dont get any arousal from him. He knows the right buttons to push as it did used to work just doesnt anymore.

When we are kissing etc its great and its the best feeling in the world but as soon as it leads to penetration I've lost interest.

Will keep an eye on this for some ideas.

HappyDaddy · 27/06/2006 14:49

Slow down then. There aren't many better things than a good long play with lots of kissing and hugging. And he'll feel like the king of the world when he can tell how much you relax and enjoy it. Take the pressure out of the situation.

Jenswish · 27/06/2006 14:58

Yeh, I know but I always feel guilty for winding him up and then not letting him release it IYKWIM

The wierdest thing is we want a baby but you cant have baby without sex can u. lol

HappyDaddy · 27/06/2006 15:01

Science has come a long way, you know lol.

Just cos he can't release through penetration doesn't mean you're selfish. I'd rather no sex than sex with a wife who isn't enjoying it. That's a huge putoff for me.

Jenswish · 27/06/2006 15:06

Hmmm, maybe I can ask science for help then! lol

See I cant say no to sex. I just hide it, cos I say no to alot of other things sexually. I've got to find someway of letting him release.

Dya know the funny thing is I feel like a little teenager again, not wanting to let things go further than a certain way. I dont know whats brought it on but thats how I'm feeling.

Its like coming on to a teenage site and saying my BF wants sex but I dont feel ready kinda thing. [strange]

HappyDaddy · 27/06/2006 15:07

Maybe you could just talk to him, you might be surprised at how understanding he is.

Jenswish · 27/06/2006 15:12

Yeh I know I should. Lol.

I'm a bit of a prude when it comes to sex, I try and tell him things and he gets loads of ummmm and ahhhh well ummm, lol..

Thanks

HappyDaddy · 27/06/2006 15:38

I don't mean a pervy chat, I mean about how you feel at the moment.

malodorantemelly · 30/06/2006 12:12

sounds to me Jenswish, that maybe you are questioning having a baby with this guy. If it is just the full sex you are not interested in.

SSSandy · 30/06/2006 12:22

banana icecream, how physically active are you? Do you do any sport? Go dancing? Anything like that? This may not be the most important factor but I find my interest in sex increases when I'm doing a lot of sport and also when I'm feeling good about myself and feel attractive. It drops to zero when I'm worrying about things.